Very vulnerable right now, can't keep up with my own mood swings

I've been avoiding the net a little bit lately, God knows I spend too much time on the net when I should be in the "real world", but also avoiding it because I'm very emotionally vulnerable. I can't keep up with my own mood swings, I feel I can't trust what I say or think anymore, because everything is so darned contradictory.

As far as diet goes, my diet is as inconsistent as my moods. I'm going through some severe mood swings and have been for a while now. Honestly, some times I'm a little too "out of it" to even remember what I've eaten or even keep track of what time or day it is. I crash into depression thinking of suicide and cry for hours and sleep a lot, then I try to pull myself up from my bootstraps and use the various techniques I've learned, the positive self-talk and using my vitamins and supplements and a bit of exercise, then I fall back into the deep depression, lather, rinse, repeat. When I'm "down", I simply don't care, I don't write in my journal like I should, it's the type of depression where I'm not willing to give anything a try, I just let the depression ride itself out. I know that's not the right way to handle it.... honestly I'm even afraid to talk about it, that's why we're thinking that ECT (shock treatment) might be my best option right now, since it is so serious, but it's doubtful we can afford something like that, I won't know for sure if we can for a couple weeks or so.

That's part of the reason I've been letting my website slide, because my moods swing so much, I'm afraid of what I say, because my words and actions are so often contradictory.

Like this morning, I woke up suicidally depressed, came home after driving my aunt to work, and laid down and started crying, and got an email from an old friend asking to chat on the internet later this morning, I knew that if I chatted in the condition I was in I would just unload all kinds of contradictory feelings and I didn't want to do that, so I got a tad bit of exercise, took my vitamins and supplements (a combination my doctors and I worked up that contains multivitamins, omega3, chromium, a "vegetable in a pill", a protein and fiber drink supplement, and something we call the "Green Drink" which is a mix of many different kinds of leaves and other greens), as well as my normal medicine, and began practicing my positive, compassionate self-dialog so that I could be in a more consistent mood when the time came to chat with my old friend.

I've done some introspection and I believe I know the heart of the reason why I keep going through this cycle - something similar to an infant throwing a temper tantrum when he can't get the toy he wants so he's just going to make everyone else miserable. It's a cycle I keep coming back to. I'm a little more frustrated now, because I spent a few years trying to teach myself with the help of groups and books and therapy and such to become more mature on an emotional level. And I can see areas where I have made progress, but, alas these cycles continue.

So, I see my problem as having many inter-linked sources that compound on each other. And I know that to be "cured" I need to continue to work on all of these aspects of my problems, the amount of change needed is overwhelming. Knowing this, in the past, I told myself it's OK to be patient and just take baby steps, work on a little bit at a time, grow a little here, grow a little there, there will be set backs, but eventually the little steps forward on each of the problems will all come together and I'll be better able to react to life in a more normal way. But it's harder to give myself that patience, that willingness, the faith and willpower than in the past.

These down swings that I have are more than I can handle. When I have a bit of an upswing, I seize the opportunity, but the up-swings don't last very long, at most a couple hours.

I think I need to develop a belief in a God, a belief I lost a long time ago as a small child. That's a tough one for me, there is a lot of baggage surrounding the concept of a higher power. When I go through my compassionate self-dialog techniques, I end up where I left off in the previous depression, my basic belief that life sucks, we're alone here in the universe, the economy is the pits, I've lost many things, and for me to get better not only do I have to challenge these beliefs, but I also have to change my diet, medicine, exercise, etc... things I've tried changing from different angles at different paces... I guess I'm just venting out some things.

So, to repeat what I said earlier, I've been avoiding the net a little bit lately, God knows I spend too much time on the net when I should be in the "real world", but also avoiding it because I'm very emotionally vulnerable. I can't keep up with my own mood swings, I feel I can't trust what I say or think anymore, because everything is so darned contradictory.