Everything is a choice.

A very good friend of mine told me this story about a realization she had, and I asked if I could share it with my readers, because I thought it was very inspirational.

I was laying in bed one night, and I started thinking about my choices, what
I was going to do with my life, what I'm doing now, that kind of thing.

So then I started really thinking about choices, how there are some things
that are a choice and some that are kind of thrust upon me... but I wasn't
really happy about that. Something didn't seem right.

So I really examined all the decisions... and I noticed that at every turn I
had a choice, and I made a decision from those choices... and from there it
really expanded... every decision, every movement, every emotion, every
mood, every click of the keyboard is a choice. Every aspect of my life is a
choice, and I'm the one making all of the decisions. Granted, I may not
like the choices I'm given, but no matter what, it's my choice. I have
complete control over what I do. And more important, how I feel and how I
react in every situation. Wow.

And the more I think about it, and the more I remind myself of these facts
and ideas throughout the day, the better I feel and the more centered I am.
It's really amazing... and before I get mad or before I react in a
"predicable" way to a situation, I remind myself... Everything is a Choice.
And I feel better about the choice I make.

Letting Go

Link:Constructive Love: Letting Go

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect
their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings,
and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and
cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

MayoClinic: a story

I found this story at the Mayo Clinic web site about a woman who suffered from panic attacks for years, and after many years of different medicines and research, was finally able to return to her life of mountain climbing, driving alone, and having a career.
MayoClinic: Margie Wherritt: Coping with panic disorder

The psychiatrist prescribed imipramine (Tofranil), one of an older class of antidepressants called tricyclics frequently used during the 1980s, and Xanax. Wherritt took these medicines for just over a year. The regimen worked, first reducing and then eliminating the panic attacks. She also underwent cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a form of psychotherapy that focuses on a person's conscious thoughts or behaviors and that has proved effective in panic disorder.

Each day is a struggle

I know I haven't been posting as often as I usually do, each day has been a struggle for me. I still wake up to major panic attacks, usually level 9, and it still takes me hours to calm myself down. Once I do get active, I start to feel better and the anxiety goes down to around level 3-5.

Saturday I had a great day, I went to see a demonstration of a space plane, my cousin-in-law drove me out to Mojave to see the demonstration. It was difficult for me to get out of bed and make the effort to go, but the excitement of seeing the demonstration distracted me from my anxiety enough to enjoy it and take some great pictures.

So, my current coping strategy is to gradually calm myself down to the point where I can become active doing something, like doing chores around the house, usually around the time my cousin comes home from work, which makes me feel safer.

What I should be doing is each morning on waking I should listen to my relaxation tape, take a shower, and then immediately become immersed in some activity to distract myself. At least that's what I would tell someone in my situation. Unfortunately, it's much easier said than done, I am unable to listen to my relaxation tape because I am in too much of a panic that I don't feel safe with my ears covered by headphones, so instead I spend hours using cognitive thought restructuring techniques to combat each negative, anxious thought, and gradually introduce positive thoughts.

Scary mornings, fear of being beaten

Well, as those of you who have been following my posts know that I've had panic-filled mornings. This morning I became more aware of the specific fear I have been having each morning. I wake up scared that someone is going to beat me or physically punish me. It's not paranoia; that is, I'm not afraid that someone is going to break into the house and hurt me, it's more like a memory of an emotion.

The panic keeps me hiding under the covers for hours, or hiding in a corner of my room, cowering in fear.

I can't tie these feelings to a specific event or events in my past. There were many times in elementary school and junior high where I was very scared to go to school because the bullies at school would often beat me up or tease me, and my mom would often spank us with a paddle, but I don't remember any events of severe physical abuse. I don't know if I'm repressing a memory and just the emotions are surfacing, or if I am over-exaggerating something from my past, or if I'm making this all up in my head. I plan on speaking about this issue in my group therapy session tonight.

