Now that I'm busy, I need to learn to relax and take time off again

I'm getting busier as I become more involved in my school work. I have such a lust for learning that I over do it and spend too much time on it. This applies to other aspects of my life as well. I obsess on things; but instead of obsessing on my depression, I'm obsessing on doing something else. It's an adjustment phase I'll have to go through; now that I'm not spending so much of my time lying in bed and avoiding things, I have to learn to take time to lie down. It's been kind of an abrupt night and day switch from being hardly busy at all to almost too busy. But, I have the desire to make this work. For now, I am just accepting that I obsess on things and not obsess on the obsessing.

The biggest worry for me at the current time is finances, I keep obsessing about them. I have way too much debt, and even with family helping out and my disability check, I'm struggling to pay my bills each month. And I still feel a lot of shame and guilt for having to borrow so much money from my family. Family and my therapist tell me I should just try and not worry about it, at least the guilt part. I'll try not to worry about it, and do my best to show my appreciation for what I've got.

I see that I was recently asked all the medications I've been on, I'm assuming just the psychotropics... well, here goes..(in no particular order, some of these have been in varying dosages and combinations)

Klonopin, Zoloft, Ativan, Gabitril, Seroquel, Symbyax, Zyprexa, Neurontin, Geodon, Lexapro, Xanax, Effexor XR, Wellbutrin SR, Lamictal, Lithium Carbonate, Paxil, Serzone, Risperdal, Celexa, Remeron, Imipramine, Strattera, Provigil, Adderall XR, . (yup, 24 different brands of drugs)

My current regimen includes Lithium Carbonate, Lamictal, Xanax, and Adderall XR. Was on Seroquel as well, but as of today we dropped that. I also take Omega-3, Vitamins C and E, and multi-vitamin supplements. Occasionally I'll try adding in DHEA, melatonin, lutien, iron or calcium supplements as well. I use protein shakes (although infrequently lately) to help keep my energy levels more consistent and (again less frequently lately) a "green drink"- a yucky tasting powder-drink made dozens of plants (green things hehe) that I mostly never heard of, to help detoxify my system from all these drugs.

Now that I'm getting some exercise bike riding and walking around campus a lot, I somehow need to start working on my eating habits. For too long I've been eating only one half way decent meal a day, and a few snacks. I already described what happened when I really slacked on the eating part.

More than a few people have suggested various alternate routes of therapy: variations of homeopathy, chiropractic therapy, meditation, special food diets, etcetera, to either replace or use in conjunction with my medications. Over the years I've tried some of each of these, either alone or in conjunction with my meds and regular therapy. I think they're all great tools, and have their time and place. Some of these I will probably integrate again at some point when I deem it appropriate.

Happy Birthday to me!

It's My Birthday! So get with the program and click the link to my wish list in the lower left column and get me a B-Day present! hehehe...

Anyway, on to my journal entry. Past two days I've been non-stop-go. Totally immersed and involved in working out things with insurance, schoolwork, meetings with school advisors and setting up schedules. I've been half real excited about getting more involved in school and making sure I get appropriate credit for my previous college work, and half frustrated and moody dealing with insurance and the costs of medicine and finances in general.

I'm a perfectionist when I decide I want to do something, so what might take a person an hour to do I spend 12 hours on. Or something like that. I plan on spending most of my birthday trying to get my insurance straightened out and doing some of my homework, and try to swing by the DMV to update my driver's license.

I see my therapist Friday and I think I have a lot of topics I'd like to talk about. I think maybe this weekend I'll let myself chill out again before I burn myself out.

So... all this energy. How much do I attribute to the Adderal, and how much do I attribute to being stimulated by the university environment? Ah... I love nature vs. nurture debates, and this question falls into that realm. It's also why it's often difficult to know if meds are producing a significant difference by themselves or not. I don't think I'm having a placebo reaction to the Adderal, but I do think the university environment is creating a large stimulating effect in me. To go further on with this tangent, I look back to last week and I see that I was highly stimulated the day of class, then the next day and through to the next class session this week, I was tired and out of it and didn't do a whole lot. So, take away the stimulating environment (a nurture variable), and it appears that the Adderall isn't having much of an affect. I must note however, that in this example, I was still on my starter dosage. Over the next two weeks I'll observe whether I exhibit the same behavior.

Or... (hehe, this is the point where my therapist interjects and tells me to quit analyzing everything) is this a situationally induced mild manic state, falling into a blunted, slightly depressed mood state when the stimulus isn't present? I'm sorry, I have to keep analyzing things. I'm training to be a psychologist for Christ's sake. ;-) Don't worry, I don't plan on being a therapist, so you can relax and not worry about me analyzing you and charging you for it.

Problems interacting with people, especially those close to me

I have a problem and have had for a long time that's becoming more and more obvious. It has to do with how I react to people who want to talk to me or ask me to do something. The way I initially react seems to cause people to feel that I don't care/respect enough or they're not important enough and I don't want to bother with them. It's especially worse when it's someone who has been gone out of their way for me many times.

I don't yell or scream at people. The problem is centered around the fact that I often have too much going on and/or have to many things going through my head (which is pretty much most of the time), and knowing how easily I lose track of what I'm doing, and how hard it is for me to switch gears, I give people the impression through body language or tone of voice that they are interrupting me. Also, when asked if I want to do something, it can take me a while to try and remember if I already have something else planned, so it ends up sounding like I say no to easily, even though I'm really just hesitating until I'm sure I haven't forgotten anything important (thank God for palm pilots). Otherwise, the opposite happens, and I say yes too easy and then forget I have something else going on, and I end up in a tug-rope contest with myself trying to figure out what I should do.

It's not that I want to make people feel this way. I just need a bit of time to write down what I'm doing or thinking about before it's lost forever, or look at my calendar to remember what's going on.

I know there are pleasant ways of saying, "What you have to say or ask is important to me, but could I have just a few moments to sort some things out before we start?". However, just knowing that isn't enough. For one, because I'm wrapped up in things, I forget about the importance of pleasantness and showing a caring response. I don't realize that I gave a negative impression until after the fact, sometimes long after, and that can have some bad consequences.

I'm trying to think, for example, how I could jot down my whole train of thoughts while the phone is ringing and get it all jotted down before I answer the phone so that I can be more pleasant and caring when I answer. But, just not enough time there.

I do write notes down often during the day to keep me reminded of things. It's just that it's like spontaneous things jumping through my head in different directions, ideas to do things, and the compulsion to get them done and finished before they're gone out of my mind, pretty much totally forgotten.

So, I don't know. The best I've been able to do is talk to the person afterwards and explain to them that they are indeed important, and ask them if they can understand why I sound or react the way I do.

I'm not sure I'm explaining this in a way that I feel gets the right point across, but I felt the need to journal it.

Oh and anyhow, my psychiatrist doubled my dosage of Adderal XR. Hopefully that will help, I wasn't noticing any consistent improvement at the lower starting dosage. 'Course, problem is, twice as many pills can cost twice as much... but I don't think I want to start complaining about the financial costs of my illness right now. ;-)

Tired but ok

Didn't realize it's been this long since I last posted. So far I haven't been able to notice a change since using Adderal XR, I see my doctor on Monday and I'll see if he wants to increase the dosage.

I'm still pretty tired most of the time, groggy and out of it. I still enjoy my class.

Starting Adderal XR, learning more about drugs

After having my psychiatrist once again go over my chart and test results showing indications of attention deficit disorder and prefrontal cortical dysfunction, he still wanted to postpone putting me on Adderal, an amphetamine stimulant indicated for ADHD. He was glad that we were finally getting some improvement in my mood stability and my anxiety symptoms, and he stresses that stimulants, like Adderal, can worsen symptoms of panic attacks, anxiety, and mood swings. I acknowledge this and explained that if the symptoms got worse, I could likely handle it long enough to know to stop the medication and give him a call. I used the line of reasoning my therapist recommended I use, basically that, why don't we just give it a try and see what happens?

I've only taken my first daily dose this morning. I had a good day, got up early to see my cousin in the hospital, was fairly attentive and engaged in my class, and was able to come home and study for a good 2 hours, and then again in the evening for another hour.

I'll have a better idea of how this medicine effects me within a few days, since it isn't supposed to require a long time to build up in the system. I see my therapist again on Friday, I'll bet he'll want to do a follow up ADD test to compare results. I forget the name of the test, but it is done by me sitting at a computer and responding to things on the screen. It could be letters flashing and I have to press a certain key when a certain letter appears, or having a shape flash on the screen and then try to duplicate it, or read a short story and then later answer questions about it, things like that. I'm making an early prediction that we'll have to increase the dosage to notice a significant positive effect.

In any case, I'm really enjoying my class, I'm developing a much deeper understanding of how drugs, especially psychotropics (both illicit and licit) work in the brain and with individual neurons and their receptors, how the drugs get metabolized in the body, how they are removed from the body, how tolerances are formed, etc.

And thank God for lower Fall temperatures! Reminds me more of home, and makes the bike ride to school that much more relaxing.

Return to college

Well, I'm officially back in college now to hopefully finish my Bachelor's in Psychology. Yesterday was my first class, called Psychopharmacology, about drug interactions, specifically psychotropics. I'm only taking one class this semester to see if I can handle it. Baby steps. Long term goal is to go all the way to a Doctorate and in the process pull myself out of enough of the disabling effects of my co-morbid disorders to move on in life and start pulling my own weight again. But first things first.

I was really anxious during the orientation period last Friday at the university, but yesterday at class I felt at ease and enjoyed it. I even rode my bicycle there, so I got some good exercise! (didn't have much of a choice though, since the battery in my truck is dead).

