Hard Anxiety, Gentle Cure

Link: Gentle & caring:
"Sometimes we just wish that all the disturbing thoughts will go away and die, but yet we still get agitated because they don’t seem to want to go away. The more we push them away, the more they come back. This sort of pushing and having an idea of a world without disturbing thoughts is a kind of attachment.
And so we solve this problem by acting like this: At the moment of the birth of each thought, bring your mind back to the soft, gentle chant: 'May I be well and happy. May my mind be calm and wise. May all beings be well and happy.' "

I did a search for hard anxiety on Google and found the above page, I think it's a good one-pager to read.

Last night I did go out for an hour and just browsed around a one of the major electronic stores, and that did seem to do the trick for getting rid of most of my anxiety, came home and ate dinner, took care of a couple around the house things, then got distracted watching TV and playing my favorite video game, then finally went to bed and got some decent sleep.

The anxiety of not knowing what to do

It's Sunday, and I don't know what to do. My sleeping patterns are, as usual, screwed up, and I'm groggy right now. I've been feeling anxiety all day, because I'm not sure what to do. Home alone, nothing on my to-do list, bored, with this feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something, maybe important, but not knowing what it is. And everything I think of to do to distract myself sounds boring, so then I go back and lie in bed.

I think I'll head to one of the big electronic stores or something and just browse around, for something to do; I kinda feel like I need to be around a crowd of people. Usually I avoid that kind of thing, but being at home in my "comfort zone" I'm feeling anxious, so I'll go do something that would otherwise make me anxious and see if that makes me feel any better.

I slept right through the time I was supposed to take my morning Xanax, so that means I skipped a dose, not really sure if that has anything to do with that, since that was eleven hours ago and I've taken my regular doses since then.

Anxiety T-Shirts

I was thinking about making some T-Shirts or stickers or whatever for us people with bad anxiety, with a humorous twist. I don't know.. maybe something list a twist on the "No Fear" bumper stickers and T-Shirts that were popular.

Send me an email by clicking on my name below if you have any ideas or thoughts on this, I could sell the shirts from this website real easy without any hassle for me, and I don't think they'd be too outrageously expensive, I know we're all poor so I'd set it up where I'm only making a few cents on the t-shirts or stickers or whatever.

Happy holidays

Well, happy holidays everyone. It's been stressful and will be for a few more days, it'll be tough for a day or two as I have to try and keep my aunt away from the place for a while so we can set up her surprise Christmas present. What really makes it tough is that since I still have problems sleeping normally, it makes it much harder to not be groggy, lack of proper sleep makes my anxiety more pronounced and thus harder to do things.

Thanks to everyone for the nice gifts I received today.

Hectic week

Man, this week is hectic. My cousin's in San Diego recovering from surgery, I'm having a lot of anxiety as I have to do a lot of running around taking my aunt to and from work and to my cousin's place to take care of her place and what not, with my anxiety it's getting harder for me to do much running around of errands even if they are close to home.

I've been trying to continue to relax and watch some movies to chill out in between times. My inability to keep a regular sleeping pattern is still causing problems, I usually have to get up to take my aunt to work just at the same time I'm crawling into bed exhausted, which makes it even harder to drive since I can hardly keep my eyes open.

People have been telling me more often that my pupils seem dilated, looking as if I'm stoned or something, probably from the meds I'm on, but when I look in the mirror and pass lights in front of me my pupils seem just fine to me... so, whatever, not sure what significance to attach to that. I'm up to 100mg a day of Lamictal, haven't really noticed anything different other than that my apetite seems to be returning to almost normal.

So, things have been hectic, worrying about my cousin and stuff, we weren't sure what hospital she was at and we weren't able to reach her for a few days so we were worried that there might be problems but it looks like everything's O.K., she'll just have to stay there for a week or so for follow up testing.

But, on the good side, it looks like the flu or whatever I had is gone, I got over it in two days, I think drinking a ton of that pink grapefruit juice did the trick.

It looks like there are still some problems with my emails, some are getting through and others are not, I'm still trying to work things out with my friend who runs my email service. So, if you email me and don't get a reply or you get an error message, just try again in a few days and hopefully we'll get it all straightened out.

Ugh, now I'm catching a flu or something

Ugh, I had a good night last night hanging out with a new friend, and then I wasn't able to sleep until almost noon, and I began to get sick, aching all over... I think I'm catching what my aunt has been sick with.

I'll have the place to myself for a few days, which will be kind of nice as my aunt has to go off on a trip. I rented a bunch of movies and got a book from the library for something to do as I lie aching in bed. :( I'll be drinking a bunch of pink grapefruit juice, that usually works for me to get rid of colds and stuff, hopefully it'll work this time.

Meanwhile, just to let all of you know who have been emailing me, I've been having troubles with my email provider, it might take me a few more days to get everything sorted out, so please be patient :)

It's getting harder to come up with titles for my posts LOL

Anyway, the group session wasn't much, just our first session and a little short, basically there are three of us plus my therapist, and we basically just introduced ourselves, we're going to try and make the sessions longer and meet once every three weeks and see how things go.

Last night I went again to Border's book store, where they have an open-mic night in their little cafe' once a month. This time I met a couple women and struck up a conversation with them, and something one of them mentioned reminded me of one of my adventures in Germany, so I decided to add my name to the list and got up and told the story of when I was hiking in the Alps and almost fell off the mountain. Earlier, I was thinking about leaving after the first or second person used the mic, my anxiety was pretty bad, but then these women started talking with me so I decided to stay and enjoy it, we stayed for about an hour after the open-mic thing was done, talking. That was really nice, I so rarely get to meet people my age and actually talk to them, rather than just a real short conversation that doesn't go anywhere. We exchanged email addresses and stuff, so maybe I'll start finding some friends to hang out with. I still don't know my way around here very well yet, it would be nice to have some people show me where the fun things to do are and all that. Of, course, assuming I can get over my anxiety long enough to actually go out and have fun, which isn't very often.

My memory still seems to be getting worse, even after asking the women their names a few times, I still can't remember them... I've always had trouble remembering people's names, even after them repeatedly telling me, and I feel really bad about that. I've always been pretty oblivious to a lot of things, and my poor memory seems to keep getting worse. It's possible that the medications I've been on contribute to a worsening of memory. It's like as soon as someone says something, I almost immediately forget it, if during that time my anxiety is a little high.

Stuff

One of the psychologists at my clinic, the one who ran the support group I used to attend, gave me a take-home evaluated/scoring form for attention deficit disorder, mostly out of curiosity on his part. He talked to me briefly about some kind of idea of using some kind of "primal therapy", at least I think that's what he called it... kind of think of me sitting in a room with the psychologist, and he pushes all my buttons until he can get me into an emotional breakdown where I release a lot of the pent-up emotions... just learn to let go of these emotions and get them out, and then after that start applying the cognitive strategies I've already learned to put the let-out emotions back into balance. In other words, he thinks we might be doing things backwards, that is, some of my otherwise healthy "coping strategies" may be making things worse for me, and will continue to do so until we can get to the root causes of my problems.

I also talked some more at length both with him and my regular therapist about the possibility of Parkinson's disease being a possibility for me. We skimmed through the typical symptoms, such as listed in the DSM-IV, and from that it sounds like it could be a possibility. Problem one is that Parkinson's is very hard to officially diagnose even with brain scans. It's also possible that the meds I've been taken cause some of these symptoms, although as I look back, I can say that most of these symptoms pre-date the taking of medication.

Once my state-run HMO insurance plan gets all settled, I'll start taking some more "check the box" type tests, written tests, that the psychologist can use to get yet another perspective into my problems.

My therapist, psychologist, and even my psychiatrist, are beginning to think that all of the cognitive-behavioral therapy and "talk" therapy won't be able to help me... or more accurately, it won't be able to get me closer to a cure. The idea is that there is something else deeper that needs to be resolved first, whether it's a neurological problem, or releasing decades of pent-up emotions, or both, we're not sure yet and that is why I'll start taking both written tests and brain scans and such.

All of these cognitive-behavioral techniques and talk therapy and things like self-esteem boosting and compassionate self-dialog and many other things are "good things" and really help a lot of people with anxiety disorders, I have seen many sufferers of anxiety related disorders improve dramatically with this type of help, so I don't want to discourage anyone from giving them a shot.

In the short term, I will continue to see my regular therapist every two weeks, and also attend a small group session mediated by him once a month.

Tomorrow is my first session with this new group, and I'll turn in this ADD test then.

I have a feeling this is going to continue to be a very, very long ride, it seems from my point of view that there is not one or even just a few prominent causes, but a complex mishmash of problems, each by itself only slightly abnormal, that together as a whole have put me where I'm at. Trying to fish out each of these little things and finding a way to fix them without "upsetting the cart" will take a long time, but I'll stick it out as long as I can.

I made the call to cash out the measly sum I had in my retirement account to further help me in the short term with medical costs, especially since many of my family members are in a financial or medical crisis.

Other than all that, daily life is still the same struggle I have been going through for some time now... simple tasks like doing the dishes or running short errands are very difficult, I often tremble and break dishes and things like that, my mind wanders a lot, sleep is still troublesome for me, and I spend most of my days lethargic and groggy, avoiding most things but also trying to push myself a little bit to keep me from becoming too sedentary... I am and have been very sedentary for a long time.