What really bothers me also is that I know what to do to overcome these feelings. I have the coping skills, I can write my feelings in my journal, use my relaxation tape, call someone for reassurance, use cognitive thought-replacement strategies, get some exercise, or do some activity to distract myself. But it usually takes about six hours for me to summon up the courage to use any of these skills, I am so frightened that I am unable to reach out for the help I need, whether it be reaching out to someone else or just simply using the skills that I know so well and have used in the past. It makes me feel quite the failure when I can help other people through these types of problems, but I am at times unable to take my own advice.

It's easy to jump to the conclusion that I was physically abused at some time in the past and repressed these memories, and now the feelings are coming out. But I'm not so sure of that, I've spent a lot of time unraveling my childhood, writing out my experiences and coming to terms with them, I'm pretty sure I already have all the bases covered from my childhood now. But who can say for sure?

Taking each day one at a time...

Lately I'm just taking each day one at a time, trying to give myself some patience. I have at least a few more weeks before I hit the effective dosage of my Imipramine. I want very bad to call the doctor and see if we can increase the dosage faster, but I can understand why he wants to do it gradually, he's afraid my blood pressure will drop dramatically if my body doesn't gradually get used to it.

So, each day I just deal with the anxiety, and gradually as the day goes on I gather up the courage to use my coping skills and slowly become more active.

I haven't been doing much of my homework, I haven't been very motivated lately, but I think the motivation will return in the next few days, then I can start posting some more progress. The next step in my homework is to deal with anger management and resentment issues, ought to be pretty interesting.

Finally!

Well, my mornings are still filled with panic. As I awake, I usually awake from a nightmare, and this sets off the panic. As the morning goes on, I find myself having to defeat one catastrophic thought after another, while I shake in fear. This usually lasts for hours. And what bothers me most during these times is that I know what to do to get out of them, I need to listen to my relaxation tape, take a shower, take a walk, do some strength exercises, and get focused on doing some work around the house. But usually it takes me hours to get to the point where I can actually do it. It's almost like I fear using my coping mechanisms. I can't quite figure that one out. Today I woke up at 8am, but it wasn't until 3pm that I was able to use my relaxation tape, shower, and go for a walk, and of course, now I feel much better. The anxiety and panic is not completely gone, but at least it's no longer consuming me.

I feel a lot of guilt about my disability. It makes me feel very inadequate to not be able to do the most simple, normal, everyday things that most people take for granted, and I feel guilty that I can't make a greater contribution to my family, whether it be financially or just helping out in general.

But, I'll make it. I'll make the effort every day, and some time, eventually, the good days will out number the bad ones.

Getting back in the saddle...

I'm starting to get back in the saddle after plunging into depression, this morning I got up, went for a walk, and got out my exercise band that's been hiding away for the past year, and started using it. Man, am I out of shape, it hurt! hehehe, but it also felt great! I can't believe it, but I'm starting to get to the point where I can exercise for exercise's sake, whereas before I could never exercise just to exercise, I could only do it in the form of walking or biking where I would have a destination and another reason to do it, but now I'm getting to the point where I can do it just for the benefit to my body and my emotional well-being. I just ordered some exercise tapes too.

I'm also feeling the need to get out and get some friends to hang out with, but I don't know where to start! Since I'm not working, and I'm new to the area, and I'm not part of any clubs or anything, it's really hard to make friends, not to mention with the way my anxiety makes it hard to be out-going. I miss my friends from back home, and I'm sure they miss me, but we don't keep in touch very often. It's kind of tough to hang out with your old friends when you live on separate sides of the country.

Panic filled mornings...

Each morning lately I've woken up to serious panic attacks that last for hours. This morning, I fought the urge to stay in my room and went for a walk at 8am, but for the first time, the walk was very scary, I was frightened to be out of the house, my knuckles were white... I wasn't scared of anything specific, I was just terrified of everything, even though I was walking the same path I normally walked.

I came home and closed myself in my room until early afternoon, when I forced myself to go to my therapy session, which I almost canceled due to the severe panic I was feeling. But sometimes the best thing to do is to do the opposite of what the anxiety wants to do, so I left a little early, and forced myself to spend a few moments in the park across the street from the clinic, and then I ended up having a pretty good session with my therapist. In the next month, we are going to have an hour and a half long session trying out some relaxation techniques.