Big problem I'm having now is that I am so tired all the time, which I attribute to all the drugs. I'm on Seroquel again, an atypical antipsychotic (tranquilizer). So it's real hard to stay awake at all. I'm still trying to get my psychiatrist to try me out on Adderal, a stimulant, which is what the plan we had worked up called for, and is what me and my therapist have been thinking for quite some time should be a real help for me.

Better eat and drink properly and regularly

Well, I learned the hard way how important it is to eat and drink properly and consistently, especially while on meds like lithium. I ran into a problem were the Lamictal I'm on was causing me to not want to eat or drink, and after a couple of weeks of hardly eating or drinking at all, my lithium levels became toxic for a while and my electrolytes got off balance and I became VERY sick. I really thought I was going to die it hurt so bad. I ended up spending 3 days at the hospital hooked up to an IV to bring my electrolytes back into balance and to nurse me back to where I could start to eat and drink again. I'm still recovering from it, I still have the shakes, a little dizzy, and a very mild pain in my abdomen, but over the next week I should be back to normal and be able to go back on the lithium.

So, my advice to others in a similar situation: even if you feel you can't eat or drink, force it down. Otherwise call your doctor and tell them the meds are causing you to not be able to eat or drink, and they can adjust the meds before you get sick enough to go to the hospital like I did.

Lesson learned!

But, on a positive note, this mishap seemed to improve my attitude and I feel a little more motivation to once again put effort into getting on with life as best I can, both with the small things like helping out around the house more and the bigger things like going back to school.

anxiety and trance-like states

Wow, my internet connection is actually up at the moment, hope it stays up long enough for me to type in this entry and get it posted.

I've noticed my anxiety slowly increasing in intesity over the past two weeks or so. My guess is that I'm again growing tolerant of the Xanax. But, no panic attacks yet.

Over the past couple days, and especially yesterday and today, the conversations that I have in my head have been increasing in length, but also in terms of how much they take over the focus of my thoughts. Today it's occured to me to describe it as a trance-like state. I've snapped out of it enough at least for a while to be able to look back and think about it.

Take yesterday, for example. I got home from my visit with my therapist a little after 4pm. I immediately began to have a hypothetical conversation in my head describing in detail my entire life's story. Pretty much next thing I knew it was about 6:30 am and I fell asleep even though I wasn't tired. I was basically unaware of the passage of time, of the sun going down, getting dark, and the sun coming back up. I was only vaguely aware of the fact that I was moving from room to room in the house. Basically only vaguely aware that I was in a different room sitting in a different chair, not aware of actually moving between the rooms. Thankfully the cat knew when I'm supposed to take my medications, he would meow and distract me enough to know to take my meds and give him his food and his antibiotics.

My guess is that the Provigil may be causing these conversations to expand in length. I've had complex conversations constantly going on my head pretty much all the time, but I usually don't go into a trance like state, I have, but not all that often, usually just the hour after I get out of bed, and these states, in the past as far as I can recall, have never laster longer than an hour or two.

I also feel compelled, when I do snap out of it, to return to that state to finish the conversation, because in that state I can focus on it. Whereas when I'm not in this state, and going about my day, I'm dealing with various intrusive memories and still having conversations with hypothetical people, it's just that it's usually more in the background, and the intrusive memories are pretty much all negative, like a crowded noisy bar where everyone is criticizing me or calling me names or something.

Anyway, it's always been difficult for me to describe just what it's like, but I've made another attempt here, wanting to note the dramatic change, it seems, that has started to occur.

not a new doctor, please!

Well, I went to see my psychiatrist today, but instead of the same psychiatrist I've been seeing for a good year and a half, some new psychiatrist walks into the lobby and calls me back. Doesn't seem like much of a nice guy or very compassionate. First asks me the exact date, including what year it is. Then he asks me what meds I'm on. So, I'm a little miffed, here I am with a new doctor, when I've been working with my real psychiatrist on a long-term plan and we had planned on introducing a new drug this session.

When I tell this new guy I'm on 8mg of Xanax, he says that is too much, he refuses to have any of his patients on that much, and I must instantly lower my dosage to 4mg. I put the brakes on hard then. I've never heard anybody even vaguely suggest that a person should drop 4mg of Xanax in one day. Even lowering by 1mg a week is crazy. When I had to lower my Xanax for the purpose of getting brain scans before, we did one mg a week down to 6, then half a mg a week down to 4mg, where we stopped. Even tapering at that rate, the withdrawals gave me near psychotic episodes. He also flatly refused to put me on a stimulant, which was the plan that the Amen clinic and my real psychiatrist (as well as my therapist) were planning to do. And he wanted to jump from 100 to 200mg of Lamictal. A pretty high jump at once, especially since my moods seem stable, not sure why he would want to do that. He also said the reason my hands shake is because of the Xanax. He wouldn't listen to me when I said my hands have been shaky my whole life (they always called my klutz in school since I always dropped things), long, long before I started any kind of benzos.

Anyway, trying my best to be polite, I insisted that I see my real psychiatrist. Eventually this new doctor said he would try to see if my psychiatrist was available. While he did that, I went back to the front desk and asked why I was seeing this new guy when I was scheduled for my real doctor, and they said that my real doctor was trying to help out the new guy by giving him some new business.

When I finally got to see my real doctor, he mentioned that he kind of wanted to have this new guy give a fresh perspective on things. Well, this new guy sure doesn't act like a fresh thinker.

Anyway, before I complain more, I'm now on Provigil, which is a stimulant, but not an amphetamine like Ritalin or Adderal (Adderal was what we were originally planning on trying). I'll start my first dose in the morning. Provigil, from what I've read, is used more for people who have narcolepsy to wake them up, and in general to allow people to be awake and alert for longer periods of time. Not many side effects from the sounds of it, but it's still a fairly new drug. Hopefully it should be good for me, since I've been really groggy lately, even more so than normal.

We're also still increasing my dosage of Lamictal. Not really sure we have to do that, since my moods have been pretty stable.

In any case, my therapist and my real doctor have been gradually telling me I should think about cutting down on the Xanax. I told them I don't mind that, as long as we do it very, very slowly. In some of my correspondences with other people who have been on high dosages of Xanax, it's been suggested to go as slowly as one quarter miligram a month. Granted at that rate it would take me 32 months to get completely off of it. My other argument is that we'll need some anti-anxiety medication to take its place. And there aren't many anti-anxiety medications we haven't already tried without success.

So, I hope I can continue with my real psychiatrist and not this new guy.

Anyway, on to other things, I've got a stray cat living in my bedroom now, one of the strays we take care of outside the apartment, he got into a fight and got a nasty infection, so he's living in my room until he's done with his regimen of antibiotics. It's nice to have a cat, I miss the cats I used to have back home. It'll be tough putting him back outside to live.

Tired and my mind is numb, lacking motivation

Again, I haven't been posting much lately. Just haven't felt that I have much new to say. Lately I've been very tired, falling asleep easily throughout the day. Around 11pm, my mind starts to really wake up, then a few hours later I get sluggish, but unable to actually fall asleep until around 6am. I then sleep until the afternoon, and I am very sluggish the rest of the day until late at night.

My brain seems to work a lot slower, which my therapist and I attribute mostly to the tranquilizing meds I'm on. My moods continue to be pretty stable, and I haven't had any real panic attacks either. But on the flip side, I'm almost completely lacking in any kind of motivation, most days seem like a mindless blur.

I sent in my application to the nearby university. I'm not sure if the paperwork will process in time for classes starting in September, I'll just have to wait and find out. This will be my biggest attempt yet to re-enter the "real world" and see if I can get stimulated and motivated enough to not only finish my degree(s) but also see if I can take it a bit farther and work on my social skills and just plain "get out" more. Getting out isn't something I'm interested in doing, to be honest, but I know I'm supposed to try. Truth is, I'm don't see much point in this whole life thing. I'm not suicidal, but I don't see much point in even trying.

I think a better way to explain it is, in my humble opinion, I've already done pretty much everything I've wanted to do in life. There isn't much that excites me. When I think of something to do, or someone brings up something to do, I either have a "been there, done that, it's boring now" attitude, or it just seems like too much work for too little gain.

The only real fun I have is dreaming, these wonderful, vivid dreams that are like grand adventures... my dreams sometimes are more real than reality, I wish I could sleep and dream forever.

I spend most of my time, while I'm awake at night, either reading, browsing the internet, watching movies, or playing video games.

So, in summary, my lack of motivation is partly due to the tranquilizers (meds that alter brain activity through chemicals), and partly due to events in my history that have left me with this attitude.

Moods a little more stable, anxiety up a bit

I've noticed that my moods seem more stable now, my depressions don't go as deep, but my anixiety has been a little high these past 6 days or so, although I haven't had a full blown panic attack in at least a couple weeks.  So, I'm guessing that the lithium is helping at least a little.

I also notice that, while I do seem to sleep a consistant 8-9 hours each day, I'm not able to fall asleep until anywhere from 5am to 9:30am.  So I'm going to start taking melatonin again at night and see if that helps me fall asleep sooner.  As it is right now, I'll try to go to bed between 1 and 2am, but then I get real hungry and impulsively eat and then watch a DVD or two.

I haven't posted much, obviously, mostly because I just simply keep forgetting to.

Something I was just thinking about is how thin my "emotion skin" is.  I'm easily hurt or offended by even the slightest thing.  I asked my therapist a few sessions ago, "how do I thicken my emotional skin?", and he didn't have a good answer, didn't really know how one could be trained to have a thicker skin.  So, at my next group session tomorrow (assuming I can make it), I'll try to pose that question to the group.

