Relationships and self-love- a key issue for me

Once again I'm having to admit to myself that relationships are one of the biggest sources of anxiety and depression for me, especially so when it's a relationship with a lover or potential lover. A lot of my own feelings of hopelessness about my future center around the fact that I don't believe that I will be able to find that perfect mate, or that I'll never get to the point where I am financially and emotionally independent enough to even start looking for a mate.

Memories of failures in past relationships continue to haunt me, and sometimes even worse, the successes in past relationships frighten me even more, making me feel that I had something wonderful in the past that will never happen again.

But, in reality, the bottom line is it's really about my love for myself. It is my own self-love that I need to affirm first before any real growth can happen. I need to develop a strong enough sense of self-love before I can confidently move forward, not just in a relationship with a potential lover, but in all aspects of my life, whether it be with my family, a job, or friendships. It's the cornerstone of my own mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

This isn't some shocking revelation that just occurred to me, I've known this for a few years now, at least.

I've avoided working on this issue for at least six months now, I think. I've avoided it because everytime I make an honest improvement in my own sense of self-love, I get knocked back down; and I've grown content to stay knocked down so I wouldn't have to be knocked down again. But if I stay down here, I'm as good as dead. I must make an effort to move forward on this again. My life depends on it. I had to admit to myself today that I've been waiting for someone else to be there first, to make the first move for me so that I had someone to work together with this on, I wasn't willing to work on my own self-love alone, at least not without a potential lover helping me out. I had to admit to myself today that if I don't start to work on this myself, and for myself, first, and continue to do so, then it will never happen.

It's not going to be easy. The negative inner dialog I have is already making all kinds of excuses for me, coming up with "What if?s" and "But"s. It'll be difficult to fight this negative inner dialog and continue to affirm my basic needs and move forward, but it's what I must do. Regardless if electro-shock is necessary, working on my own self-love is still crucial or all other attempts at helping myself through shock or medication or institutions will ultimately fail. I may need all of the above, and I am attempting to acknowledge and accept what I need and see it as a chance for growth, and at the risk of sounding "girly", see it is a chance for a flower to bloom.