After I came home, I forced myself to relax in front of the TV with my cousin and take a shower, and I vowed that I wouldn't return to my room until it was time for bed. I'm glad I did, I now feel a lot better having stayed out of my shell successfully all afternoon and evening. Lately all I want to do is to hide in my shell, but I've got to break out of it and stay out as long as I can if I want to make any more progress.

Working through past issues...

I'm currently working through some issues from my recent past, some things that happened in the past year or so that still cause me a lot of emotional distress. I had some nightmares last night that brought up these issues, and it's like I'm re-living those experiences. Almost like post-traumatic-stress.

I'm dealing with them by writing out my feelings in my journal, how I reacted to them now and how I still react to those issues today. I'm following that up by working through my Facing Codependence workbook. I'm at the point in the workbook where I start to point out my extreme, all-or-nothing thinking or reacting to situations. Like when I am in a relationship with a woman, and she criticizes me on something, I react as if the relationship is now over and done with and I'm a complete failure. I need to learn how to react to things in a moderate, compromising way, and to not always assume the worst.

Hope

Poem by Ramona S. posted at the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety forum
This poem rings so true for me, and I thank Ramona for posting it in the forum in response to a post that I was losing hope for my recovery.

Hope
I have lived many, many years in this valley.
This dark, sad and sometimes scary valley.
Clouds hang over this valley.
Dark sometimes ominous clouds.
At times I would look up to the mountains
that surrounded this valley.
I would wish and hope to see one day what was
on the other side.
There must be something better, someplace brighter
on the other side.
But living in this valley has made me very, very weak
and very, very tired.
I have even grown tired of looking up to the mountains.

But one day a ray of light caught my eye
on the top of one mountain.
I looked up and someone appeared.
and then another and another.
They extended their hands toward me.
They said that they themselves had climbed out
of that same dark valley
and they had come to help me out as well.
They smiled. Their faces bright.
They looked like angels
and a bright sun shone behind them.
I decide I have to try!

I take a step up and falter
I take another step. I fall and cry.
But they smile and let me know it's all right.
They had done the same and yet still had made it.
I take another step, then another.
I'm climbing! I feel afraid and I slip.
I fall again.
I look back. It looks safer down there in that dark valley.
But then I look up and I know that there is where I want to be.
Where I need to be and where I was meant to be.
I am able to focus now. One step at a time.
My confidence growing.
I am beginning to like this journey.
Beginning to see my destiny and the purpose of this journey.
After each step and each fall I feel stronger and wiser.
I know now that I can make it.
That I will make it.
I look up and I thank those encouraging compassionate people.
I look higher and thank the Lord for sending those people
and I thank Him for the hope, the strength and the wisdom that moves me onward and higher.
-Ramona S.

Downhill day

Well, the day started off pretty rough, my anxiety was really high, I was very scared just to get out of bed. Eventually I did though. I spent some time with my cousin researching what medicines are left that I haven't tried already before going to see my psychiatrist. We settled on adding Imipramine and giving up on SSRIs. My cousin tried Imipramine before and she said it made her really manic and totally got rid of her anxiety, almost to the point of not even having any healthy fear. The doctor is starting me out at a low dosage, increasing it every week for the next 3-6 weeks as we gradually approach an effective dosage. He cautions me to watch my blood pressure, and this drug may give me tremors or dizziness as well, I'm hoping it's not nearly as bad as the Geodon was.

As far as my stomach aches are going, they are getting better, and I spoke at length with the R.N. about them, we decided it's probably due to the combination of stress and coming off the Geodon, but if they don't improve more over the next week I'll need to see my primary care physician.

I've been battling the depression by keeping a focused image of myself getting better and having a cushy job with a nice income, instead of the depressing image of being hopeless without a cure. I've also been trying to stay busy. Another technique I used is jumping into the cold pool for a little shock to my system, doing things like that help to knock me out of a down mood.

I've also just started taking some supposedly great vitamins, a combination of a multi-vitamin, an Omega-3 supplement, and a "Vegetable mix in a pill" kind of supplement. Hopefully that will boost my immune system.