Not all bad...

I'm not sure what to write, I know it's been over a week since I've posted. In the past week I've pretty much isolated myself from just about everything. I've been a little depressed, a little anxious, a little afraid, a bit paranoid, but no one thing real bad. Just a big sense of "blah" I guess. Most days not in the mood to talk to anyone, just want to be alone. But I did get out a couple times, to my therapy apointments, group therapy, and this weekend to visit with my Uncle who just moved out here, I've always enjoyed the conversations we have. He's a music teacher, and we're going to try and work out some time that he can teach me some music theory and we can play together.

One of the things that we're discussing in my individual therapy and also with my family is getting me motivated to want to do something. You know, get me in the mood to want to do something with my life. Wether it be music, going back to school, getting back into my karate lessons, whatever. I'm just totally lacking in motivation, and have been for a while. I used to be a very highly motivated person, but nothing "real" interests me much anymore. About the only motivation to do something is the social pressure to do so.

But at least I'm not suicidally depressed like I occasionally was in the past. So that's good. I'm not sure yet if the lithium is having an effect on me or not. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and I expect him to increase the amount of lithium.

Up, down, Up down....

Well, my mood tanked this week, my anxiety went up and my depression got pretty deep, thinking what's the point in life again. Had a lot of running around driving people places this week too, which put more pressure on me and increased my anxiety, it's hard enough for me to drive just once in a while, and some of my family members are having moderately severe medical problems too.

So, I've been mostly withdrawing into my shell, not wanting to talk to anybody. I went to the clinic today. Looking at my finances, I was going to cut down on my appointments, but they gave me a big pep talk and told me I could schedule as many appointments as I need and just pay what I can. Finances are a big worry and source of guilt for me, but they made sure I felt welcomed there and not to worry about it. I was there to see my therapist, and while there I pulled my psychiatrist aside and told him I'd like to start lithium treatment, rather than wait until my next appointment with him in a week and a half, he agreed to see me for a couple minutes and get me the script to start on lithium and also the script for the one-week follow up blood test.

So, I'm feeling a little more optimistic and outgoing, which is good, since I was withdrawing to the point of suicidal thoughts. But who knows how things will be tomorrow? Hard to predict how I'll feel.

I talked for a while with the pharmacist, he said I should notice a significant difference in about 2 days after starting lithium, but from experience, I know not to get my hopes up.

Feeling better

Doing better today. My sense of time is still a little off, but everything else seems to be going better. My therapist, like my old therapist, is urging me to look into going back to college. I'm scared about doing that, because it would mean asking my family for even more support, but after talking to my dad and my aunt, they're at least supportive of me trying to give it a shot. So, unless my mood tanks, I'll try to get an appointment with an admissions counselor next week.

paranoid... why?

After posting that my thoughts seem better last night, today has been hell for me. I slept most of the day. I was just so tired and out of it. I knew I couldn't drive so I canceled my music lessons. While I was sleeping I kept hearing my phone ring which sits on my bed stand, but it wasn't actually ringing. And I kept hearing someone knock on the door, but that just scared me more and sent my hiding deeper under the covers. I started feeling completely hopeless and helpless and worthless, so I decided to fight these feelings, get up and take a shower, and the whole time I was taking a shower I kept feeling like someone was going to come in and scare me. Where is all this coming from? Is it a type of mood swing? Is it because I haven't been able to eat properly and my meds aren't being metabolized right? I'm not sure. I'm glad my aunt is home now, I'm going to try and relax and not let all this paranoia continue to overwhelm me. I just had some dinner so that should hopefully help. I think I'll watch some TV, maybe play some games too.

insert title here ;-)

I'm having some problems with my internet service provider so it's a little more difficult to post frequently. I'm trying to get it sorted out but it may take some days.

Anyway, not sure if I've already mentioned this, but on the Lamictal, even at this low starting dosage, I notice that my stomach constantly feels full; I'm supposed to be eating many small meals a day to keep my hypoglycemia in balance but it makes me sick to even think about eating. I'm still sleeping a lot, and it's difficult for me to keep track of time or the days. I'm thankfully not as depressed as I was, I'm not down thinking suicidal thoughts or anything anymore, but most of my emotions seem to be a little dulled, probably due to the Lamictal. It does seem to help with the intrussive, obsessive thoughts, I'm able to get off the "train" of thoughts a little bit easier. So that's all good and well I guess. With most meds, you have to take the good with the bad. I'm glad a lot of the dark thoughts are gone, but I'm a little distressed that it's harder for me to keep track of my commitments and such.

I received the formal report from my brain scans yesterday, and when I read them I did get depressed for a while, as the treatment plan they suggest sounds a lot like what I've already been doing for years. But, at least it's a plan.

One of the questions I have in therapy is how do I learn to love myself, nurture myself, and really care about my well being and hygeine? I've been through Bradshaw's books, which I think are good, but some of the stuff he suggested backfired on me as I tried working on my "inner child". A friend and my therapist think I need that someone special in my life to help provide me... I'm not sure how to put it... I guess you could say somehow use the love they give me to learn how to love myself? I'm not sure. I've been through a lot of self esteem books and worked on positive dialog a lot, but my therapist refers to most of that as "band aids".

Seems like there was something else I wanted to post about, but I can't remember what, if anything.

Back down again

I've missed my morning dose of Xanax two days in a row now, I think it's causing a little bit of withdrawals, I'm feeling more agitated, depressed, lack of energy and motivation. I went out to a nice dinner and saw a movie with some of my family yesterday, but I was just too grumpy and tired to enjoy it much. Not sure what I'm going to do today. Or tomorrow for that matter. Probably just sleep a lot, these past few days I've been sleeping a whole lot.

Better Attitude

I'm doing better with my overall attitude these past few days. I think a lot of it has to do with hanging out with my internet friends, trying to force myself to go out and use the swimming pool, and the increase in Xanax. Also helping is knowing I'm going on new meds I think. I haven't had any delusional thoughts since I started taking the Lamictal and increased my Xanax this Monday night.

We'll keep an eye on me over the next week or so to see if my mood swings back down into deep depression again. I'll have to make sure I understand as much as I can about Lithium before I go on it when I talk to my psychiatrist again a week from Monday.

My aunt bought me a milkshake maker to help cheer me up. God knows I love a good milkshake :)

Feeling a little better tonight after depressing morning

I woke up feeling still really depressed, woke up, as seems usual lately, with memories of past failed relationships and broken heart. Saw my therapist, he told me all the things I know I'm supposed to do, mostly to do with positive and negative thinking. I still have a lot of resentment and anger deep within me about some traumatic events in my life, and those negative thoughts are controlling my life and my behavior. I'm obsessing on them.

I like to use computer analogies. Think of positive thinking as a software program running on a computer, and negative thinking as a virus. Think of my physiological brain problems as the computer hardware. It's hard to get the software running right when the hardware is buggy. I saw my psychiatrist, he upped my Xanax back to where it was at, at 8mg a day, and started me on the slow rise to 250mg or more of Lamictal, starting out at 25mg for the first two weeks, it'll probably take me up to two months before I notice a difference and get to the target dosage, which could be as high as 400mg. I've been on this med before, but only as high as 125mg. He also sent me to get my testosterone and LH hormones tested, as well as a full blood panel in preparation for going on Lithium, which I may start in two weeks when I see him again and have the full results of both my brain scans and my blood tests.

I was feeling a little better, but still anti-social. I've been very sick to my stomach with all the constant worrying. My family has also been very supportive too. I finally made myself get online and play some games with my internet friends, and that helped cheer up my mood as we had some fun.

I know what my therapist is trying to do. He's trying to get me to shuck these attitudes I still carry from my childhood, and let my true self shine through. But I get stuck on thinking negatively as well as delusionally and it seems to take more and more to get me out of that rut. Hopefully, over the coming months the meds will help me actively use positive self talk and approach life with a new attitude.

I'm trying to get my hands on a good supplier of Omega3 supplements, which are shown to really help with stabilizing mood without side effects. It's harder to find a good supplier than it seems. I'm supposed to take 1000 mg 4 times a day or more, but when I really look at the labels of the supplements I find, I find that 1000mg really isn't 1000mg, with brand X it's really like 300, and brand Y it's like 600. The Amen clinic, which is the clinic I went to for my scans, sells pharmaceutical grade Omega-3, I'm going to try and order some from them so I can be sure I'm getting the right thing. I'll be taking vitamins C and E as well, they are anti-oxidants which help the body properly make use of Omega 3. I'm still taking a multivitamin, protein shakes and chromium to help stabilize my blood sugar levels, and melatonin at night to help me sleep.

I think that's all for now.

Time will tell...

I have a lot to say. I've been through hell. I've given up again. More so than ever before, I look out into life and see one big disappointment. Nothing out there I want to waste my time on any more.

Last Saturday night, in the middle of the night, the night before I left out of town to get my brain scans done, I started losing it. Negative thoughts, angry, depressing, condemning thoughts circled in my head, with remembrances of visions in dreams I have had, half convinced I was some sort of Jesus who was put on this earth to be filled with all these painful emotions and carry the burden of them, I wanted to call my father and ask him to kill me like God left his only begotten child to die on the cross. But I didn't call him, I new he was sleeping and needed the sleep to come drive me and stay with me for my brain scans.

I started, compulsively, to crawl around the floor and up and down the stairs on all fours, giving myself something of a carpet burn on my elbows and knees. I compulsively pounded my head and my fists into the floor very rapidly, almost hyperventilating while I did it. I wanted to go into my medicine cabinet and down some extra meds, but I didn't; I knew if I took extra meds they would skew the test results. I called my therapist on his cell phone twice, barely able to catch my breath, but he didn't return my phone call until Tuesday and couldn't talk long. He told me when he did call me that I was getting better. I couldn't get enough of a word in edgewise to tell him he was full of crap.