One of the chickens has hatched :)

Well, this weekend I got a spiffy letter from the Congressman I talked to about my Social Security back-pay, and the letter said I'd have the money directly in my checking account in ten days, then today I look at my account and the money is already there! Woohoo! That will definitely make things easier for the short-term, as I try to transition to this MediCAL insurance/HMO thing.

I'm still having an even harder time going out now, Sunday I went to my cousins for the afternoon and evening, watched a couple good movies and had a great meal and all that, but I started to feel the same way I did during thanksgiving, like the walls were closing in and my emotions all felt strange.

I'm also once again casually looking into the facts behind Parkinson's disease. I talked to one of my friends who has Parkinson's, he's quite intelligent on the subject, and he was able to tell me quite a bit and give me some information to look up. Parkinson's is just one idea we have, one theory, to explain why all the meds and therapy, all the years of hard work to get over the anxiety and panic attacks and depression, have ended up with me being worse rather than better.

I also finally got my hands on the report of the sleep study I had, it was interesting to find out I had no Delta sleep at all, I transitioned between sleep stages like 54 times, and my REM sleep was short... which I thought strange since I seem to dream for very long and very vividly; I also kick my legs, grind my teeth, and snore a lot. Not getting any delta sleep would help explain why I have so much daytime fatigue.

Still having trouble keeping track of the days, hope I don't completely forget about sending out the holiday cards, I'm sure Christmas will sneak right up on me and I'll be stuck saying "oops".

I think I'll end this post now, my coordination is a little off and I keep having to go back and fix my typos.

Is it really an anxiety disorder? More like a complex mish-mash

Hmm, I don't think I'll be able to go into a whole lot of detail here, just because it would turn into a book if I did... but in my years of therapy and looking at my problems from all kinds of different points of view, and the fact that all of the excellent work I've been doing as far as using coping skills and self-esteem boosting things and other cognitive and behavioral techniques, while my ability to function normally continues to gradually decrease, we're thinking there's a lot more to this picture, as my therapist put it, "You're an enigma".

It's not just fear that is overwhelming me, or depression, or anger, it's also the other emotions, of hope, excitement, etc... they all, when I experience them, are over-powering. My therapist and I think it has a lot to do with my hippocampus and amygdala not regulating my emotions properly, my psychiatrist is holding off on making a judgment on that until we have some kind of scans to back up such a theory. It's amazing I've made it this far without actually attempting suicide or turning to street drugs or alcohol, I've built up such a complex mish-mash of defense mechanisms to kind of keep myself in check, but sometimes those defense mechanisms, at times, do more harm then good.

I've also been looking into some studies that show how it is possible, due to genetics, that there are people like me who are overly resistant to anti-depressants due to a gene mutation that changes the number of receptors on neurons and things like that.

For me, this is kind of interesting to research about, but it also throws me into a deep depression, feeling hopeless, feeling shame and guilt, because I look forward and see how long it is going to take before I can expect any improvement, from my research it looks like the best we can hope for, for the foreseeable future, is to simply slow down the rate of degeneration, so I have to distract myself and try to just focus on the moment.

Giving the gift of time - How to help someone with an anxiety disorder

Two good links, one for those people helping who are trying to help a person with an anxiety disorder, and one for the people who have an anxiety disorder help those who are trying to help them.
Giving the gift of time - How to help someone with an anxiety disorder
>Helping the people who are helping you when you have an anxiety disorder

Insert title for post here ;-)

Well, I see my therapist today, I'm going to talk to him about how I react when I'm away from home on trips, like with thanksgiving. I'm wondering if I should bother planning any trips in the future for a while, like I was planning on spending a week or so with friends and family in Michigan in January, but knowing how I react on trips I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not, and besides, finances are tough, other people in my family are having medical problems as well, so everyone's kind of stretched thin right now and having to deal with a lot.

Sunday I was pretty nervous during the day, I was home alone, and my family was returning home that evening, and for some reason I was real nervous about it, and then I just put all my nervous energy into cleaning the house and organizing a closet and stuff like that, and it made me feel a lot better, like I got something accomplished. Brings back memories of my early teenage years, I used to always get nervous when my parents were about to come home from work or whatever, worrying about whether I had been bad or good in their eyes, hoping for them to come home happy, while at the same time feeling nervous because then I wouldn't be alone... it's all kind of complicated and sometimes contradictory, has a lot to do with my anxiety and my codependence.

I'm pretty tired as I'm writing this, I should be in bed right now.

I'm glad I was able to set my boundaries during Thanksgiving in a healthy way, I'm proud that I handled it better than some of my past trips.

Tomorrow I also double the dosage of my Lamictal, hopefully within a couple weeks I'll be able to notice that it's helping, but after being on so many other meds so far, I'm not expecting much. My main goal right now is to try and squeeze by financially until I can get that money that Social Security owes me, money keeps getting tighter, especially with the holidays and all, and the more I think about it, it seems like the state insurance I have now will actually increase how much I have to spend each month, so until I get the money that social security has locked up for me, I'm not even bothering to tell my clinic that I have insurance so I can keep going with the payment plan I have currently as a cash patient. I wish I could afford to get back on my vitamins and nutritional supplements and all that, but I guess I have to be thankful for what I have. My aunt is really sick right now, I hope I don't catch what she has, I'll have to make sure I drink some orange juice or something to help boost my immune system.

I'm also a little nervous about my website here, I feel like I'm not contributing as much as I had hoped to, as usual I set my expectations of myself too high... after all I guess this site is really just a place for me to do a monologue of what I'm going through, something I can look back at later and see where I've been and things like that.

Well, I'm going to go wrap myself up in bed with a good science fiction novel... although I have a big urge to go eat a piece of left-over cheesecake first LOL.

The Thanksgiving trip

Well, I drove myself the six-hour trip to my dad's, alone, to be with family for Thanksgiving. I was planning on staying five days I think, but I could only handle two before I had to bail and head home. For almost the past two years, I've been having problems where when I leave home and stay the night somewhere else, I have serious panic attacks that last for hours, weird kind of panic attacks that leave me very depersonalie, "feeling" like I'm on the edge of schizophrenia, I get up in the middle of the night and start to wander the streets, and usually I end up having an emotional breakdown, and seeing as how that was where I was headed, I decided to come home early, alone, and have a peaceful day at home by myself, just chill out and get some good sleep in my own bed.

Other than that Thanksgiving was nice, we had a good meal and the family was all nice, it was nice to be together for a while.

The drive there was hell for me, traffic was bad and my anxiety was hell, I had to make many stops to just take some time, fifteen to thirty minutes at some gas station or something and practice my breathing exercises and such. The drive home was much easier, partly because I knew I was going back to my "comfort zone", and also because my timing was perfect so I avoided a ton of traffic.

Is it really Saturday night?

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, like I've said before the days just seem to go by in a blur.

My anxiety has been pretty high lately, mostly due to worrying about my medical benefits situation and planning for the holidays, the clinic I go to screwed up some of my appointments with my therapist so I haven't been able to see him and won't see him until next month, and my main computer is now laying in parts due to a defective part that I've got to wait for a replacement on. Mostly just a bunch of little things, but with my anxiety, little things can provoke panic attacks.

I'm going to try and force myself to take some quiet time and just relax if I can. My cousin and aunt got me this special, I'm not sure what you would call it, it's like a meditation thing, you pour water into a glass bowl, and it lights up and turns the water into vapor and makes this soothing sound with soothing lights, I think I'm going to relax in my favorite rocker next to this thing for an hour or so and do my breathing exercises and such, relieve myself from a lot of these little pressures so I can step back in peace and see the forest for the trees.

I also went to the library earlier this week and got me some good old science fiction novels to read, just to relax to before bed each night, to take a break from just reading books on anxiety and the brain.

Still going with the flow

Well, I'm still kind of going with the flow, my moods are unpredictable, I'm noticing that more myself, and I'm just kind of riding along with them.

I went ahead and went to the Senator's office to have him look into my Social Security money on my behalf, I should hear back in a couple weeks or so, the people at the office were really nice.

I had a strange, powerful dream that woke me up this morning, the kind of dream that feels like it's an "omen" or something... one of those dreams where I wake up frightened because it involves people I care about, and it's hard not to resist the urge to call these people and warn them of the danger in my dream. I get those every so often, they're only rarely turn out to be true, I'm chalking this one up to just a mish-mash of things getting jumbled up in my dream and I'm not going to freak out and call everyone.

Finances are going to be screwy for me for a while, it's going to take some adjustment to see how much having MediCAL will affect my monthly budget, it's pretty clear that at least in the short term it will make things more complicated. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up, too, so that puts another wrench into it as well.

I'm going to be visiting my dad and some other family at his place in Nevada, it's like a six hour drive for me if I remember. I'm not so nervous about the drive as I am about staying in a place I'm not used to for a few days or more in a row (don't yet know how long I'll be staying). With my anxiety, I always have a need for a "safe place" to escape to, and being away from home I won't have as many "escape routes".