As I get better, I'll start taking more frequent walks again, as I'm able to stray farther from the bathroom ;-) Walks are important. I'm kind of sad that I haven't walked much this past week, because I was starting to lose a few pounds with all the walking.

Also as I get better I'm going to start finishing off some more of my books and post some of the interesting information I'm finding.

Lastly, thanks to everyone who has written me with their encouragement, it's all really appreciated!

Things are starting to look up

Well, I'm starting to bring myself back up and dust myself offf from the depression. It wasn't easy, I used a lot of positive visualization techniques while at the same time keeping as busy as I could without getting my stomach more upset.

Once again there's light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm going to keep that light lit.

Traumatic weekend

Yesterday I hit bottom really hard. I had my family take me to a mental hospital because I didn't feel in control of myself. But in the end, the admitting nurse said that there's no reason for me to be there, it would just cost a thousand bucks a day and add a financial worry to my depression, so he told me to just have faith in God and have faith that I'll find the right medicine, that sometimes it takes going through 15 different medicines before you find one that's dialed in just for you. He knew my doctor and had a lot of faith in him, and he said he would pray for me.

So, I cam home feeling a little less depressed, but I'm still sick as a dog feeling nauseous with diarrhea and all that, so sick that I've been spending most of my days sleeping to avoid the pain. I wish I could stray away from the bathroom long enough to go out and get some exercise, but that will have to wait.

I'll make it, I've just had a setback, and I'm starting to gain some faith again that eventually I will find a cure.

Depression is back....

Well, I'm back into major depression. Ugh! Seems like I'm losing any hope for my recovery, I'm having thoughts like, will it ever get better? How long is this going to last? Just so many doubts, and I'm still feeling pretty sick so that doesn't help. I just keep telling myself that this is a temporary shift in attitude as my brain chemistry re-adjusts itself from coming off of the Geodon.

I'm trying to find out more information about Geodon, specifically related to withdrawal symptoms, but there seems to be a definite lack of this information on the web so far. It's a fairly new drug, and there's not even much note of it on Pfizer's website. (actually I worked at Pfizer and remember when they launched the medicine in 2001). Perhaps since it's so new not enough information has been accumulated yet. I'm going to try calling Pfizer's consumer hotline when it opens again on Monday to see what they can tell me. I meet with my psychiatrist again on Tuesday and I'll discuss these issues with him. I'm also going to bring my cousin along with me to the psychiatrist so she can provide her point of view on how I've been responding to treatment.

Been sicker than a dog....

I didn't post yesterday, and wasn't even going to post today because I've been sicker than a dog. Too many days of high anxiety with little to no sleep, and what sleep I do get is filled with nightmares that it's all catching up to me and making me really sick, so I've been trying really hard to get some good quality sleep and eat a little healthier to boost my immune system.

It's really tough, being sick makes me depressed, which is natural. My anxiety is at level 8 right now. But there's still a part of me that's really proud of myself and my accomplishments, and I'll make it through this. I have to say that because there's a part of me that's sick of being sick and sick of fighting to be "normal" and just wants it to be done. But I'm tough, I've made it through worse than this, and someday I'll be able to kiss my anxiety good bye.

Success!

I'm finally off of the Geodon! hooray! I already feel better. Gone will be the dizziness, muscle cramping, trembling hands, etc.

Here's what basically happened. This morning I got a call back from the R.N. at the clinic I go to, and she first wanted me to just lower my dosage, and then up it again later, but I told her, no, this medication is a barrier to my life, and I see no reason to be on it. She then asked me if I hear voices. So I had to go into a long explanation that no, I don't hear voices, I have an anxiety disorder, and because of that, I have a problem with negative inner dialog, that when I first met with my psychiatrist I told him they are like voices, but they are definitely not auditory hallucinations.

So I spent most of the day trying to convince them that I'm not schizophrenic and that this medication is causing so much harm and not even a little bit of good, that they finally gave me the O.K. to stop the Geodon cold turkey.

It really bothers me that my psychiatrist and my therapist, who work at the same clinic, can disagree on my diagnosis, so my therapist said that there's a test I can take that will provide objective proof that I'm not schizophrenic, but it may or may not cost money to take the test, I'll find out on Thursday when I go to the clinic.