My father and I stayed in a hotel along the coastal highway in Longbeach, California. Most people would have loved it; right there on the coast with the cliffs and the beaches and the fancy shops and the weird people. I hated it. I hated how crowded it was, I hated the smell, I hated the sun, those things always bothered me. Being stuck in a small hotel room with insomnia, pacing in a small corner with my insomnia while trying to allow my dad to sleep at night, my thoughts continued to circle and I kept reaffirming how disappointed I am in life and how much I would love for it all to end.

It was agonizing waiting until Thursday morning to talk with the doctor to find out the preliminary results of my brain scans. More than anything I wanted them to find evidence of a big fat cancerous tumor, to give me a reason to say I'm going to die and start saying my good-byes. But I feared the worst: that they would find a normal, healthy brain, and basically tell me I'm malingering or making this all up to get attention.

When we finally talked to the doctor about the results, he confirmed pretty much everything I had expected: there are signs of mild to moderate physical trauma to both sides of my temporal lobes, my frontal lobe, and my cerebellum. I have a complex set of conditions that will be very difficult and take a long time to treat. Sometime, if I get motivated enough, I'll put them all into a chart alongside my brain scans on this site. In case you are wondering what type of brain scans I had, they were SPECT scans, which look at brain activity via bloodflow in the brain. You can find out more at www.brainplace.com.

This complex mess of problems I have includes things or traits of: post-traumatic stress disorder, schizo-affective disorder, bipolar disorder, major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, Asperger's and prefrontal cortical dysfuntion (which is similar to attention deficit disorder).

Problems arise, as we use medications to treat one aspect of all this we run the risk of making the other aspects worse. Treatment options include building up, in stages over a year or more, a cocktail of medications, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and electro shock treatment (ECT).

Basic consensus is to stay away from SSRI's. I'll probably stay on and increase my Xanax back to 8mg.

I'll get a formal report of the findings of the scan in 10-14 business days mailed to me, which I'll share with my psychiatrist and therapist.

Right now, I'm gung-ho for the electro shock approach. Just shock this depression out of me, because it is literally killing me.

I should be showing a lot of gratitude right now to my father and my family for all of their support and risking their financial health to get all this done for me. But I'm too down to show it.

So, time will tell and see how this ends. If it ends the way I want it to, death will wrap me in it's warm embrace. If my therapist is right, I'll go on to be happy and a genius in some career field.

Agoraphobia - Suite101.com

Link:Agoraphobia - Suite101.com: "Agoraphobics live in a prison with glass walls and an invisible jailor. In some ways it is as though some fairy tale witch has cast a mysterious spell which locks us into our homes and makes every venture 'out into the world' into a terrifying and herculean task. It is frustrating and confusing for us and for those who know and love us. And it's virtually impossible for us to explain our feelings, our terror, because we ourselves don't understand."

The above quote is the welcome message to the website linked above, I haven't read through the whole website but the paragraph really describes things well.

More mood swings and racing thoughts

After seeing my therapist this afternoon, I crashed further into a deep depression, not seeing any point in the whole life thing, and my thoughts were racing in random circles faster than I could keep track of them. I tried sleeping, but that evaded me as well. So, I decided to try and focus on something and pay my bills and balance my check book. Then something weird happened. I found a charge to my debit card that didn't make sense. So I called the bank, and they tracked it down for me, turns out somehow someone made a duplicate of my debit card and physically used it in Turkey to by dinner or something. But instead of freaking me out further, for some reason dealing with that distracted me from all my depressing thoughts and after I got through canceling my card and ordering a new one with a different number, I felt a lot better, took a shower, got something to eat, then played some online games with some friends I have on the internet.

Am I weird or what? Feel worse after the therapist but better after my debit card was fraudulently used? Figure that one out, Mr. Freud ;-)

Ugh, feel blah

I'm feeling pretty bad right now, my lungs are a mess, wheezing and coughing up phlegm, probably because I've been smoking too much. I've been smoking a lot since I've been up pretty much constantly for about two days. I finally got a couple hours of sleep, but still feel really tired and my lungs still hurt, so at the moment I'm convinced I'm going to the drugstore tomorrow to pick up some nicotine patches and quit smoking. I know this goes against the advice my doctors have been giving me, they've told me I should work out my anxiety and depression problems before trying to quit smoking, but right now I feel I should quit. Besides, I won't be able to smoke before each of my brain scans next week anyway. I don't know, maybe this is just me complaining and rambling late at night, but if I'm lucky I'll still be serious about it in the morning.

On another note, my therapist seems to be in favor of me diving back into music. He specifically told me to "put the therapist in me on vacation, there's only room for one therapist" and go with my dreams and goals and what's making me feel good. So I might be getting me an electric bass and amp and putting up a sign on the bulletin board at the local music stores after I get back from my scans.

I'm geeked and ready to rock

I just got back from my vocal and bass guitar lessons and practicing, my fingers are hurting, I'm starting to develop my calluses again on my finger tips (in case you're not a bass player, that's a good thing :). While at the music store I played on a really nice electric bass and amp that was cheap and sounded great, I'm geeked about trying to find a way to afford it (I'm using an acoustic right now) and thereby have a way to get into one of the many bands that are advertising the need for a bass player. I think getting into a band would be great therapy, and if we started gigging, that would be good supplemental income as well. But the therapist inside of me is telling me I have to take one thing at a time and not get too carried away or I'll just be wasting money on a pipe dream. But it's hard to think that way, because I'm geeked at the moment.

Stressful holiday weekend

This weekend, while at times was fun and great to see some family, was really a pressure cooker in terms of my anxiety, as usual I started to depersonalize and have panic attacks right when the fun was really starting to get going. At times I just curled up on the floor in a bedroom with a Teddy bear or one of the cats. There was another party for the family Monday, but I couldn't go to that becuase my anxiety level was so high and I was having irritable bowell symptoms as well (just gotta love that). Tomorrow is my last day for my mood-stabilizing drug Zyprexa, and I go down another half miligram on my Xanax as well. So, I'm not quite sure what to expect, but I'm hoping that going off the Zyprexa will cause my weight to go down and my attention to improve. Got another week to go until my brain scans, it's going to be tough waiting until then to see what they prescribe for me, but I hope it's all good.

What a week

This week was a real roller coaster. I spent a lot of time pacing and unsure of myself. I'm seeing a new therapist regularly now. My previous therapist helped me do the research to find the tools I need to use to make myself better, this new therapist is going to be "pushing my buttons" to try and break me out of my shell and put those tools to work. Easier said than done, is what I say, but I know it's what must be done. I had a session with him Tuesday where he was pushing my buttons a little bit, and I reacted by feeling guilty that I'm making all of these problems up in my head, and I started having suicidal ideations again.

I'm also going back to a regular weekly group session again, and we're discussing some issues that really cross my boundaries in those sessions.

this weekend I have two big parties to go to for the holiday, and I'm using a lot of positive thinking to convince myself that it will be all right for me to just relax and have a good time rather than focus on the fact that I usually get very anxious and start to depersonalize at parties and such.

gaining weight :(

I was just going through some pictures of me taken less than a year ago and it hit home how much I've gained weight. I've gained 35 pounds in the past few months, my clothes are starting to shrink on me lol. I guess I have to start exercising. I'm attributing the weight gain mostly to the Zyprexa, which is a common side effect. I notice also that lately I hardly eat at all during the morning or daytime, but during the evening I get overly hungry. I'm borderline hypoglycemic, so I should be eating small portions consistently through the day, but I'm not. I'm having a hard time keeping any kind of schedule, whether it be eating, sleeping, or whatever. Hopefully, my therapist will be right about me just needing a stimulant type of medication and this will help me get the ball rolling, we'll just have to see next month after I get my brain scans done. I also noticed that I do seem to be cycling less often without the Prozac.

Feeling weird

I'm feeling pretty weird, feelings of depersonalization, like things aren't quite real. I'm also feeling a little paranoid. I accidentally slept through taking my morning dose of Xanax, so I just totally missed that dose, which may be part of the reason I feel this way.

I forgot to mention in my last post that the reason we switched from Symbyax to just plain Zyprexa was to decrease how often my moods swing. The theory is that an anti-depressant can cause faster cycling for bipolar people.

Update

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and he told me that I should go down by half a miligram a week from now on that I'm getting to the lower dosages. We also switched from Symbyax (a combination of Prozac and Zyprexa) to just plain Zyprexa, but at a higher dosage (10mg, where I was on 6mg with the Symbyax)

I had a real good group therapy session today, I was able to talk quite a bit and it felt good. My therapist is trying to get me to take more of a "fuck it" (his words) approach to the way I react to things in my own head. Kind of as a way of not letting the past control my present.

For the most part I'm still spending a lot of time in bed avoiding things. Before my group session today I was cleaning my room and that brought up a lot of past things almost like post-traumatic shock, I kept hearing in my head people telling me I wasn't doing good enough and even while vacuuming I got the paranoid feeling that someone was going to stab me in the back, which happens to me usually when I'm vacuuming for some strange reason. I kept feeling like I was going to be beaten like a little kid if I didn't clean my room last night. It really sucks being 30 years old and still have this stupid trauma holding me back.

low attention span, getting angry easy

I've noticed lately that my attention span is getting smaller, and that I get angry or bitter easier, usually about things that occured years in the past that I wake up remembering. I'm not sure if this is due to lowering my Xanax or not. I was going through acute withdrawal symptoms a week ago so my doctor upped my dosage back by another 2mg to help me out and then told me to go down by 1mg a week.