I'm also kind of contemplating trying to fly back to Michigan, where I grew up, early next year as a late Christmas visit... I keep changing my mind on whether that's a good idea or not. My last trip I had serious panic attacks, and was unable for the most part to see any of my old friends... it was nice to see my mom and stuff, but other than that, it was a really difficult trip for me anxiety-wise, and depressed too because I wasn't able to spend more time with friends. I haven't heard from any of my friends in months, so I'm worried if I do go back I wouldn't be able to see them at all, and that bothers me some. I'd still like to go see my mom and step-dad though... for the meantime, I've just decided to wait until I can get that money that Social Security owes me and then I'll decide.

Going with the flow...

I'm just doing my best to go with the flow right now. After having a good night out, I crashed into severe depression. My emotions are always quite extreme, and I'm just trying to go with the flow and ride with them as they go from one extreme to another, keeping in touch with my therapist.

I'm getting really stressed trying to deal with Social Security, they owe me thousands of dollars in back pay, and the Social Security office keeps telling me they're simply too busy to help... basically they're too busy to make one phone call on my behalf, all they have to do is call the national office to tell them to release the money. Ugh! My therapist tells me I could walk into the local Senator's office and that he could get them to do that, but I'm not sure I'm up to doing something like that. And my MediCAL state insurance card was supposed to be here last week, but I still haven't gotten it. I hate dealing with bureaucracies. And once I do get the card, there's a good chance it could actually increase how much I have to spend out of pocket each month for my normal visits with my therapist and such, but I need it so I can have the opportunity to get brain scans and such, and to be covered in case of emergency.

I also started writing an auto-biography of sorts, a book. It's a nice outlet, I'll work on it a little bit here and there as my moods permit.

Totally depressed day but great night...

I've been increasingly more and more lonely as time wears on, friends becoming more distant. This loneliness has become a major hindrance to my ability to actively work on my coping skills and other anxiety-fighting homework. It further drives thoughts of suicide. Realizing the need for companionship and how the lack of it is hindering my growth, etcetera ad nauseum, I knew that however bad the anxiety is, I have to push myself to get out... which isn't easy even without the anxiety, because I'm broke and I have no friends and I'm new to the area, so I've been scoping out what kind of free social activities are out there that I might possibly be able to enjoy, and I came across one opportunity, that the local Borders book store often has performances of various kinds in their coffee shop that are free and open to the public and it's only about a mile away.

I spent many hours agonizing about all of my loneliness, how lame I felt going out, imagining myself going up to people and saying "I'm really friggin lonely and I have an anxiety disorder, will you please be my friend?" LOL. But I spent hours trying to prep myself for going out tonight, but the depression and the thoughts of "what's the point?" were just plain overwhelming.

After speaking with an old and dear friend on the phone from back on the other side of the country, and then going out for the night by myself, I sent her an email which I pretty much just copied below.

Thanks Pam! You've really pulled me through a lot many times.

I just got back from the open-mic night at the Border's bookstore down the road and I had a great time... I had to over-dose a bit to do it, but it left me smiling. But, I think more than the over-dose, laughing with you on the phone helped me more than anything... I was in a very deep depression, and being able to laugh with you on the phone made the rest of the night so much easier.

I didn't really make any friends but I was able to cheerfully chat for a few seconds with some of the performers, and that was real nice. As I sat there, it was like the times I told you about, how hard it is for me to go to a bar and see a band play, because the stage cries out for me to just jump up there and perform. I had that same feeling tonight... That microphone was just crying out my name. I darn near did stand up and take the mic, but I didn't have anything prepared and couldn't think of a topic that would fit in the time frame, but after I finish this email I'm gonna see if I can't come up with something... That mic is calling me to be a performer again. My only bummer is that open mic night is only once a month... I wish it was once a week! But they have other performances once or twice a week where blues or jazz musicians will come and play, so I'll probably check out those, and even Carrot Top (yeah I know you hate him but he still cracks me up) is coming sometime in the next week or so to do his thing at the bookstore and sign autographs, so I'll probably check that out too and get a laugh out of it.

So, I've finally found something that's free and that I can actually handle! I'm ecstatic!

Lots accomplished, lots to do and think about... and drug number 18 and counting...

Well I've accomplished quite a bit. After lots of trouble, it now appears that I will be getting medical insurance from the state, and that within the month I will have the actual card to carry, which will open (hopefully) a lot of doors to more expensive treatments and tests, while also giving me and my family the relief knowing that if I get in an accident we'll be able to handle hospital costs. I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch, but it looks like it's really going to happen this time.

After getting that taken care of I met with my therapist. I was very unsure of myself going to see him, because I had so many things I wanted to get off my chest and talk about I couldn't think of any way to cram all that into a 45 minute session, and I couldn't decide on a smaller issue to discuss. But, in my opinion it turned out to be a great session. One that will give me a lot to think about and keep me real busy for some time to come. For more details, check out my new page called "Anger Management and Defense Mechanisms - Just a sad game?" now listed under my breakthroughs in the left-hand column.

Then I got to see my psychiatrist. First, he told me that there is another version of Xanax available, a sustained release version. The Xanax I'm taking now is a generic form, but still very expensive. Many drug companies are doing this kind of thing now in order to make more money - after a patent on a drug runs out and becomes generic, they then come out with a new patented version of the drug that is the same thing, the only difference being is that the chemicals are released more slowly over a longer period of time, so you end up taking less pills per day, and you have a more even balance of the chemicals in your body. He told me to take the prescription to the pharmacy and see how much this version would cost me compared to the generic standard release version, and if it doesn't cost too much more, then I should switch to it. I'll have to wait another week or so until my social security money comes in before I find out if I can handle affording it or not. In the meantime we're increasing my dosage back to 8mgs a day, up 1mg from where I was for a while.

He also added a new drug in addition to the Xanax called Lamictal. (the 18th new drug for me) An intersting drug I have not heard of before that is approved for epilepsy and bipolar disorder. Bascially, it acts as a mood stabilizer and an antidepressent. What really peaked my curiosity is how this drug is thought to work. Unlike all the other medications I am aware of, this medication works on the sodium molecules found in neurons. Sodium is one of the molecules that help propogate the electrical signal from one part of the neuron down it's "legs" to the end of the neuron, which then trigger the release of the neurotransmitter chemicals which send "signals" to nearby neurons. All of the other medications I am aware of specifically target the "ends" of the neurons and are designed to "block" some of these neutransmitter chemicals, like serotonin. The side effect profile for this drug isn't too bad compared to others I have taken, and I was also happy to find out that the clinical trials of this drug actually lasted 18 months - much longer than most other drugs, which makes me more confident in this drug since they spent more time watching patients to see how the drug worked over a longer period of time. Plus, I was lucky in that the doctor was able to give me a month's worth of free samples. I'll see him again in three weeks to guage my progress. As with most drugs, I'll start out at a low dosage, then after two weeks double the dosage, and then if nothing bad happens, after another two weeks I'll double the dosage again to finally arrive at the standard treatment dosage level.

Boy, what a couple of days!

Phew, man have I gone through some ups and downs the past couple days, I almost feel like I want to talk like a valley girl and say "like, oh my god" if you get that kind of humor.

Anyway, I've got tons of stuff to write about, my next post is going to be a real long one, I'm gonna take a nap now and give myself a moment to let it all kind of settle and sink in so I can digest it a little and write about it, but I think I'm breaking some new ground. Sorry about that last posting being such a garbled mess, it's hard to explain but my brain was shutting itself down as a defense mechanism against the anxiety and traumatic emotions I was feeling.

It just keeps getting worse

I went again to the welfare office to fight for my disability insurance and it just keeps turning into a more complex nightmare. It's like thheyre tying to make things impossible for me to get the help i need. i m having a hard time thinkng now. i can't my cognitive abilitise are geting eeker. im fighting it trying to sabe mysefl but oh my it hurts i don't know howmubh longer i have leftr. i'm dying i think i whoulhd rigt a will to make things easier in case i can't make it. i try to read the forms they want me to do but i cant make rel sense of them. i don't deserve this im fighting i dont remember things im trying to make it eaiser on everyone else and pretend as much as i kan byt im slipping. i never imagined it could et so much worse i though twen i swa lockede in a lostet tremblin that it was the worst but now that seems liikke a nice day now. i think i should wrap some things up, but i don't think anybody really cares if i do or not exceept for my family and a few people who only exsit in cyberspace.

i'm sorry it s har dofr peple trying to hep me. when something is wrong with bain it is hard for people to understand who want to help and its hard to explain whats arong.

thoughts... emotion... balance...

I... I.. don't know what to write. I don't know what I want to say... or how to say... or who to say it to... I'm lonely... I'm sorry... I... I know I can't be what most believe I can be or do... I'm sorry I can't be who I could be if... things... were different... I'm crying. I miss so many things... but I'm not sure if I really every had those things that I miss... just a longing for some things that I will never have...

Why am I still here?

I've been asking myself this more and more frequently, many times a day now. Why am I still alive? Why haven't I killed myself?

The anxiety continues to get worse as well as all the other problems I have. More often now, there is anger accompanying the panic attacks, due to my frustration. If I wasn't the passive, easy-going person that I am, I would be throwing things and breaking things and insulting people. I've gone past depression to shear despair. I don't look forward to anything. Not even the thought of being able to go on a great vacation or winning the lottery or finding the perfect woman sounds like fun.

I've also been thinking about the word "recovery". I have often talked about my attempts to recover from all of this.. but recovery implies that at one time I didn't have these problems, and that isn't true. They've always been there, so there is no place to recover to for me. I am now passed the point where even if my faulty sympathetic nervous system was fixed, I would still be unhappy, simply because... oh hell it doesn't matter so I won't even say why.