You see, the whole thing started when I was explaining to the psychiatrist what my anxiety is like, and there was miscommunication that I didn't realize until recently, and he secretly decided I'm borderline Schizo-affective, so he referred me to another psychologist (who is different from my therapist) working at the same clinic who is running a study comparing the effects of Geodon versus Zyprexa. So I joined the study, with the hopes that this medication would help me, and also because by being on a study I get the medicine for free. I spent the next two months with nothing but side effects, and kept hearing over and over again that the side effects will go away in time and everything will be better, I kept hearing the R.N. say "Just hold on for two more weeks and it will be better".

So I finally took responsibility for my health and put an end to it. They are going to keep me on the study without the medication to track my progress, and since I'm still on the study there's an outside chance I can take this test for schizophrenia for free. The test is something I want to take, because I feel it is critical that my psychiatrist, my therapist, and other health care providers agree on a diagnosis so we can all work towards the same goal.

All that being said, now that I am feeling better, tomorrow morning I am going to put in an application for part-time work at the drug store down on the corner so I can take a nice healthy walk to work, and get my feet wet and see how I do with a job. I've been unemployed for 11 months now, so I want to kind of ease my way back into the job market and still give myself room to work on my recovery. It's real tough, because I was making over sixty grand a year before this whole crisis started, and now I am one hundred percent dependent on my family for my financial well-being. Wish me luck!

Successfully dealing with stress and frustration and anger....

Well as you can see from the venting session below, today wasn't the greatest, I had a few other minor frustrations and stressors, and to top it all off I am now in the middle of recovering from having accidentally deleted all my Internet favorites and a bunch of other data on my computer, in the past all of this would have sent me into rage.

But I'm dealing with it pretty darn good. I'm able to step back now and see exactly what I'm angry about, and I'm able to put whatever it is into the big picture and chalk it up as a learning experience, and use one of my relaxation tapes or a walk to get rid of the energy associated with being frustrated. Tomorrow will be a much better day, once I get to sleep, that is.

Venting session....

I didn't get to sleep until 5am this morning, and woke up to feeling groggy and very dizzy. So I took my own advice and tried going for a walk and enjoying the scenery but my muscles just cramped right up. I walked all the way to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription, and made it back, but barely, I had to keep stopping and taking a break for my cramped muscles in my right leg. Always my right leg, it's due to the Geodon I'm taking. It got so bad that I had to sleep when I got back and slept until like 5pm, after which most of it went away, so I tried walking again and could only get one block away from the house. Ugh. So I've been calling my doctor to get me off of this horrible medicine, since I'm not seeing any benefit whatsoever, just side effects. And they want me to wait until morning so the R.N. can call me and talk to me about it, she'll probably keep saying the same thing they've said for two months, that the side effects will go away and I'll start feeling better. Well, too bad for them, I've waited long enough. I had a lot of hopes for this medicine, and I had a good attitude about it for these two months, giving my faith to the doctor, but now my faith has grown thin.

Excericise that feeling away.....

I took a great 45 minute walk today, jamming to my MP3s, and boy did that make me feel better, so I came home and did some of my inner child homework, and called some of my friends and family. It's amazing how getting enough exercise can really brighten my mood up, because before I went I was dizzy and depressed. I had to push myself a little bit to get through the muscle cramping side effects of my meds, but I found a neat trick for that, if I ignore my legs and focus on my surroundings, looking at the clouds or the trees and such, I don't really notice my leg cramping up and I feel much better.

Been getting depressed again...

I've been getting depressed these past couple days, mostly because I'm experiencing the dizziness side-effects of my medicine, which prevent me from doing anything that I want or need to do. I'm trying to bolster myself up by reminding myself that this is just a "necessary evil" and that it will pass in time, and that I've accomplished a lot recently and I should set my expectations to realistic levels.