I'm starting to get to the point where I'm sick of meds all together, whereas before I was willing to accept that I'd probably be on meds for the rest of my life. My therapist and I are thinking that the next med we'll try after my brain scans will be a stimulant like they use for attention deficit disorder.

Commenting Feature added

I've enabled a commenting feature to my posts so all of you out there can comment on what I write. I'll be tweaking the feature as time goes on.

Carpe Diem

I haven't been very out-going lately, since I've been sick with some kind of flu (finally got some antibiotics for it), and my moods are changing like rolling the dice, it's hard for me not to get caught up in the past or worry about the future, I know I need to focus on the moment, carpe diem style, but I get trapped in this circular thinking mode too easily. I tried using my relaxation techniques again but they seem to make my anxiety worse, not better. I'm worrying about paying bills, about my ability to just stay stable emotionally long enough to live up to any of my real life obligations, but, like I've been told, I just have to try and focus on the moment and leave things in God's hands. Can you believe I just said something like that? Yes, I'm trying to be more open-minded about the whole God thing, too.

Sick

I've been getting sicker, got flu like symptoms. It sucks, but being sick like this is making me sleep alot and overall is keeping me from having major anxiety attacks, so I'm taking the good with the bad.

Friday, I went to the mental hospital to try and get into their program for coming off of benzos, but they won't accept my insurance. Major bummer. Basically, I just have to slug it out coming down from 8mg of xanax a day in about one month, when I should be doing it over the course of a few months or more. An online friend sent me this link about benzo withdrawal: Benzodiazeines: How They Work & How to Withdraw

Thanks to my family and everyone else for being supportive of me as I go through this.

Going nuts

I'm going totally nuts. I'm like in a constant state of withdrawal, I've got the shakes, I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm scared to even respond to simple emails or phone calls. I really wish I could stay in a hospital until it's time for my brain scans, so they could keep an eye on me becuase it's really hard not to take an extra pill or three to try and make it through this. I just get so sad and scared, and I feel like I'm getting sick as well. I'm trying my best to stay a little active and still eat healthy but in between that I'm staying in bed most of the time trying to sleep so I don't have to feel this way.

It's a constant fight

Well, yesterday I went to karate and felt a lot better after that, I'm thinking about going for another lesson later today as well, my anxiety is fairly high. I made a bunch of appointments with one of my therapists and some group session meetings to help get me through this tough time while I'm going off my meds before getting my brain scan. I think if I can just get my self in the shower and psyched up a bit I can make it to another karate lesson, then tomorrow I've got a vocal lesson and a bass guitar lesson, then the next day is both an individual and group therapy session, so I'm starting to get my schedule more booked in a fight to keep me occupied and upbeat.

Can't seem to stay out of bed

I can't seem to stay out of bed lately. I've been really depressed and my anxiety levels are up. I did go out for a few hours Saturday to help with this Walk For Life cancer funding thing, but it got me all freaked out being around all those people so I left. I'm supposed to go to my karate session in a few hours and I'm fearing even that, even though I know I felt good after doing it last week.

I've been really sad and missing my old friends, the good old times when I was having a lot of fun. I wish I could just move back home to Michigan.

I've even been thinking occasionally of admitting myself to the hospital but I know that won't do any good since they'd just up my medications, when I need to be going off my medications to get these brain scans done. It just sucks, I feel like I'm going nuts.

Feelings of guilt or shame overwhelming

I'm feeling overwhelming feelings of guilt or shame, like I've done something wrong or I'm ignoring something important. I'm not sure if this is because I lowered my Xanax by 1 mg today or not. I've had these feelings before. I feel like a little boy who's done something really wrong and his parents are going to come home and beat him. I'm going through a level 9 panic attack, and trying to use my coping techniques to get through it. I'm going to try and do chores around the house to make myself feel like I have done something to counter-act these feelings, and see if I can get my positive self-dialog going. If I can muster the strength, I'll even go for a walk but that seems really scary right now.

Finally.. got a date set for my brain scans!

Today was anxiety ridden but successful. I finally got my appointments for my brain scans, they'll take place most of the 2nd week of June. I'm kind of excited about it but nervous at the same time, I hope they'll be as beneficial for me as they have been for others.

I also had my first vocal lesson today, and that went much better than I had hoped; I was actually able to match 5 notes! My bass guitar lessons start next week.

The tough part is that between now and my scans I'm going to have to start lowering the dosages of my medicines and eventually get off of them for a week or so before the scans. So I might be a wreck while I'm getting those done.

Pacing

Last night before I finally fell asleep I kept pacing back and forth, like I had energy to do something but, even though there were many things I could have done, I couldn't slow down and do any of them. That happens to me a lot. It's a horrible feeling almost, kind of like being all dressed up with no place to go, just pacing back and forth wishing my body would fall asleep. Anyway, I picked up a fiction book at the bookstore and I'm going to try reading that to fall asleep tonight, I used to always read before going to bed, and I hope it works tonight.

Workout

Whew... just got back from my first karate lesson. It was only a half hour but boy I'm pooped. But it felt really good. I'll have to try remember how to tie that stupid belt though lol. I think having done fencing before helped me keep my balance, they had me jumping right in and doing sparring even. This class only had kids from elementary school ages in it, so they weren't much more than half my height, so I hope more older people sign up, I felt bad because I accidentally kicked this little green-belt boy in the groin and he wasn't wearing protection but he said he was all O.K. I think this will be good therapy for me.

I'm feeling better too, whatever I was sick from Saturday seemed to be only a one-day thing, maybe it was food poisoning from fast food, who knows.

Ugh

I feel sick. I stayed up too late last night on my manic swing, got too little rest and I can't fall back asleep, plus I smoked too much, so now I'm dealing with the consequences. Blah. I'm going to lay in bed for the rest of the morning and see if I can catch some Saturday morning cartoons.

Musical therapy... maybe it will work?

Today was an average day anxiety and mood wise, then my therapist called me in the late afternoon to check up on me and see if I was doing O.K. alone. I told him I usually get more depressed during the afternoon, and he told me that at those times I should be taking a walk. So, late this afternoon I walked around through the shopping center down the corner, and started looking in the window of the music store there. I passed by it a couple times, then I remembered that they offer vocal lessons. I always felt like a horrible singer, and I felt that if I could develop some singing talent, that could improve my self esteem and possibly help with my speaking voice as well, to speak with more confidence.

A couple hours later I went down to the guitar store and found the only acoustic bass guitar they had... and my fingers and ears took a liking to it right away. So I haggled with the salesman and got a good price and a lead on a very good bass guitar instructor. I used to play the bass really well, but I'm like seven years out of practice. My thinking is that if I practice my bass and my voice, I'll finally be able to perform at the open mic nights I attend at the book store.

I'm also thinking about adding karate lessons as well, I've found a place that only charges six dollars a session.

So, with all of the above, I'll get physical and social therapy. At least that's my line of thought, since I've been through years of talk therapy and read so many books on it, it's fairly well agreed that talk therapy won't do me much more good, except for the few times where I'm in a really tough jam and need someone objective to talk to.

Who knows, maybe this is all just an expression of mania, but it feels good to have a plan. Only time will tell if I can stick with it and it works.

Vitamins and supplements

I went out tonight and bought some more vitamins and supplements that I hope will help my psych meds work better and aid in my general health. My moods swung a lot today, right now I'm feeling full of energy; seven hours ago I was angry and depressed, and made an appointment to see my therapist tomorrow because I was thinking about whether I should be hospitalized or not. I even went as far as to make sure I had directions to the psychiatric hospital memorized. I guess I was thinking that I needed a structured environment where I could be monitored. But I've got too many responsibilities to take care of to go be hospitalized for a few days, not to mention if I do it will be traumatic for my family.

I'm beginning to be more aware of what triggers my mood swings, and how low my threshold is to set off a change in mood. I read some stuff on borderline personality disorder that really sounded like me, but that diagnosis isn't of much use as far as I can tell, it's just something I can point at and say, "Hey, that sounds like me!"

Cycling into depression

For the past day or so I've seen myself start to cycle down into what looks like will be a deep depression. I'm wanting to stay in bed all the time, my anxiety is high and I'm afraid to make any appointments or commitments because I can't be sure how I'm going to feel. Part of me thinks it might get so bad I have to go to the hospital again, so I'll have to keep up my positive self dialog and try and get some exercise and not turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I finally got to the dentist and thank God nothing was wrong, I just have to go back next week for a regular cleaning.

My aunt whom I live with and my father are going away for a week on vacation, so I'm going to be putting together a comfort bag of sorts while they're gone, playing some video games and watching some good DVDs and see if I can get the courage to get some exercise out on the bike trail nearby.

Put Together a Comfort Bag

Link:Put Together a Comfort Bag
Putting together a comfort bag is a really good idea for people with high anxiety and phobias. This is something I usually use and it does help, knowing that you have certain things with you in case of something unexpected.

Manic

I think I'm going through a manic phase. I'm spending a lot of money on my credit cards, upgrading my computers and stuff. At least the depression isn't bad. I'm still having small panic attacks and agoraphobia. I don't see my psychiatrist again until near the end of the month, I'll ask him about a firm diagnosis then. Maybe I'll have to take some more tests, I'm not sure. Today I'm going to go try and schedule a dentist appointment, I haven't had one in years and the one down the corner is advertising a special that I can afford. I also have to go to my clinic today and hope and pray that they have more samples of the Symbyax I'm taking so I don't have to go without until my next appointment, hopefully something can be worked out. In the meantime, I'm working with the nurse at the clinic to try and get on a free medication program with Lilly pharmaceuticals based on low income. I'm also looking into consolidating my student loans and getting my psychiatrist to sign a form that I'm disabled so that I can write off the loans. Wish me luck with that.