So why have I not killed myself? Is it because I hope things will get better? No. I know the truth. I can justifiably say "I'm screwed". After years of talking with doctors and therapists of all makes and kinds, and years of studying and researching the underlying causes and what kinds of things can be done, I know that there is nothing I, or anyone, or anything can do that will cause me to be free of my disorder. At best, I can hope for a slight reduction in the symptoms, but that's it, nothing more. I find myself getting angry with people who refuse to accept that and hold on to their ignorant faith and hope that "there has to be something that will work".

So why have I not killed myself? Because of the anxiety. The anxiety is so severe that my body will do anything to escape that fear, even if it means death... but, the anxiety is what is keeping me alive. Ironic? Actually it makes perfect sense to me. My "fear switch" is turned on all the time. I'm not necessarily afraid of dying, but when I think about suicide, the anxiety gets very severe due to realizing all the consequences that would have. How it would cause emotional suffering to my friends and family, the hassle they would have to go through in arranging a funeral. And also the realization that I'm not the only out there suffering like me. I still have one hope - it's a long shot by far - but my hope is that I can convince some researchers to study people like me who have had the disease since birth, and who are treatment resistant. I've searched and searched, my psychiatrist has as well, and we can not come up with any studies that have been done on long-term treatment resistant people such as myself. It's really sad that no such study has been done. All the studies I see of anxiety related disorders only observe the subjects for a time measured in weeks... not years. And that maybe, many many years down the road, such studies could eventually lead to a cure for this. This would mean altering genes. Something that the government is currently against and many people are scared of.

So, I'm pissed off. The anxiety won't let me live, and it won't let me die. And I don't have the funding at my disposal to do the long-term invasive research that so desperately needs to be done.

Still don't know what day it is...

Well, gosh, what day is it again? I'm still having trouble keeping track of the days... they go by without me really noticing them with my odd sleeping patterns... and I seem to be less aware of what is going on around me... and my moods have been wierd, almost like frequent emotional trauma without any real external source for it... and I'm starting to have more level 9 and 10 panic attacks.

Anyway a reader of the site sent me some links about Benzodiazepines, a class of medicines frequently prescribed for short-term anxiety relief that also have side effects of addiction, withdrawal symptoms, and... as with many other medicines for anxiety, the risk of making anxiety worse and not better. Sucks, don't it?

Anyway, if you want to learn more, here are the links:
BENZODIAZEPINE DEPENDENCY AND WITHDRAWAL
Frequently Asked Questions
BENZODIAZEPINES: HOW THEY WORK
AND HOW TO WITHDRAW

I also recently read the full unabridged version of Flowers for Algernon... and boy that book just really struck me, I can see so many parallels to my own life... from my point of view the book tells the story of a young man struggling to balance his emotional maturity and his intellectual maturity. It's the kind of book that I think most people can get something from.

hmm... What day is it?

Boy I didn't realize it's been about a week since I last posted... where have I been? Mostly groggy, heck most of the time I don't even know what month it is...

My psychiatrist and I decided to stop taking Gabitril cold-turkey in an attempt to alleviate the hyper-somnia and grogginess. My fear is that I will return to where I was before the Gabitril - severe insomnia, which I hated as much as I hate this grogginess. We're frezing my levels of Xanax at 7mg a day, and we'll wait and see for a few weeks how things change.

Since I can't afford the nutritional/herbal/mineral/etc supplements I've been on, my psychiatrist suggested a "free" method that may help.

Check out www.solarhealing.com to find out more about what he's asking me to try.

To sum it up, I'm supposed to stand barefoot on the ground and loot directly at the sun during the 45 minutes before and after sunset and sunrise, each day for nine months in gradually increasing amounts of time. The theory is that this will alleviate hunger, physical ailments, mental ailments, and also bring about spiritual growth. I'm keeping myself from making a judgment on wether or not this is all just a hoax, and keeping an open mind and willing to give it a try. Problem is with my current hyper-somnia I haven't been able to actually be awake during sunrise and sunset.

Unlearning Fear: Lessons From Mice

Link: Unlearning Fear: Lessons From Mice
Interesting this article was published on my birthday...
Anyway it talks about a subject I feel was beat to death in my psychology courses in college, that of conditioned responses, but some of you may find it interesting, although this study doesn't really tell us anything we haven't already known for years.

Antidepressant Side-Effect Gene Found

Link: Antidepressant Side-Effect Gene Found
Something else to consider... why I often see side effects but no relief...

Antidepressants Grow New Brain Cells? What?

Link: Antidepressants Grow New Brain Cells
Aug 7 2003
New research funded by the National Institute of Mental Health strongly suggests that some antidepressants work by growing new neurons (brain cells). The study found that blocking the formation of neurons in the hippocampus blocked the behavioral effects of the antidepressant fluoxitine (marketed as Prozac and Sarafem) in mice.

Studies had already demonstrated that depression and anxiety can cause loss of neurons. Other studies have shown that antidepressants can trigger neuron growth, termed neurogenesis, in the hippocampus; but the significance of this was unclear.

This is very interesting, as I have been reading for quite some time about how chronic sympathetic nervous system activation destroys neurons in the hippocampus. The hippocampus is like a switchboard that encodes and decodes conscious memories.

The article claims that Imipramine, after being used for weeks, actually causes those same types of cells in the hippocampus to grow (meaning new cells, not fixing the old broken ones).

hhmmmm... I was on Imipramine for seven weeks, and it had no noticeable affect on me at all, which is why we decided to stop taking it. I would like to see more research on this, because as my memory conitnues to get worse, any hope of being able to grow new neurons in the hippocampus is a big plus item for me, so I will have to remember to discuss this with my psychiatrist when I see him next week. If there is agreement that Imipramine will create new neurons in the hippocampus, then it would be a good idea for me to take it even if it doesn't help with my anxiety.

Just a note to all you out there, these tests are done on animals, usually mice, never on humans, because unfortunately to really test these theories on humans would require invasive procedures on the brain that would kill the patient. So as with all theories it must be taken with a grain of salt.

The issue of loneliness...

I've been pretty lonely lately. I've been quite lonely many times, and birthdays usually bring this issue to the fore-front for me. I have many friends and family who are supportive and encouraging, but I'm lonely for that special person that I can be close with who can truly relate to how I feel, and with whom I can have fun with, hang out on a regular basis, and talk about things both important and not so important. Someone who has a deep empathy for my condition, someone who is walking in my shoes.

There's two parts to this problem. First, my condition makes it increasingly difficult to go out in social situations such that I could find such a person. Secondly, even if I were to get out and be available, the person I'm looking for would be facing the same problems and most likely wouldn't themselves be out there to be found.

It also brings up a moral issue for me. I've had some good relationships in the past, and in retrospect I can see how my condition caused these relationships to deteriorate. And I've decided long ago that I don't want to bring another person into my life close enough that I might unintentionally hurt them or burden them. I would never do such a thing intentionally, but due to the nature of my condition, I easily become withdrawn socially and emotionally, am very needy, and that is not good for a healthy sustained relationship.

I've tried to accept the fact that I will have to live with this type of loneliness for a long time, and in the meantime I'll have to be my own best friend. It's not easy, and often very difficult to not slide into a deep depression because of it.

One therapist suggested that I should go out and start dating just for the sake of practice. But I have a moral problem with that, it sounds too much like using people.

Some people suggest a spiritual solution to this problem. I do agree that having a faith and relationship with a higher power can alleviate some of this empty feeling, but it can't fully take away the basic human need I have to be close to another human being who can identify with what I am going through and with whom I can be with most of the time.

I've met some people and made some distant acquaintances with people through support groups and on the internet, but what I really need deep down is someone close at hand who I can share my days and my intimacy with.

So it's a catch-22 in a way. I probably won't be able to find such a person, and if I do I risk hurting them or burdening them with my problems, or becoming codependent. And as I look into my own future, I see many other catch-22s.

Happy birthday to me...

Happy Birthday to me! Happy birthday to me!

severely depressed...

I'm severly depressed and I don't want to talk about it. I turn 30 on Tuesday, and there's only one thing I want for my birthday.

Am I asleep?

I'm still having problems where I have really bad nightmares as I awake, and then I spend quite a few hours after that still stuck in this wierd "am I still asleep?" mode, during which the content of the nightmares is constantly replayed in my head, and even taking a cold shower doesn't knock me out of it, I just have to wait a few hours or more and try to get distracted into something and eventually over the hours I eventually forget about the nightmares. It's kind of like a post-traumatic stress reaction, sort of. But still, throughout the whole day, and it's been this way for months now, it's like most of me is still asleep, like a real groggy feeling. Doc says it's mostly due to the meds I'm on causing this kind of thing. I see him on Tuesday, I assume we're going to lower the dosages a minor amount again.

My meeting with SSI went really well, I took my aunt with me for back-up, since my concentration and memory are so shot I can't always keep on top of things, and the guy we met with was really nice and got some of the paperwork straightened out. The next thing I have to do is work on MediCAL for my medical benefits, the application to re-apply (I have to start from scratch since they denied me on my first go-around) is being sent to me, so I should be able to have all of the stuff I need submitted to them by the end of the month. And since I'm not going to bother to ask for retro-active benefits, and since Social Security has already "blessed" my disability, I should get my approval for Medical to go through in about a month or so. So, if I'm lucky, come December I should be able to start getting my brain scans (finally), but I'm not counting my chickens until they hatch.

