Catching up

Well, I thought I'd post a lengthy post catching up what's happened over the past week.

This past weekend I was having severe depression. I think it's been over a week since I showered and I think I only put on a fresh pair of clothes once during that week. Depression born mostly out of frustration and hopelessness about the future. I had another panic attack that left me curled up in the fetal position in the closet, and many others having me curled up in bed or the corner. And smoking a lot. Monday was horrible, I had trouble getting my Xanax refilled, I spent almost a whole day without taking Xanax because I was out of it, which isn't a good thing when one is taking 8mg of it daily. So, I ended up spending a long time sitting in rush hour traffic in the pouring rain having panic attacks and withdrawal symptoms driving between my doctor's office and the pharmacy trying to get things sorted out.

I felt a little better after distracting myself playing games and such. I met with my therapist and then my psychiatrist yesterday. I went in basically to tell them that I would like to discontinue my therapy due to the fact that I can't keep spending money on something that is not helping me, even though I have a high respect for my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist agreed, in fact he said he was going to tell me the same thing because he felt there was nothing more he could offer me in all honesty.

On the advice of my aunt, I asked them both the same question: "What would you do as a next step if I was your son, given my history?" My therapist replied that he would try to find some way to institionalize myself, but it would be hard because it is very expensive, and being admitted to an institution based on an anxiety disorder is unlikely, they are usually only willing to admit someone if they are convinced one is going to commit suicide.

My psychiatrist replied that he would use ECT, commonly known as electro-shock therapy, as a next step. I could talk for hours about the pros and cons of ECT. I've studied electronics, as well as psychology, neuroscience, and anatomy in college, read literature biased both pro and con for the use of ECT, and my opinion about the use of ECT has changed somewhat in the past year. I still think, based on what I know of the brain and electronics, that it is unlikely to be effective unless the voltage applied is high enough to actually burn up some of the neurons. I used to be stead-fast against the use of ECT, but I am now desperate and, to be honest, almost eager to give it a shot, because frankly each day suicide sounds more like the best solution.

I scheduled a joint meeting between myself, my father (possibly my aunt), my psychiatrist and my therapist next month to discuss what options we have left.

In the meantime, I'm going to spend the next week decreasing my dosage of Lamictal, and at the end of the week I'll be completely off of it.

I spent some time with my psychiatrist urging him to think outside the box. He gave me some samples of Strattera, a medication for Attention Deficit Disorder that works on norepinephrine. I've scored pretty high on written test for ADD, and my childhood history and observations of myself and some others show that I may very well have ADD. My psychiatrist isn't very convinced that I have ADD and was against the use of ADD medications because they can make panic attacks much worse; I told him that I've survived some pretty serious panic attacks, and I'm willing to take that risk on the off chance that this medication may work better than the 18 other medications I've tried so far.