It's tough not knowing if what I'm feeling is due to the medicine, diet, or which disorder I have, or if it's just natural.

Happy Easter

Today was a good day overall I would say, I had a great breakfast over at my cousin's place, but then started getting tired and panicky so I went home and took a long nap instead of going on with them to some other relatives' place for the rest of the day. Late in the afternoon I went and saw a nice movie, then came home and a little later on my aunt and I compared our notes on the book we are reading together (see "what I'm reading" in the lower-left column of this page), which I thought was a real good thing to do, then we went for a short walk. My panic level has kept going up and down all day, but I think I can call this day a success overall.

I wish I could get a grip on myself

I wish I could get a grip on myself. My moods fluctuated the whole spectrum today. I went from manic swings of thinking I could go back to school or read all these psychology books and know just what to do to fix myself, or go back to work part time, to being lethargic, depressed, and just now, crying over the loss of past relationships and once again thinking that suicide might be right if things are only going to get worse, being lonely and afraid and frustrated knowing that even the rare chances when I do get to "hang out" I'm unable to really experience it.

I'm still learning a lot, and still have a lot more to learn. But my purpose to keep going changes frequently. I just can't keep a grip on my mood. I just can't keep focused on anything long enough to finish it. There's a lot I want to add to this website that I am finding out about, but I get distracted or make excuses or tell myself to be patient that it doesn't need to be done right away.

My aunt and I are reading a book on bipolar disorder together, I think it will help us get along better.

Meanwhile, I'm missing those few days where I was on a regular sleeping pattern. Maybe it's time to take another sleeping pill.

My trip

I drove out to see my father and brother in Vegas this weekend. The drive was pretty tough, especially the one back, going through the pressure changes as I changed elevations wreaked havoc on me, I'm prone to pressure changes and get awful pains in my sinus cavities and headaches, my eyes start to water, plus I found myself pretty tired the whole trip so I had to stop a lot to take breaks to keep me awake and alert, but I made it home fine, although I've been in a high anxiety mode ever since.

I did have an enjoyable time in Vegas, saw the new Star Trek exhibit and enjoyed that and got a few souvenirs, then the next day (Sunday) I was going through mood swings and panic and ended up locking myself in the bathroom on the floor for a while trying to get over the anxiety and depersonalization, then used a bunch of comfort foods and positive self-talk to get me out of the bathroom so I could go rent a movie with my brother. On Saturday I went to a church service with my dad and brother, but I started having a panic attack so I went out to my dad's truck and took an extra Benzo and tried to relax, and by the time it kicked in the service was pretty much over.

I hate having such a hard time traveling. I used to be so good at it.

I'm having a lot of anxiety right now mostly because I feel I have a lot on my plate and my finances are gradually going into ruin. I've got my truck to fix, my computer to fix, a ton of books to read, need to get myself to exercise and eat better, etc. And fitting anything in between my mood swings is like a throw of the dice.

Bipolar

It looks like we're chaning my diagnosis to Biploar type 2 - rapid cycling and Panic disorder. I went and bought a bunch of books to help educate myself and my family on this. Looking back over the years of therapy, especially the last year and a half, it now seems like an obvious diagnosis.

I'll post more gradually in the future as I learn more myself.

down and up

Last night I started having those weird side effects again with my motor control and some insomnia, but I finally got five hours of sleep starting around 4 am. Feel a lot better now. Now I just have to wait impatiently to find out about my truck; since I've gone back to my previous dosage I have my truck keys back in my possession so I took my truck in to get some screech sounds checked out in an impulsive moment yesterday morning, only to find out everything from the brakes to the transmission seals needs to be replaced. One more credit card maxed out. :( And to make matters worse, I left my apartment keys at home so I couldn't get back in my apartment when the shuttle driver let me off. Guess I played an April Fool's joke on myself subconsciosly lol. But, it did work out, I was able to get a spare set from the front office without too much hassle... I guess it's all just part of rushing through a manic phase.

I hope I stop gaining weight on this lower dosage, although I doubt it unless I can get myself to exercise and learn to take control of my appetite... which isn't easy, the urge to eat until I feel full is practically irresistible.

I've tentavily planned to go visit my father and brother near Vegas this weekend, pray for me that I do well driving. I'm going to try and time it so I don't mix with rush hour traffic, and I'll have to make a lot of stops along the way I'm sure. It may turn out that my dad comes out to pick me up depending on how I feel about the side effects affecting my driving.

Going back to previous dosage

I met with my psychiatrist today and we agreed to go back down to the original dosage of my Symbyax. I screwed up earlier on one of my posts and said that we doubled the Paxil portion, when it was really the Zyprexa portion that we increased, I went back and edited that post.

The side effects I was having with concentration and motor skills were bad enough that my aunt had to take away my car keys.

I've been eating like a starved pig lately, and I've started pacing again more often as well. Hopefully most of this will go away with the decrease in dosage.

I've also been sleeping like the dead. No alarm clock or phone ringing can wake me up, heck not even a full bladder can wake me up. So hopefully the drop in the dosage will bring my sleep into more of a balance.

Regular sleeping schedule!

Who would have thought it, but I've been on a more or less normal sleeping pattern for a week now. I think that's mostly because I switched taking my Symbyax from midnight to dinner time. I'm also a little more active now, although I've noticed that my speech is more slurred on this medicine, and I still get a little de-personalization and anxiety around people, the more tired I am the worse the de-personalization and panic are.

gaining weight again

I recently doubled the Zyprexa portion of my Symbyax, and I can already see my tummy sticking out further. I just threw out some old jeans that don't fit and have holes in them anyway; my aunt was kind enough to buy me some new ones. I hate going through all these medication changes, with the weight changes they sometimes make, it seems like I'm always needing new clothes.

I had dinner with my neighbor yesterday, and was kind of surprised to be panicky the whole time. I rushed through dinner, declined the offer to stay and watch a movie, and went straight home to watch a movie myself, although I had said I was going to go for a walk. I wanted to go for a walk, but I couldn't fight the panic attack to do it. So, instead, I threw in a DVD and turned it up loud, and when my aunt came home and told me to turn it down, I threw a minor hissy fit about it like a teenager. Had a lot of depression last night too.

But, at least I'm sleeping more normal hours now, my psychiatrist gave me some stronger sleeping pills but I haven't needed to use them yet. But I can't stop eating, eating like a pig since I've been on this medicine it seems like.

My psychiatrist re-diagnosed me as bi-polar depressed with panic attacks. I grabbed a copy of my medical records from them while I was there and I saw that they wrote down bi-polar as a possibility on my first visit.

I had a lot of stress mostly about finances the past week, the clinic keeps screwing up my billing, first telling me that I owe them hundreds of dollars and then turning around and saying that they owe me hundreds, then saying we're even, rinse, lather, repeat. What a mess. To keep things easier and cheaper, I'm going to cut my visits down to just seeing my psychiatrist once a month and not go to any more therapy sessions.

I did get up early today and went for a short walk, haven't done that in a long time.

Ugh

I feel like Ugh right now. I've been having sinus headaches lately, trouble sleeping. I'm having a hard time sitting through watching movies or reading books now, kind of like I when I was on Geodon. My depression is coming back a little bit too, got some circular negative thinking going on about finances and such. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.

I think I'm bi-polar

As time goes on, I'm beginning to think that I have more of a bi-polar issue than just anxiety and depression. I don't know, label it whatever you want, it still makes it difficult to lead a normal life and be a productive member of society and enjoy the simple things.

Another depersonalization panic attack

I spent the afternoon and evening at my cousin's place. I had been up for more than 24 hours I think by the time I arrived there, so I immediately fell asleep on the couch and slept for like five hours, causing me to miss a dose of Xanax, so I was going through a small withdrawal. A few hours later the panic started creeping in, I started felling depersonalized, I even spent a little bit of time in my truck listening to my relaxation tape to help get me through it, and then after desert I drove my aunt and I home.

This was kind of a small test-run with this new medicine, to see how much it helps when I'm out of my home for a length of time. I think the medicine is helping, this experience wasn't quite as bad as some I've had.

Manic insomnia

Up until yesterday evening, I hadn't slept in like a day and a half, I think this new med is giving my hyposomnia. It's keeping me out of being depressed, the suicidal ideations are gone, but I do have some sexual side effects. I'm also having a bit of a cold but I don't think it's anything major.

I'll have to give this medicine a while to see how it all settles in. Next Wednesday I see my psychiatrist again, and I'll see about maybe upping the dosage so I'm taking it twice a day instead of once a day, and then also seeing if he has a different drug I haven't used before to get me to fall asleep at night.

In my manic swings I bought a new lamp for my bedroom and some new computer equipment on my credit cards... I probably shouldn't have, but I think with the new stuff I got I can sell some of the other stuff to get some of the money back and besides I was having some pretty bad computer problems anyway that needed some fixing before things got fried.

I'll probably spend the weekend helping out my cousin with some stuff at her place, and have her give me a hair cut, I'm half tempted to shave my head accept for the pony tail.

Manic swing

I've noticed that, aside from when I wake up all groggy, depressed, lethargic and with racing thoughts, I've been in what seems like a manic swing. I think this is due to a few things; one, knowing that my family is trying to make things work out for me in my best interest and thinking of long-term strategies to help me (after the big meeting we had), nicer weather, finding out that the clinic I go to probably owes me money (they previously told me I owed them almost 800 dollars, but when we went through the billing together it actually looks like they owe me money instead, so cross your fingers that it will turn out that way, their office is really busy and behind schedule, and they need certain permissions to change my billing history, but so far that looks good).