Financial blues

Well, I'm going through some financial blues... thank God my family is really helping me out. I have a meeting with SSI Thursday, I hope something productive comes from that... and I'm still getting the run-around from MediCAL but I hope to have that resolved within a couple months (knock on wood), but in the meantime money's real tight, trying not to bounce checks. Looking at my budget it looks like I'm going to have to stop taking all my vitamins and nutritional supplements and what not that the doctor has me on, they're costing me like three hundred bucks a month! Even after shopping around for the best price. I'll keep taking what I have left until it runs out, and further hope that after I run out of the stuff that I don't have any problems. Maybe once I get all my disability benefits from the government it'll help me out enough that I can afford the stuff again. I've trimmed everything else out of my budget that I can, I'll just have to get by without them for a while.

My dad and I had a good meeting with my therapist today too, I really appreciate that my family is willing to work with me on this and attend some of my sessions, I really believe in the teamwork approach and giving my family a chance to meet with my doctors and therapist and such so they can better understand things. It really helps a lot to have a supportive team behind me.

Good day, then bad day

Well, first of all, hooray for me for having a great day Saturday. I was able to drive myself over a hundred miles to attend a computer game convention. I only had one panic attack on the way there because the directions I got on Yahoo were screwed up, and the first gas station I went to didn't have any maps and the guy at the counter couldn't give me much help other than to tell me I have to head east for half a dozen miles and hope to find a gas station where someone might be able to give me better directions...

But anyway I finally got their "fashionably late" and ended up having a great time, and the drive home was easy. I'm surprised I was even able to wake up in time to get there, and after I got home I got caught up on a couple things, then I was able to actually fall asleep at decent hour and sleep all night....

And then it started... the night mares waking me up, then trying to fall asleep and getting more nightmares, each time waking up in a panic attack, but with a feeling that I wasn't sure if I was still dreaming or not, and I spent the whole day having level nine panic attacks one right after the other. I was so scared that I had to shut off my phone because just the sound of the phone ringing would scare me to death.

Ugh, this really bothered me, I was so psyched because for the first time in many months I actually was able to travel a long distance and actually enjoy and participate in a social event, I was so proud of myself, and then the next day I was pounded with panic attacks so consistently and so intensely that all I could do was just hang on and hope that they would eventually wear off.

Well, that was yesterday. Today my panic level is still high, but not quite as high. I'm trying to force myself to get a few things done today.

Some borrowed tips...

Here are some tips that I'm borrowing from a blog called "in the moment" who inturn borrowed them from another place...

An eight point plan from Psychotherapist Jerilyn Ross which I borrowed from Oprah
1. Expect, Allow and Accept That Fear Will Arise.
If you have panic disorder, expect that you'll have to deal with it.

2. When Fear Comes, Stop, Wait, and Let it Be.
Our urge is to run from fear. Running only re-sensitizes you. Stay with it and allow the feeling to be there.

3. Focus on the Present.
Use your senses to get grounded. Touch; smell; notice the colors and sounds around you.

4. Label Your Level of Fear from zero-10.
A level of 0 is calm; 10 is pure panic. When you reach a 10, you can't do anything but "ride the wave." There's peace on the other side of panic.

5. Ask Yourself, "What Am I Really Afraid Of?"
Work your way through every "what if" scenario.

6. Ask Yourself, "What is Actually Happening?"
Compare reality to your fear.

7. Function With Fear — Be Proud of Your Achievement.
Even if you're doing everyday things, it's an advancement. Feel good about each step you've taken.

8. Expect, Allow and Accept That Fear Will Reappear.
Understand that this is a condition you have. Take the fear out of the fear.

Not much new...

I meet with my psychiatrist yesterday and he told me to stop taking valerian root because it could cause problems with my liver. Over the next two months we're going to very gradually decrease the dosage of my Xanax in the hopes that my concentration, memory, and energy levels will improve without my anxiety and panic attacks getting worse.

In the meantime, I'm keeping myself in kind of a holding pattern, staying mostly withdrawn and keeping to myself most of the time. I'm not actively fighting the anxiety like I used to, and I'm not spending any time doing much more research or exercise or anything like that. It's a "lesser of two evils" approach. By staying withdrawn, almost in a state of denial, I'm able to keep the suicidal ideations away, not dwell on things, etc (although I'm sure this sounds ironic) but by doing so it's keeping me from having level 10 panic attacks and have to worry about being sent to the hospital again. I'm going to kind of stay in this state until we can find a medicine that at least cuts my anxiety and depression down by 40-50%. If I can get that much help from medicine, then I'll be able to jump back on the bandwagon and take my recovery the rest of the way using all the techniques I know.

For the past couple months, every time I try to go out and get exercise and work on my relaxation techniques and such, I find myself almost immediately sliding back down that downward spiral that leads me to suicidal ideations and fears that I'll need to go to the hospital. :( Yeah, it sounds backwards, but everything seems backwards for me as I try and get over my disorder(s).

Liver testing...

I went and got my liver tested yesterday, gonna have to wait a while on the results. It's a good idea to always get your liver tested every so often when you are on a lot of different meds, our livers weren't designed to process medications, so sometimes taking lots of certain kinds of meds can lead to liver damage. I think mine is fine, I just got it tested to be on the safe side, and I picked up a prescription for my acid-reflux while I was at it, Prevacid really works wonders for me.

Aside from that, I'm going to see if I can schedule an appointment today to appeal my denial for medical benefits. Wish me luck!

Got my blog added to About.com

Cathleen Hemming who runs the about.com section on Panic and Anxiety disorders, has added a link to my blog from that site. Thanks Cathleen!

Her site is a good source of information About Panic and Anxiety Disorders

Moves and changes...

Over the next month I'll be moving from my cousin's house to live with my aunt on the other side of town. I had been anticipating this type of move for quite a while in the back of my head, and I was always afraid about it.. I was certain it would lead to panic attacks. But, thankfully, so far I've been reacting to it quite well. I'm hoping my aunt and I can get along well after start living together. I really didn't want to move again, this will be my 14th move in my thirty years.

I spoke with my therapist yesterday, and he suggested that perhaps the very high levels of Xanax I'm on could be contributing to my constant lack of energy, so when I see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks, I'll ask him about this and see what he thinks about lowering the dosage or frequency that I take it.

Later this month I'm going to try and attend a computer gaming convention, that's about a 2 hour drive from here. I don't feel I'm really up to driving that kind of distance, but as the time approaches I'll see what I can do, maybe I can get some people to join me so it won't be too difficult.

I've started taking that new drink supplement that's supposed to help with my levels of GSH. It doesn't seem to have any taste to it, which is good, it's called Immunocal I think, but I haven't noticed much change yet, but maybe that's just because I haven't been on it long enough... and I've also slightly increased the amount of the "green drink" stuff I'm taking... and, well, I guess the past couple days I do seem to have had a little bit more energy.

Labor day blues...

Well, the labor day party we had had a nice turnout, too bad the wall of panic attacks kept me in my room for 90% of the party. Towards the end of the afternoon, I remembered an old trick I could use when my anxiety and panic were so bad nothing I could do would weaken the anxiety.. .that trick was taking 1 or 2 pills of lorazepam in addition to my normal meds.

DON'T TRY THIS WITHOUT FIRST TALKING AT LENGTH WITH YOUR DOCTOR!!!!

I've talked about doing this kind of thing for years with my doctors. It goes something like this. Lorazepam is in the benzodiazepam class of anti- anxiety/depression drugs, it's a short-term use medicine that has potential for addiction.

My problem with benzodiazepams is that I grow immune to them very, very very fast. Like within days, and then after that no matter how much I increase the dosage, they don't help anymore. I'm currently taking Xanax at a high dosage four times a day, and basically this is just to prevent me from getting withdrawals. As for the lorazepam, I can only add that, at most, once a week, otherwise I grow immune to it as well. I try not to add the lorazepam more than once a month if I can, and actually prior to labor day I hadn't used it in three months and had totally forgot about it.

So, since it was impossible for me to enjoy the party and as I laid there all curled up in bed having a panic attack, something finally reminded me of it, so I took two pills of lorazepam and within 15 minutes half of the anxiety and half of the depression were gone.. a wonderful relief! But then to my dismay, as I came out of my room everyone was leaving... :( wish I had thought of that sooner.

So, looking forward to my birthday next month, I think I won't use this trick again until my birthday party, so that I can enjoy it.

Let me state once again that doing this kind of thing, I keep my doctors well informed of what I do, and I keep a journal of my use of medicines. I don't recommend anybody experimenting with their meds without first developing trust with your doctor and then letting them know what you would like to try, and if the trust is mutual they will probably work with you. Then you have to monitor yourself very closely to make sure you don't become addicted or have side effects. This is very important.

