Moods a little more stable, anxiety up a bit

I've noticed that my moods seem more stable now, my depressions don't go as deep, but my anixiety has been a little high these past 6 days or so, although I haven't had a full blown panic attack in at least a couple weeks.  So, I'm guessing that the lithium is helping at least a little.

I also notice that, while I do seem to sleep a consistant 8-9 hours each day, I'm not able to fall asleep until anywhere from 5am to 9:30am.  So I'm going to start taking melatonin again at night and see if that helps me fall asleep sooner.  As it is right now, I'll try to go to bed between 1 and 2am, but then I get real hungry and impulsively eat and then watch a DVD or two.

I haven't posted much, obviously, mostly because I just simply keep forgetting to.

Something I was just thinking about is how thin my "emotion skin" is.  I'm easily hurt or offended by even the slightest thing.  I asked my therapist a few sessions ago, "how do I thicken my emotional skin?", and he didn't have a good answer, didn't really know how one could be trained to have a thicker skin.  So, at my next group session tomorrow (assuming I can make it), I'll try to pose that question to the group.

Not all bad...

I'm not sure what to write, I know it's been over a week since I've posted. In the past week I've pretty much isolated myself from just about everything. I've been a little depressed, a little anxious, a little afraid, a bit paranoid, but no one thing real bad. Just a big sense of "blah" I guess. Most days not in the mood to talk to anyone, just want to be alone. But I did get out a couple times, to my therapy apointments, group therapy, and this weekend to visit with my Uncle who just moved out here, I've always enjoyed the conversations we have. He's a music teacher, and we're going to try and work out some time that he can teach me some music theory and we can play together.

One of the things that we're discussing in my individual therapy and also with my family is getting me motivated to want to do something. You know, get me in the mood to want to do something with my life. Wether it be music, going back to school, getting back into my karate lessons, whatever. I'm just totally lacking in motivation, and have been for a while. I used to be a very highly motivated person, but nothing "real" interests me much anymore. About the only motivation to do something is the social pressure to do so.

But at least I'm not suicidally depressed like I occasionally was in the past. So that's good. I'm not sure yet if the lithium is having an effect on me or not. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and I expect him to increase the amount of lithium.

Up, down, Up down....

Well, my mood tanked this week, my anxiety went up and my depression got pretty deep, thinking what's the point in life again. Had a lot of running around driving people places this week too, which put more pressure on me and increased my anxiety, it's hard enough for me to drive just once in a while, and some of my family members are having moderately severe medical problems too.

So, I've been mostly withdrawing into my shell, not wanting to talk to anybody. I went to the clinic today. Looking at my finances, I was going to cut down on my appointments, but they gave me a big pep talk and told me I could schedule as many appointments as I need and just pay what I can. Finances are a big worry and source of guilt for me, but they made sure I felt welcomed there and not to worry about it. I was there to see my therapist, and while there I pulled my psychiatrist aside and told him I'd like to start lithium treatment, rather than wait until my next appointment with him in a week and a half, he agreed to see me for a couple minutes and get me the script to start on lithium and also the script for the one-week follow up blood test.

So, I'm feeling a little more optimistic and outgoing, which is good, since I was withdrawing to the point of suicidal thoughts. But who knows how things will be tomorrow? Hard to predict how I'll feel.

I talked for a while with the pharmacist, he said I should notice a significant difference in about 2 days after starting lithium, but from experience, I know not to get my hopes up.