Also this new medicine I'm on seems to get me into a manic phase after the grogginess of waking up goes away. I have to be careful, since when I'm in a manic phase, I tend to want to spend a lot of money and rush to make big plans and get too excited. I have to try and give myself patience, give the medicine some more time to work, and try to keep a balance both financially and emotionally.

The waiting game

Well, Tuesday I had a joint meeting with my therapist, psychiatrist, aunt and my dad. We had the meeting because we're not sure what to do, I've been going to this clinic for over a year and my depression, anxiety, panic attacks, depersonalization and overall ability to function have been declining, and my suicidal ideations have been increasing.

My psychiatrist gave me a new medicine to try, Symbyax, med number 20 for me, it's a combination of Paxil and Zyprexa; he gave me free samples to last me for two weeks when I'll see him again. We're leaning towards a bi-polar diagnosis from the sounds of it. Honestly the more I learn about bi-polar and looking at my history, it does sound like a good diagnosis. When I read through the "Recognizing Bipolar Depression" section of the link above to Symbyax, it does sound much like me.

We talked about institions, shock treatment, the mental health care system in general, and we're leaning towards going to the Amen Clinic to get a SPECT scan done before resorting to shock treatment. But, in the end, it's up to my dad to pay for it all, which is a lot of money (possibly over 4 grand for the scan) and it'll be a good month before he knows if he can afford it or not. We also talked about whether I should move in with a different family member, and decided it wouldn't be a good idea to try and move right now, it would just add to the stress. Basically, stick with the status quo, then see if we can get this SPECT scan, from that we can get me onto some kind of medicine cocktail and see how things go from there, and if the medicines make a noticeable difference, then we can start getting me more involved in daily living.

It's real tough on myself and my family right now, it's hard for them knowing that I'm so depressed to be suicidal and so anxiety-ridden to have trouble driving, not too mention the costs of all this treatment.

Tuesday was even tougher because I had to spend quite a bit of time trying to sort out billing errors with the clinic I go to, they showed me as owing them over 7 hundred dollars, and it took me quite a while with all my receipts and stuff to go through and show them that I don't owe them anything, and as we went over it, it looks like they may actually owe me instead. It's not all said and done yet, keep your fingers crossed for me as I continue to play the waiting game.

Very vulnerable right now, can't keep up with my own mood swings

I've been avoiding the net a little bit lately, God knows I spend too much time on the net when I should be in the "real world", but also avoiding it because I'm very emotionally vulnerable. I can't keep up with my own mood swings, I feel I can't trust what I say or think anymore, because everything is so darned contradictory.

As far as diet goes, my diet is as inconsistent as my moods. I'm going through some severe mood swings and have been for a while now. Honestly, some times I'm a little too "out of it" to even remember what I've eaten or even keep track of what time or day it is. I crash into depression thinking of suicide and cry for hours and sleep a lot, then I try to pull myself up from my bootstraps and use the various techniques I've learned, the positive self-talk and using my vitamins and supplements and a bit of exercise, then I fall back into the deep depression, lather, rinse, repeat. When I'm "down", I simply don't care, I don't write in my journal like I should, it's the type of depression where I'm not willing to give anything a try, I just let the depression ride itself out. I know that's not the right way to handle it.... honestly I'm even afraid to talk about it, that's why we're thinking that ECT (shock treatment) might be my best option right now, since it is so serious, but it's doubtful we can afford something like that, I won't know for sure if we can for a couple weeks or so.

That's part of the reason I've been letting my website slide, because my moods swing so much, I'm afraid of what I say, because my words and actions are so often contradictory.

Like this morning, I woke up suicidally depressed, came home after driving my aunt to work, and laid down and started crying, and got an email from an old friend asking to chat on the internet later this morning, I knew that if I chatted in the condition I was in I would just unload all kinds of contradictory feelings and I didn't want to do that, so I got a tad bit of exercise, took my vitamins and supplements (a combination my doctors and I worked up that contains multivitamins, omega3, chromium, a "vegetable in a pill", a protein and fiber drink supplement, and something we call the "Green Drink" which is a mix of many different kinds of leaves and other greens), as well as my normal medicine, and began practicing my positive, compassionate self-dialog so that I could be in a more consistent mood when the time came to chat with my old friend.

I've done some introspection and I believe I know the heart of the reason why I keep going through this cycle - something similar to an infant throwing a temper tantrum when he can't get the toy he wants so he's just going to make everyone else miserable. It's a cycle I keep coming back to. I'm a little more frustrated now, because I spent a few years trying to teach myself with the help of groups and books and therapy and such to become more mature on an emotional level. And I can see areas where I have made progress, but, alas these cycles continue.

So, I see my problem as having many inter-linked sources that compound on each other. And I know that to be "cured" I need to continue to work on all of these aspects of my problems, the amount of change needed is overwhelming. Knowing this, in the past, I told myself it's OK to be patient and just take baby steps, work on a little bit at a time, grow a little here, grow a little there, there will be set backs, but eventually the little steps forward on each of the problems will all come together and I'll be better able to react to life in a more normal way. But it's harder to give myself that patience, that willingness, the faith and willpower than in the past.

These down swings that I have are more than I can handle. When I have a bit of an upswing, I seize the opportunity, but the up-swings don't last very long, at most a couple hours.

I think I need to develop a belief in a God, a belief I lost a long time ago as a small child. That's a tough one for me, there is a lot of baggage surrounding the concept of a higher power. When I go through my compassionate self-dialog techniques, I end up where I left off in the previous depression, my basic belief that life sucks, we're alone here in the universe, the economy is the pits, I've lost many things, and for me to get better not only do I have to challenge these beliefs, but I also have to change my diet, medicine, exercise, etc... things I've tried changing from different angles at different paces... I guess I'm just venting out some things.

So, to repeat what I said earlier, I've been avoiding the net a little bit lately, God knows I spend too much time on the net when I should be in the "real world", but also avoiding it because I'm very emotionally vulnerable. I can't keep up with my own mood swings, I feel I can't trust what I say or think anymore, because everything is so darned contradictory.

Thinking about closing up shop...

I'm thinking about closing up shop on this blog. I've worked hard to help myself, and to take what I have learned along the way and pass it along to others who are going through the same thing.

But I've been increasingly coming to a point where I can no longer "practice what I preach". I feel it's wrong for me to keep trying to help people when I no longer have the desire or ability to be helped myself. I'm finding it is much harder for me to encourage others when all I really want to say is stay away from me, I'm losing it, becoming suicidal, and I don't want to drag you down with me while you're trying to pull yourself up.

I wish it wasn't so hard... so close yet so far away

I wish it wasn't so hard to go through all of this without any close friends... I mean close in the sense of distance. I have some good friends out there, who mean a lot to me, some who will chat away with me for hours on the internet... I get so sick of being in this small town where I find it hard to meet any new friends. All of the people I would call real friends live in distant states. I really wish I had a real friend I could call up and just say "hey, lets go for a walk or hang out".

It's very tempting to pack my bags, hop in my truck, and head out to all the states my internet friends live in just to have a chance to hang out and laugh and have a good time in real life. I wish I hadn't lost my job and ended up in serious debt so that I could at least afford the opportunity to indulge myself and hit the road for a week or so, but I need every penny I have to get by, not to mention to try and pay for the treatment I need. Hehe, maybe I should buy some lottery tickets lol.

Relationships and self-love- a key issue for me

Once again I'm having to admit to myself that relationships are one of the biggest sources of anxiety and depression for me, especially so when it's a relationship with a lover or potential lover. A lot of my own feelings of hopelessness about my future center around the fact that I don't believe that I will be able to find that perfect mate, or that I'll never get to the point where I am financially and emotionally independent enough to even start looking for a mate.

Memories of failures in past relationships continue to haunt me, and sometimes even worse, the successes in past relationships frighten me even more, making me feel that I had something wonderful in the past that will never happen again.

But, in reality, the bottom line is it's really about my love for myself. It is my own self-love that I need to affirm first before any real growth can happen. I need to develop a strong enough sense of self-love before I can confidently move forward, not just in a relationship with a potential lover, but in all aspects of my life, whether it be with my family, a job, or friendships. It's the cornerstone of my own mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

This isn't some shocking revelation that just occurred to me, I've known this for a few years now, at least.

I've avoided working on this issue for at least six months now, I think. I've avoided it because everytime I make an honest improvement in my own sense of self-love, I get knocked back down; and I've grown content to stay knocked down so I wouldn't have to be knocked down again. But if I stay down here, I'm as good as dead. I must make an effort to move forward on this again. My life depends on it. I had to admit to myself today that I've been waiting for someone else to be there first, to make the first move for me so that I had someone to work together with this on, I wasn't willing to work on my own self-love alone, at least not without a potential lover helping me out. I had to admit to myself today that if I don't start to work on this myself, and for myself, first, and continue to do so, then it will never happen.

It's not going to be easy. The negative inner dialog I have is already making all kinds of excuses for me, coming up with "What if?s" and "But"s. It'll be difficult to fight this negative inner dialog and continue to affirm my basic needs and move forward, but it's what I must do. Regardless if electro-shock is necessary, working on my own self-love is still crucial or all other attempts at helping myself through shock or medication or institutions will ultimately fail. I may need all of the above, and I am attempting to acknowledge and accept what I need and see it as a chance for growth, and at the risk of sounding "girly", see it is a chance for a flower to bloom.