I also started taking valerian root yesterday and I ordered some supplements online that are supposed to increase my body's ability to produce GSH (Growth Stimulating Hormone) which the two of which my doctor recommended that should help with my sleep without any side effects. I'll let you know how it goes once I finally get the stuff in the mail, since no stores around here carry it. Adding these things to all the supplements I'm already taking is roughly equivalent to the EM Power+ thing I mentioned in an earlier post. When I was in my doctors office I had him pull up the info on that supplement and look at the ingredients, and he gave me the option that I could either try it or just simply add the missing ingredients I'm not already taking. Other than that, we didn't change any of my meds this time, and he didn't want to give me an actual prescription for real GSH, which is basically a pill of the actual hormone itself, because it is more expensive and has side effects to boot.

Just wanna have fun....

I'm really getting tired of things continuing to go downhill with my social anxiety... I'm getting to the point were I'd rather just be alone 24/7. I can't handle parties for more than five minutes before the panic attacks set in. I get bothered when people try to talk to me. Driving is getting harder as my concentration seems to be getting worse, and my memory too. Sucks too, because in about a month I turn thirty and I always wanted to have a big 3-0 party... part of me still does, but the truth is I wouldn't be able to handle it if I had one.

I'm also starting to have problems with thoughts that everyone is mad or disappointed in me in some way.... that's what I hate about my disorder, it's so contradictory... I have no reason to think this way, and I combat these thoughts with compassionate self dialog and relaxation and distraction, but no matter what I do, the thoughts and feelings remain. Catastrophic thoughts and issues of trust plague my dreams. And I still have absolutely no energy, despite my efforts to get out and walk and take all these vitamins and supplements that are supposed to help with my energy levels. Maybe the drugs have something to do with that, since Gabitril does cause drowsiness... but I've felt this way since before taking it...

Technical issues resolved ;-)

Well, after months of trying to get the subscription service and the commenting features to work, I've given up. Technical support has been less than supporting, even after trying a few different service providers, so I've reluctantly decided to just simply remove the commenting and subscription features. They were both nice for the short time that they did work, and I wish I could keep them, but them's the breaks I guess. I have a little more sympathy for software developers now. It seems that, for some unexplainable reason, the code I publish isn't the code that other people see when they check my code from other locations... but I won't get into the gory details other than to say it's been a pain.

On the up side, getting rid of that part of the code should make the page load just a little bit faster for some people. :) If you wish to comment on anything I write, my email address is always available.

Bear with me

Please bear with me as I try to work out some technical issues with the site... hopefully I'll get this running smooth shortly.

In the meantime, things still seem to be the same-ol' same-ol'. That green drink stuff I've been taking only gives me a short energy boost for about fifteen minutes it seems, wish it lasted longer.

Next week I see my psychiatrist again, we'll have to decide if we want to try using Gabitril longer but maybe increasing the dosage, or switching to or adding an MAOI like Nardil.

I also just recently watched a documentary on some new herbal concoction out of Canada, not sure but I think it was on either the Discovery or Health channel. It's called E.M. Power+, and apparently it's not legally for sale anywhere since it hasn't been approved by any governmental agencies, but people still buy it and claim it works better than any other "real" medicine that they've tried. It's targeted more for people with bipolar disorder.

Here are a few links if you're interested in learning more about this:
http://www.truehope.com/home.asp
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010530/msgs/65123.html
http://remedyfind.com/rm-4112-E.M..asp

I might bring this up with my doctor, I'm not sure. I took a look at the ingredients, and I'm already taking more than 90% of the "nutrients and vitamins" this supplement contains. Since it contains such high dosages of its ingredients, it would be toxic for me to take (in my humble opinion) along with my current vitamins. It's quite expensive too, and I'd like to see more clinical research done on it.

Test

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Click below to comment on this post:

About Panic Disorder

I've been getting newsletters from www.about.com's section on Panic and Anxiety disorders, and I let them must pile up in my inbox for weeks until today. Turns out there's some really good info to be had in there, from dealing with side effects, to helping your frineds/family/caretakers better understand this illness and better help you. You can check it all out at http://panicdisorder.about.com/. Bring your pop-up blocker with you though.

The sight is well laid out and easy to read, it's worth a look.

Man this stuff tastes nasty :)

I've been trying that drink out now for a week or so... boy it tastes nasty! But I am getting used to it, just like the label said I would... I can tell it gives me a little energy boost when I take it, I sure hope it does what it claims and helps de-toxify my system.

Oh, and I just remembered after reading my post about my newest medication.... Technically it's not a real new med for me since I was on Neurontin before and that works on GABA as well. I just doubled my dose last Monday, and so far it doesn't seem to be having much of an affect on me, except that I do seem to be able to sleep for longer periods of time now, sometimes I even get a full 8 hours! Now if it was just a restful 8 hours.... but I can't have the moon I guess, eh?

I'm sorry again about not updating this site more often... I literally have a stack of information that I want to convert into a new page or two, but my problems with sleeping and being tired and stuff have sapped me of my motivation.

Hmm, maybe I should use some of my motivation skills on myself? Think so? Take my own advice? Yeah, I need to get back in the groove here. Look for more content shortly and send me a nasty email if I you don't see any in the next couple days.

Anyway back to the topic of anxiety, driving is starting to get more difficult for me. Which really stinks, I like to drive. Well, usually anyway. And it's getting harder to go shopping anymore... which I also used to enjoy... up until recently, unlike most with anxiety, I used to love going to crowded shopping malls, but now it's getting real difficult. I'm going to have to look into that.

Still having problems with social activities

Yesterday my family and I traveled to the coast, it was real beautiful and a nice day, but towards the end of the day my anxiety started getting really bad, it's still really hard for me to go and hang out. I had to spend a lot of time sitting in the car and taking a couple naps.

Eating a big dinner helped though. I ate as much as I could stuff myself with. This forces my asympathetic Nervous system to take to take over, effectively reducing my anxiety. I wouldn't recommend this as the best cure for anxiety, but it is effective and in an emergency it's one way to help.

Starting Medication #17... and surprise! It's not an MAOI!

Well, just got back from seeing my psychiatrist, and he decided to hold off on going with the MAOI and instead start me on a newer medicine called Gabitril. It works on a different neurotransmitter chemicals than the medicines I've used in the past, this one being GABA (gamma aminobutyric acid), the major inhibitory neurotransmitter in the central nervous system. It is indicated for use by the FDA for partial seizures but doctors have noticed that it works as a mood stabilizer and helps with anxiety as well, so that's why they prescribe it even though it's not approved by the FDA for anxiety (lots of other drugs are used like this by doctors, Neurontin would be another example).

The only side effects I should have to worry about are some dizziness and drowsiness, which shouldn't be a problem because I only take one pill at bedtime. But we'll see.

He's also having me start taking this "Green Drink" stuff from Tony Robbin's website, to help alkalize my body and de-toxify it some from all the medicines I've been taking, so I just ordered that. It's supposed to taste real nasty but heck I don't care if it's going to help, but it sure is expensive, after shipping and tax it's almost 70 bucks a month.

Almost there....

Well, my sleeping and eating are starting to improve now that I've been off the Wellbutrin for over a week, I'm no longer having to force-feed myself one meal a day, now I can casually eat at least two small meals a day. I'm also able to sleep a little longer and a little more often, and I feel a little less like a zombie.


I'm still spending a lot of my times getting "lost" in playing games on my computer... turns out it's a great way to keep my mind off of the circular thinking that I'm always doing, it distracts me enough that my overall mood has improved noticeably.

I'm not sure why the "Click here to comment on this post" feature isn't working, I think there's something wrong with Squawk Box's system (they are the company who provides this feature for free.)

Still toast

Yeah, I'm not posting much anymore, I am still so fried. I've been off the Wellbutrin for a few days now, but it's going to be a while I think before I can recover from it. In the meantime I am just such a zombie I don't have much to say and I'm so tired I don't have much effort to do anything. I feel about as useless as jpeg's to Helen Keller. :) So if you don't see me post for a while, don't worry, I'm just zombied-out.

It may be Saturday to the rest of the world, but not for me.... :)

Well, I haven't been posting in the past few days mostly because I didn't have much new that I felt I needed to say, and I've still been very tired, and I've been busy doing other things too, like trying to have some fun playing computer games and stuff while trying to keep from becoming totally confused about all the beurocratic paperwork for my disability... parts of it are going really fast and smooth, and other parts don't seem to be going at all... there's like three different government agencies involved, with paperwork going every which way and everyone telling me to do something different, so it's a pain to keep it all straight without going bonkers.

I wish I could get back to taking my daily walks like I used to, I really enjoyed that, but when it's a 110 degrees outside with some humidity it's not a good idea. (I know, I know, there are other alternatives for exercise, but that's not my point, I'm just slightly bummed that it's too hot and muggy for the walks I like to take.)

Anyway, I'm glad I'll be off the Wellbutrin after Monday. I'll be off for two weeks, which will probably be exactly how long I'll need to catch up on all my sleep and get back to a "normal" schedule, then I start the Nardil :-( Eek! I'm dreading that... My favorite uncle is coming to visit us for two weeks starting pretty much the day I'll start this new medicine, and I'm afraid with all the side effects this medicine is supposed to have, I won't be able to enjoy his visit much, which is a major bummer, I haven't seen him in years.

Meanwhile, I'm visiting my father and my brother for the weekend, gonna try and hang out with my brother and have some fun... he's got some social activities planned for tomorrow (technically today, but since I'm still up, it's still Friday for me LOL). I know at least the majority of the people involved, one or two of them are old long time friends, some are newer acquaintances that I'm fond of, so hopefully my agoraphobia won't be very pronounced like it was during the 4th of July party.

