Below is the workbook I am curently using, it's a great workbook, and I recommend getting the accompanying book, Facing Codependence, from the same authors.

Want to cheer me up? You can buy me something off of my My Amazon.com Wish List.
What a shameless plug, eh?

I've always had a fear of abandonment. Whether it be with friends, family, girlfriends, whatever, I was always afraid they would abandon me, and so I could never truly feel love. When my dad and I would get in arguments about money or priorities, I thought he would write me off for good as a loser son who's nothing more than a sponge. But he was still always there to help pick me up in the end. I just didn't get it.

When I got in arguments with my mom and stepfather, and all the times I wouldn't call them for months on end, I thought they would write me off. But they were always there when it counted. And the worse my predicament, the more they went out of their way to help. I just didn't get it.

When I got out on my own, I was convinced that my brother would disassociate from me because of all the times I would come home and beat him up and tell him I hated him. But he's still here, and wants to spend time with me. A couple people even told me over the years that he looked up to me. I didn't believe it. I didn't get it.

When my friends would jokingly call me a lamer, I thought they really meant it, and they didn't want me around. But for many years they always did include me and have a good time. I just didn't get it.

When I was in my band(s), I was convinced my bass playing sucked almost worse than my signing, and that eventually people would realize it and tell me I'm a fraud and to get out. But they didn't, in fact they almost worshipped me, and even sometimes, in tears, told me that my playing moved them. I just didn't get it.

When I was having my panic attacks and starting to come to grips with my codependency, I was sure my girlfriend would leave me, and never talk to me again and be glad to be rid of me. But for years she stuck by me, and expressed her love, devotion and friendship more times than I can count. Even after we broke up, she was a source of inspiration and encouragement, and was always willing to help, going out of her way for me, or just being there for a long talk. I just didn't get it.

When my girlfriend's family got over the initial shock of her running off to be with some guy in Germany many years younger than her, I was sure they would start giving me the cold shoulder in the hopes that their daughter would get over me. But they didn't, instead they went out of their way to include me in their family and tell me they loved me. I didn't get it. And after we broke up, I was absolutely sure they thought I was a certified pond scum loser. But they didn't, instead they still included me, invited me over, and told me how great they thought I was. I wasn't getting it.

When I thought I had come to my end and decided that the last best chance I had in life was to take a leap of faith and head out to California seeking a cure, I was sure everyone would think I was a lazy bum and tell me to shut up and get a job. But everyone was right there supporting me and encouraging me. I just didn't get it.

After I got to California, I was convinced that my cousin and cousin-in-law would think I was a lazy sponge and that I better go get a high paying job and get my own place before they told me I was a loser and get out. But they never once brought up the issue of money or anything. They just supported me, talked to me, and encouraged me to do what I needed to do to help myself. I just didn't get it.

Yesterday I had the second worst panic attack I've ever had, lying in a fetal position, so scared I couldn't even talk. I started to hate myself because my cousin really needed my help to clean the house before the mortgage appraiser came in a couple days to appraise the house. I waited for the guilt, I waited for her to say how horrible it was that she has to do all this work herself because I can't help her. But she didn't. Instead she spent time with me, and helped me get over the attack. After the worst of it was over, I decided to do something that someone suggested I should do a long time ago: go jump in a mud puddle. And I did. It felt great. And then I waited for her and my aunt to tell me what a mess I made or how nuts I was. But they just smiled and didn't say much. And I still didn't get it.

This morning I woke up, and my panic immediately set in. I knew I was headed for a serious attack. I didn't want to call anybody and waste anyone's time to help me through it. I still didn't get it. Again, I waited for the guilt that I wasn't helping cleaning the house. I wanted to clean the house before my cousin got home, but I was in such a panic I decided instead that I needed to take some medication, wait for it to kick in, and that after she got home I would help her do it together because I was to scared to even do dishes by myself.

My cousin came home, and we did a good job cleaning the place up, cleaning the yard after the bad storm we had, we worked until we were exhausted. But still I waited to hear that we didn't do a good enough job, or we didn't get enough done. But instead she was content, without actually saying it I could see it that she was content to say we did our best and our best is good enough. I was almost there but I still hadn't gotten it.

Then we went out, got some McDonalds and I rented a movie, and after the movie we talked. For hours. About our experiences with the years of panic attacks and all that goes with it.

And then all of the above hit me. It hit me like a nice warm fuzzy kitten. I got it. You're all still here, every one of you. You always have been. You always will be.

Anytime up until this moment, whenever I got good news, or someone would compliment me, or include me in the reindeer games or tell me they loved me, a voice inside me would say, "Don't trust them, when the going gets rough they'll drop you like yesterday's trash. Give them enough time and they'll betray you." That voice has been with me for as long as I can remember, never been a moment without it. That "voice" was always echoing in my head and in my heart. I never let another person's love all the way in. I would let it in a little, and put up a wall saying "That's as far as I'll let you in, so when you betray me, you can only hurt me that far."

And some of you, in fact all of you I think, tried very long and hard to convince me otherwise, but I never got it.

For the first time in my life, that "voice" is silent. I can feel the love. I don't know how to express how joyous this feeling is, I feel it right down into my bones. You've all been there for me for a long time, long after I thought you would tell me to never talk to you again because I was just some crazy mentally screwed up ugly unsociable bastard. And you know what, I get it now. This is one of the biggest growth changes I've felt in a long time, and it feels so good, I'm happy and I'm smiling and I want to thank you all. You've all been there for me, and I appreciate it and I want to share with you this good feeling I have. Thanks again everybody.

O.K., now I feel like I'm going to cry! Ugh….. Us guy's aren't supposed to talk about this kind of thing, and especially not cry, but you know what? Too bad! Because I'm loving every minute of it.

For the first time I can honestly say I'm hopeful for my recovery. I have an absolutely wonderful support group in all of you. I feel now that as I take my next steps in my recovery, you'll all be there with me, inside of me, holding my hand to keep from falling off.

And I feel it's ok to be me.

That "voice" is silent. And what golden silence.

With love and sincerity,

Dave