Stopped taking Strattera

A few days ago I decided to stop taking Strattera. Strattera is the medication I started taking a week before for Attention Deficit Disorder. My doctor allowed me the freedom to make my own judgment on the dosaging of the medicine and the freedom to decide to stop taking it at will.

While I was on the medication, I was in severe depression the entire time. Because this was also the time I was severely depressed about the possibility of having electro-shock treatments or being institionalized, I couldn't be sure whether it was the medication that was the cause of the depression or my own concerns about my future.

So, I decided to stop taking the medication and seeing if things changed. Within a day, the majority of the depression was gone. But in its place, I became quite hyperactive; I couldn't sleep, my mind kept racing. I tried walking for a couple hours, but that didn't help me fall asleep. Eventually I finally did sleep, and when I woke up I was again severely depressed, but not quite as bad as before. I still felt hopeless, but not entirely so. I haven't gone back on the medicine yet, I don't think that I will, I'll continue to monitor myself.

Wake me up when this holiday is over

Today is the 13th and tomorrow is that holiday. Two days that bring up a lot of hurt feelings. I'm really angry and depressed and hope I can sleep through enough of this until the holiday is over, I don't want to be reminded of it.

The Palpitating Heart: Seeing Anxiety Differently, reviewed

Short answer: two thumbs way up!

Long answer: I must admit I approached this book with a negative attitude. I figured the book would be good, but not any benefit to me. The impression I had (before actually reading it... Never judge a book by it's cover has always been my motto, but nonetheless I fall victim to doing just that...) was that this book was just for people with panic attacks that manifest themselves with symptoms of signs of heart attack, high pulse rate or erratic rhythms, shortness of breath or high blood pressure. I've monitored myself for months while having panic attacks, and I can't remember once ever having my heartbeat or blood pressure ever being outside of normal, it's always been almost square in the middle of normal. So, I figured that I would have to plow through this book, knowing it's probably good for most people with panic attacks since most with panic attacks have those symptoms, but it wouldn't really apply to me.

So, with a bit of a sigh, I opened up the book.

WOW.

Page after page starting flying by. I couldn't stop turning the pages, I was almost immediately absorbed right into it. Every other page or so I had to stop myself from running out of the room, jumping into my truck and driving to each of my doctor's offices and thrusting the book into their hands and saying "Read this NOW!". I think all doctors should read this book. I say all doctors, because, just as eluded to in this book, we all approach a doctor differently because we all see our symptoms differently, and describe them differently, and how we describe them dictates how or what the doctors treat us with. I know this first hand from personal experience and from stories told by others. Some of us with anxiety will think we have schizophrenia, and will go to a doctor and will be treated as if we are schizophrenic. Others will go thinking they are having a heart attack and be treated for those symptoms, others will think they have a bowel disease and will be treated as such, etc. We aren't all doctors, and as this book says very well, we are ill equipped to really know what is going on and how to describe it, so very often going to see a doctor won't solve our problems, it will usually just create more questions. Therefore I think every doctor should read this book.

I also loved this book because of the author's writing style and the voice he used. It wasn't another book written by a clinician, or a book written by some almost "holier than thou" person who seemed to be preaching from atop a pillar. Richard wrote from an honest, open, humble heart.

This book not only tells a story many of us can relate to, but also gives some advice and approaches to learning first to properly evaluate what sensations we are feeling, and putting them into a proper context. A large portion of the book is devoted to comparing the sensations we feel compared to the foods we consume. Richard doesn't approach this as a "follow my diet" type of thing, but teaches the reader how to find out what foods are best for him/her.
Grab yourself a copy of this great book.

Depression and depersonalization

My levels of depression and depersonalization are quite severe. When I try to sleep, I usually end up spending hours crying in bed. My mind is overwhelmed. Sometimes I walk the streets at night, seemingly blinded by my own depression and guilt, detached from the world around me, wallowing in shame. The reality of my situation and the few options or paths I can take in my future are what is driving much of this. I don't know yet for sure how the new medication is playing into all of this, I'll have to watch how I act over the next few weeks as I adjust the dosage before deciding whether it's helping or hurting.

Having to face the fact that whether my family and I elect for electro-shock treatments, institutions, personal self-help coaching, or just living with the status-quo and hoping that I'll eventually succeed on my own, all of these scenarios in the end require a lot of emotional and financial support of my family, and I feel I've already pushed the financial support they can offer to its limits. I'm not sure if it's just my own fears or not, but I'm not sure how much longer I can realistically ask for their emotional support.

I can't help but think that the good of the many out-weighs the good of the one, and that I should pack my things and just walk out of their lives and take the burden off of them, but I'm sure they would hear nothing of that. I do know that where ever I go, my feelings, my emotions, these awful thoughts and symptoms will go with me wherever I may go. In the end, it's up to me to fix what problems I have, and I don't know how much longer I can keep putting up any effort, each day it continually gets harder, with only a few brief moments each day of having a positive can-do attitude. I can't help but feeling that I'm in some way abusing my family by continuing to ask them to support me as they have for many years, knowing that even if we do some radical procedure there is little chance any of them will bring about both a significant and long-lasting relief for me.

I spent a long time trying to balance my budget today, it was very difficult keeping my mind focused. I forgot to pay some of my bills, I had a stack of mail sitting on my bookshelf that had been lying there for a month, and trying to keep my mind focused on the task was very difficult. My aunt asks me very nicely to help her with some very small chores, but my mind races so much that when someone asks me something it is like a distraction that makes me lose the fragile grip I had on whatever I was trying to do, further making me feel hopeless and frustrated. Making to-do lists still doesn't help me much, even when I set them up so that my computer displays a message and beeps at me telling me I need to take care of something.

I do get inspired, even if it is just for a short while, when some of you email me and open up yourselves and tell me that my sharing on this website has helped you. I really appreciate that, it does help. Some of you may not be able to email me because I am still having problems with my email provider such that certain people, depending on who their email provider is, can't send me email.

I feel like I want to go and apologize to all of the people who have meant something to my life, tell them I'm sorry that my mind and emotions are crumbling around me, sorry that I am falling into a black abyss when I once had so much potential.

My family often asks me "What more can we do to help you?" and I can't give them any answers. The only answer I can think to give them is to simply let go of me, to stop worrying about me and stop taking care of me, and focus on taking care of themselves instead.

I'm currently reading a good book written by a self-publishing author. When I am finished with it, I'll talk with him and seeing about posting a review of it here, so far I think it's a book every doctor should read. If you're curious, you can find out more information in my links section or just follow this link: Reading Your Body

I finally received my copy of the movie "Awakenings" , and I cried a few times while watching it. It did inspire me for a while, inspire me to help others who are facing the same troubles as I am. It is a good movie starring Robin Williams and Robert Deniro, Williams plays a doctor who tries to help patients with extreme Parkinson's disease awaken from their coma-like states, and is based on a true story.

Catching up

Well, I thought I'd post a lengthy post catching up what's happened over the past week.

This past weekend I was having severe depression. I think it's been over a week since I showered and I think I only put on a fresh pair of clothes once during that week. Depression born mostly out of frustration and hopelessness about the future. I had another panic attack that left me curled up in the fetal position in the closet, and many others having me curled up in bed or the corner. And smoking a lot. Monday was horrible, I had trouble getting my Xanax refilled, I spent almost a whole day without taking Xanax because I was out of it, which isn't a good thing when one is taking 8mg of it daily. So, I ended up spending a long time sitting in rush hour traffic in the pouring rain having panic attacks and withdrawal symptoms driving between my doctor's office and the pharmacy trying to get things sorted out.

I felt a little better after distracting myself playing games and such. I met with my therapist and then my psychiatrist yesterday. I went in basically to tell them that I would like to discontinue my therapy due to the fact that I can't keep spending money on something that is not helping me, even though I have a high respect for my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist agreed, in fact he said he was going to tell me the same thing because he felt there was nothing more he could offer me in all honesty.

On the advice of my aunt, I asked them both the same question: "What would you do as a next step if I was your son, given my history?" My therapist replied that he would try to find some way to institionalize myself, but it would be hard because it is very expensive, and being admitted to an institution based on an anxiety disorder is unlikely, they are usually only willing to admit someone if they are convinced one is going to commit suicide.

My psychiatrist replied that he would use ECT, commonly known as electro-shock therapy, as a next step. I could talk for hours about the pros and cons of ECT. I've studied electronics, as well as psychology, neuroscience, and anatomy in college, read literature biased both pro and con for the use of ECT, and my opinion about the use of ECT has changed somewhat in the past year. I still think, based on what I know of the brain and electronics, that it is unlikely to be effective unless the voltage applied is high enough to actually burn up some of the neurons. I used to be stead-fast against the use of ECT, but I am now desperate and, to be honest, almost eager to give it a shot, because frankly each day suicide sounds more like the best solution.

I scheduled a joint meeting between myself, my father (possibly my aunt), my psychiatrist and my therapist next month to discuss what options we have left.

In the meantime, I'm going to spend the next week decreasing my dosage of Lamictal, and at the end of the week I'll be completely off of it.

I spent some time with my psychiatrist urging him to think outside the box. He gave me some samples of Strattera, a medication for Attention Deficit Disorder that works on norepinephrine. I've scored pretty high on written test for ADD, and my childhood history and observations of myself and some others show that I may very well have ADD. My psychiatrist isn't very convinced that I have ADD and was against the use of ADD medications because they can make panic attacks much worse; I told him that I've survived some pretty serious panic attacks, and I'm willing to take that risk on the off chance that this medication may work better than the 18 other medications I've tried so far.