Uhh.... is the cure going to be worse than the disease? Still a long road ahead...

Well, I met with my psychiatrist today, and he is having me wean off the Wellbutrin, and I will see him again in 3 weeks, which is when he will put me on an MAOI, probably Nardil (Phenelzine). He said this will be a hard drug to take, but he really thinks it will work. He said there are a lot of side effects, restricted diet, and you can't take it with most other medications including over the counter drugs. In the meantime I will keep taking 8mg of Xanax a day... I told him the Xanax isn't any better than placebo for me, but he wants me to stay on it.

I asked him, and insisted that he answer me, "What if this drug doesn't do it? What will the next step be?" And he told me that then he would send me down to UCLA and have them check me out. Do some CAT scans and things like that.

I also asked him about Bio-Feedback treatment, which is about the only other thing that I haven't tried yet, and he said no, no, no... kind of mumbled something that sounded like maybe I could try that months down the road after we try this new medicine and have had some scans done and stuff.

So, anyway, I've done some research into MAOIs and specifically Nardil (the drug my psychiatrist mentioned as the most likely MAOI he'll put me on), and what I've found scares me... the restricted diet... here, I'll give it to you:
What should I avoid while taking phenelzine (Nardil)?
Foods that have high levels of tyramine can cause a severe reaction, including a severe headache, large pupils, neck stiffness, nausea, vomiting, sweating, irregular heart beats, chest pain, and death.death? Call your doctor immediately if you experience any of these symptoms. Avoid the following foods:

• cheeses, including american, blue, boursault, brick, brie, camembert, cheddar, emmenthaler, gruyere, mozzarella, parmesan, romano, roquefort, stilton, and swiss;
  
• sour cream and yogurt;
  
• beef or chicken liver, fish, meats prepared with tenderizer, bologna, pepperoni, salami, summer sausage, game meat, meat extracts, caviar, dried fish, herring, and shrimp paste;
  
• avocados, bananas, figs, raisins, and sauerkraut;
  
• soy sauce, miso soup, bean curd, fava beans;
  
• yeast extracts;
  
• ginseng;
  
• chocolate;
  
• caffeine (coffee, tea, cola, etc.); and
  
• beer (alcoholic and nonalcoholic), red wine (especially Chianti), sherry, vermouth, and other distilled spirits.

So that rules out a lot of stuff, I'll have to be very careful and picky about what I eat, expiration dates, and be really picky at restaurants... and I can't have bread, which contains yeast... but I've already limited my consumption of bread anyway because I get sinus allergy reactions to gluten, and I've already cut down greatly on chocolate, and I've already eliminated caffeine from my diet... so maybe I can handle this part of it.

But I also cannot take any kind of over the counter sinus, allergy or cold medicines or sleeping aids, and any other medication, whether prescribed or over the counter will have to be first approved by my psychiatrist or I could be in for some very severe side effects. Also, if I'm ever in a situation where I'll need anesthesia, I'll have to stop the medicine for two weeks prior to taking it... so pray I don't get into an accident that leaves me in a hospital unable to get anesthesia!

So there's all that... then there are the natural side affects of the drug:

• dizziness or drowsiness;
  
• tremors (shaking), weakness, or muscle twitches;
  
• restlessness, insomnia, anxiety, or agitation;
  
• nausea, decreased appetite, or abdominal pain;
  
• diarrhea or constipation;
  
• dry mouth; or
  
• blurred vision.

Plus other uncommon side affects.

So, it sounds like this drug could put me in a world of hurt... but I have to try it, if nothing else than to just say I've given it an honest try. But who knows. I've reacted differently than most people to all the drugs I've taken so far, so who knows, this drug could turn out to be the holy grail. But I'm not getting my hopes up. In any case, I won't start the Nardil for another 3 weeks, so it's going to be a while before we know how it affects me.

Keep your fingers crossed that my application for MediCal goes smoothly, so that when the time comes around for me to have the scans done, I'll have medical coverage for them.
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Waking up crying.... or in a panic

I'm still having a bad time with my sleeping, nine out of ten times where I am able to fall asleep long enough to start dreaming, I wake up either crying or in a panic. Yeah, I still have this problem. It's just that in the past couple months it has became more and more frequent, so now it is almost all the time. I usually wake up with tears in my eyes and very saddened, or I wake up in the middle of a panic attack, depending upon the content of whatever dream I was having as I awoke.

It's really starting to bother me. I can't sleep like normal people anymore... I mean I've always had some kind of sleep problems, but this is the worst it's ever been for this long.

It's partly due to the medication I'm on I'm sure, since I started taking the Wellbutrin I've had a much harder time with the whole sleep thing. It may also have to do with my lack of eating, the medicine also makes my stomach feel full all the time, so even the thought of eating makes me sick, but knowing that I have to eat something, I have to force-feed myself one small meal each day. Which isn't enough, but it's all I can stomach. And, I'm sure some of it may have to do with the fact that I have over the past six months been delving deep into my past, bringing up repressed issues and dealing with them, so my subconscious has easier access to these memories and therefore they haunt me in my dreams, even though I've gone through the therapeutic process of "letting them go".

So, as I write this, I can hardly keep my eyes open, very tired at a quarter after 7pm, wanting to go to sleep but not sure that I could if I tried... I've been trying to sleep all day, but I've only gotten little spurts of sleep hear and there, and in between the little naps I've been having panic attacks.

And I haven't been able to sleep at all during the night-time for more than one hour total while the sun is actually down... I have the most energy then, so I stay up all night until my body finally caves in around 8am and I crash for a couple hours, then it's up for an hour or so of panic attacks, then crash for another hour, lather, rinse, repeat until I either have to actually be somewhere and do something, or until late night approaches and I start to have more energy.

I've tried to force myself back to a normal schedule and I've failed miserably every time. I'll force myself to try and fall asleep at a normal hour, say nine or ten, and if I am successful at that, I can not stay asleep for more than one hour, and after that nothing I do will make me fall back asleep... not going for a long walk, not reading, not even sleeping pills, until well after the sun has come up. And as for forcing myself to stay awake and active during the day, I haven't been able to do that either between the panic attacks and the zombie-like state I get in during the day where my body craves sleep.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I'll definitely mention this to him.

As a side note, thanks to all of you who have called or emailed to let me know that you are praying for me. I appreciate, and I sincerely hope that God hears your prayers.
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Time to find a new group...

Well, I've decided that the group therapy that I'm attending isn't worth my time or money anymore, the topics discussed just don't apply to me. I know there's some other support groups out there that are almost free that I can check out, it's just a matter of getting over my anxiety and checking them out.

Other than that, it's been pretty much the same ol, same ol, I'm sleeping for longer periods of time now, but it doesn't seem to help much, I think it'll take me being off of the Wellbutrin SR for a week and a good week of catching up before I'm back to normal...which in a way is kind of scary, because the insomnia does numb the anxiety and depression a bit... but hopefully once I get started on the MAOI in a few weeks, that drug will do the trick for me. But, nope, I'm not going to let my hopes get very high on that, I've learned that lesson.

On a positive note, it looks like I'm one step closer to getting all of my disability claims approved, so in a few months I should be getting health coverage and some cash from social security, that will help out a lot... although, there's a part of me that doesn't really want that... it's the pride thing. It's like if my disability claim goes through, then I'm "officially" disabled... and pride doesn't like that. Everytime I think about it, I think, how long will I be disabled? Months? Years? My whole life? I know, I know, I'm supposed to focus on today and not worry about tomorrow but sometimes I just can't help it.
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A good intro about fear and memories in the brain...

link:Learning Series: The Brain and Emotions - part 1: Fear

Fear
Recent research shows that when something bad happens to you, part of your brain begins thinking independently, storing its own memories so it can save you next time. That worked fine a million years ago...
By Steven Johnson
Photograph by Elinor Carucci
Graphics by Don Foley

The above quote and link are to Discover Magazine's website, and the article is a good one if you want a good introduction into how fear, memory, and things like post-traumatic disorder occur in the brain.
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LeDoux Lab Web

Link: LeDoux Lab Web:
"'My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery-- always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why? What's this passion for?'
Virginia Woolf"

Man I want to go to sleep

Well, the good news is things aren't too bad on the emotional front, no major panic attacks or depression or anything in the past day, or more accurately not any extreme ones. I have my insomnia to thank for that, having little to no sleep leaves me like a zombie, which in a way is a blessing if you ask me. Insomnia and other sleep problems have been troubling me for quite a while, especially since I started taking Wellbutrin, but the past two days have been really bad as far as not getting any sleep goes... so it's a blessing in disguise, I'll take the zombie/tired/frustrated feelings of insomnia over the extreme anxiety and depression any day.

Also met with my therapist again today. Nothing earth shattering, having not gotten any sleep and feeling like a zombie, I wasn't able to "let out" the emotional stress that I had planned to do for this session. So, instead, I made a diagram of how my disorders interact to cause my various problems, and we talked about that for a while. Oh, curse my bloody memory, I almost forgot a good suggestion he had made... on the chart I listed all my sleep disorders (like grinding teeth, kicking leg syndrome, nightmares, insomnia, etc) and he noticed that, and then I mentioned that a little over a year ago I had a sleep study done on me at the hospital, thinking at the time I might have what they call sleep apnia (spelling?), which is a condition where you stop breathing for short periods of time while sleeping, and this can cause similar symptoms as those that I experience, like high anxiety and depression and such. Anyway... oh what the heck, I'll tell the whole story... for the study they had me spend the night in the hospital in a private bedroom. They attached electrical sensors or probes of some kinds to all parts of my body except for my face and my stomach and my feet. In order to keep these probes in place while I slept, the nurse assistant wrapped me up in so much medical tape that I looked exactly like a mummy, only my bare feet, stomach and face were exposed, the rest was layers of medical tape. Anyway, by the next morning, I had wrestled in my sleep so much that like all but one sensor had been yanked off of me, despite the tape.

The guys who monitor people in the bedrooms stay up all night and watch the read outs from the sensors. They're not doctors, so they can't diagnose, but he could tell me that I didn't stop breathing so I don't have sleep apnea, but he said I snored so loud he could hear me all the way down the hall with the door closed hehehehe, and obviously I kick a lot so there's some kind of sleep disorder going on. I already knew at that time that I grind my teeth when I sleep (I've lost two molars because of this), so I have to wear a teeth guard at night to keep from losing any more teeth. But anyway, the results were sent to the doctor, and the doctors office called me back to say that no, I don't have sleep apnia, but there were some interesting results and the doctor really wanted to talk to me about it. But I was never able to go back and talk with him about it, because I had just lost my job and all my medical benefits and couldn't afford another visit to a doctor.

So anyway, my therapist today gave me a release of information form, and his idea is that I can get the medical records from the doctor who evaluated my sleep test and have them forwarded to my current psychiatrist and maybe he can shed some light on things.

Now, if only I can remember that doctor's name so I can get those records....
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Today will be better

Yes, I was quite pissed off yesterday. It was a very bad day. But today it will be better. I woke up crying today, but still, today will be better. It has to be. It's the 13th. 13 is supposed to be my lucky number. And it's my friend's birthday. Happy Birthday Friend!
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You don't get it do you?

Even with the best of intentions, you don't understand, do you? But that's fine, because the only way you could understand would be to actually have what I have, and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I just wish you could all understand without having to actually feel it. But that's not possible.

Just quit telling me I have to get over it. Quit telling me I just have to say fuck it. Quit telling me I just have to count my blessings and keep up the work and it will all get better.

HELLO! HOUSTON CALLING THE REST OF YOU! Get a clue! I've done all those things, said all those things, meant all those things hundreds of times. IT DOESN'T WORK FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME!

When a person has both of their legs cut off, would you tell them, oh, just get over it, eventually they'll grow back? Fuck no you don't! You feel a little pity, but you'd never say something idiotic like oh, your legs will grow back! Sure, if we keep the analogy, prosthetics work in some cases for some people... and well, coping skills and medicines work in some cases for people with anxiety and depression disorders, but I'm one of the few that they don't work for! Sorry, but you're all going to have to accept that. I'll keep trying more medicines and more therapy, if nothing else than to keep you all satisfied that I've tried all the options... but in the meantime, quit giving me all this "Oh, it will get better in time" crap, and don't ever ever ever tell me again that I just need to get over it. Because I swear to God if I hear that again I will explode in a rage of fury.
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Bad dreams and anxiety

Today was another one of those days where I woke up in the middle of a bad dream, so I was already in a panic attack as I began to wake up, and it's just kind of left me angry and paranoid at the same time all day. I think I should just go back to bed and start all over.

It seems I'm still paranoid/anxious/angry about some things in my past that I know I've already dealt with and let go of, but sometimes out of the blue they come back, post-traumatic stress style, so I get all the emotions and everything again. I mean, it's like, you know when you break up with a girlfriend, it sucks, it hurts, and you grieve and get angry for a while, but as the days and weeks and months and even years go by, it bothers you less and less and you start to forget about it and eventually you usually even realize it was all probably for the best and you chalk it up as a learning experience, right?

Well, I've gone through this whole process, and no longer hold any bad feeling against anyone, I've accepted what's happened and I've learned from it and I've moved on... but even many, many years later, it can be like.. POW! I'm right there, in that moment again, feeling the same intense emotions... and, I, well, I tell myself, "uhhh... what the heck? That was years ago and happened on the other side of the country and why is this haunting me now? I've already forgiven and forgotten and all that..." But telling myself these things doesn't actually help with the emotions. I just have to ride through it, and wait for a day or two or three to get over it again.
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Oh, no! Mom and Dad are coming home!

I've got pretty bad anxiety right now. I'm frightened. And I've figured out where a lot of this anxiety is coming from... this particular anxiety I experienced a lot as a child living at home... it was the extreme fear that mom and or dad would come home at any minute, and I would be caught doing something, or caught not doing something I should be doing. OK, as a kid, I didn't do my fair share of chores, so when mom or dad would come home, they would lay the guilt on me for that. Or if I wasn't doing anything, I got guilt for not being more productive. Or, even if I really went out of my way to impress my mom by cleaning the house sparkling clean, instead of saying "wow the place looks really good Dave" or even just "thank you" she would always find that one little spot I overlooked and gave me some guilt that I didn't clean that spot. It would just devastate me. So, in late afternoon, I would always start to get scared because I knew any minute mom or dad might be coming home, and they wouldn't be happy with me. Before the age of 22, I can only think of like 3 times where my parents actually complemented me on anything. Everything else was criticism or judgment of some sort.

So, now, I have this anxiety, that no matter what I do or don't do, no matter how good I do it, I always have this scared-to-death feeling that mom or dad are going to come in any minute and give me some kind of guilt.

But, I'm 29 now, this type of thing hasn't happened in at least six years, I've developed a great sense of self esteem, and I've dealt with most of my childhood issues, so why do I still get this fear?

Well, I have to put a little caveat in here (if caveat is the right word). If the theory holds true that the neurons in the hippocampus shrivel up after chronically long periods of sympathetic nervous system activation, and that was or is a problem for me, then that would mean that I have a hindered ability to consciously recall memories, especially "good" memories, and most of my memories that I do have would be more subconscious fear-based memories. This is due to the fact that the amygdala in the brain is still working fine, and it plays a huge roll in the Fight or Flight response, and it is able to, the theory goes, create subconscious memories. Whereas one of the major functions of the hippocampus is to place memories into consciously recallable long term memory. So, if this is all true, then it is possible that I did receive more complements and nurturing comments from my parents than I am able to remember, due to the breakdown of neurons in my hippocampus. For more on this theory, read the book
The EMOTIONAL BRAIN: THE MYSTERIOUS: The mysterious underpinnings of emotional life by Joseph LeDoux
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Not much to say

Today's been one of those days where I've been really spaced-out. I've had this constant nervous feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something important, but I could never figure out what it was. This feeling happens to me any time I find myself with time on my hands. So, as usual when this feeling comes about, I start giving myself things to do, but whatever it is I give myself to do, as I'm doing it I get this strong feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something else instead. It drives me nuts, and a lot of times I end up just pacing in circles, because it's like part of me is saying do one thing, and another part is saying no, you're wasting time if you do that, or that's counter-productive, you should do something else or help someone do this or that and I just get caught in this circle with no way out and I end up pacing. I don't know how much of it is the anxiety and how much of it is from my childhood when it seemed like nothing I ever did was not good enough and whenever I was caught with time on my hands I was made to feel guilty for not being productive... I'm getting better at controlling the pacing, but it's like those nagging flashback things I've talked about, I wish it would just go away and leave me in peace, I could get a lot more done if my brain wasn't always telling me to do something else and keeping me stuck in some loop and feeling guilty the whole time.
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Feeling a little better again

Well, I'm starting to feel a little more confident, and especially less depressed. It helped a little to vent on my blog here, and I had some nice email chats with some readers, but I got a big help by letting myself have some fun playing my old favorite computer games... you know, just sitting back and getting sucked into some game for a few hours... boy, it really helped! Not only was I having a little fun, but the game took my mind away from the black hole of depression for a while, distracted me from all those circular negative thoughts... so I'm taking that little bit of a boost and trying to build on it by getting a few more things done around the house than I have been recently, and to start using some of that positive, compassionate self dialog and my breathing exercises again. Good for me! Not a major triumph, but hey, we'll take it!

I had a good meeting with my therapist today... I've decided against maxing out my credit card and getting a bass guitar. Too much anxiety there, and I'm afraid that the little bit of cushion I have left on my credit card should be saved for emergencies, because there sure isn't any money left anywhere else since I've been sucking all this money away from my family. God bless them for not putting me through a guilt trip about it. Dad, Mom, the rest of you, thank you so much again for your sincere support, even when I've lost hope you haven't given up on me.

Anyway, what I'm going to try to do is to do some more creative things, like some more creative writing and things like that to help let out my emotions... Theoretically this will help keep me from the deepest part of the depression, perhaps just enough that I can gain the energy and desire to keep using my coping mechanisms and do some more work on my codependency.

So, it's been a good day so far, and yesterday wasn't so bad, so I'm going to try and keep it positive as long as I can! But, at the same time, I'm going to tell myself, that, hey, I'm human, I'm not perfect, and to quit having such unrealistic expectations of myself, I can't just "snap out of it" and be all bright and shiny, and also because I'm human there are going to be times where I fall into the void of self-pity.
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