At least the dizziness associated with this latest medication increase isn't as bad as it was the last time, the doctor told me the side-effects, unlike most medicines, actually decrease with an increase in dosage, so far that seems to be true, and I should be totally past this in two weeks. I can't wait until it's over and I start reaping some of the positive effects of this medicine, which I really haven't seen any of, but it takes time, and when I see my psychiatrist again in a week and a half hopefully I'll have a better understanding of just what this medication is doing for me. At that time I'm also going to make my case again in a more "academic" style that I'm not schizo-affective, he still thinks I'm borderline schizo-affective and I disagree. The major criteria for Schizo-Affective disorder is delusions and hallucinations, such as hearing voices or seeing green men running around, and being convinced that the hallucinations are reality. The only reason I can think of that he may think I'm schizo-affective is 1) that my anxiety makes me appear paranoid, and 2) I often refer to my negative inner dialog as "voices", which I really shouldn't do, so I will have to make sure to clarify that to him.

Just updated the Fight-Or-Flight guide

Just a note to say that I updated the guide to the Fight-Or-Flight response to add some new information from a great book that I recommend reading, Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers: An Updated Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Coping by Dr. Robert M. Sapolsky. This book was recommended to me by my therapist and I've had a hard time putting it down, it's a great read with some comedy thrown in, and thoroughly explains the body's reaction to stress and the effects of prolonged exposure to stress.

Added Medication Side-Effects Coping Page

I just added a page that lists some coping strategies for dealing with the side-efffects of the medications I'm on and have been on in the past. You can find the link in the guides section to the left.

Exciting day!

Today was a real exciting day for me, my anxiety was all excitement-based. First, I was all excited about getting a replacement video card for my laptop to fix a lot of the problems I was having for some time now, finally they are fixed and my laptop is more stable! So I had the excitement of a little kid getting a new toy. This excitement built up into anxiety. So, I finally grabbed my relaxation tape, and for the first time, I could really envision what the narrator was saying, and really feel relaxed, much more so than I have been able to in the past. That's real improvement! I'm so happy that I'm responding better to the relaxation tapes that I have, they are a great tool. And I'm also getting better at using proper breathing techniques to help calm myself down.

I was feeling so good about this I even made a special chicken dinner for the family, I used to be a real good cook, but I stopped doing any serious cooking a couple years ago when my anxiety and depression started getting bad. Another good sign!

Tonight, I attended a group therapy session put on by the clinic I go to, and it was real interesting, got to meet some very interesting people and had a really long conversation with one of them that I share a lot in common with. Group therapy is great for me, it helps me to realize I'm not the only one out there with these same struggles, and also gives me a chance to help other people see different points of view on their problem, and that helps me in return. It's not all easy, my anxiety makes it difficult for me to attend the sessions because my hands are always trembling when I talk to people, and my anxiety wants me to just run out of the room, but I, myself, know that it's just my anxiety doing these things so I am able to put it aside for the greater good of my well-being.

Also, I'm going back once again to John Bradshaw's Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing and Championing Your Inner Child to work on my emotional maturity issues that I described in an earlier post. Between that and my workbook Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence, I think I'll have some great success. I find myself having a lot more insight into my problems as I go through these books and others and speak with other people about my problems, that makes me excited too.

The Basal Ganglia System

BrainPlace.com
Here is an intersting site that provides information on how the brain works.

Anxiety provoking situations also cause many people with overactive basal ganglia to become frozen with fear unable to leave their homes. Agoraphobia (fear of being in public) occurs when people fear having panic attacks and become so frozen, that they can’t even leave their own homes. The fear keeps them frozen. I have treated many people who have been housebound for years (one lady for 40 years) because of fear of having a panic attack. She could not look past her disability, but became frozen by fear.

Emotional Immaturity

I believe that my emotional maturity was arrested at the age of 5. That was when my original parents divorced, began fighting a lot, and my dad told me that it's now my job to take care of my mom and my 2 year old brother.

According to the great psychologist Erikson, that is the initiative vs. guilt stage, where children develop the ability to try new things and learn how to handle failure. To quote from "Human Development: A Lifespan View" by Robert V. Kail and John C. Cavanaugh, "Most parents have their 3- and 4-year-olds take some responsibility for themselves (by dressing themselves, for example). Youngsters also begin to identify with adults and their parents; they begin to understand the opportunities that are available in their culture. Play begins to have purpose as children explore adult roles, such as mother, father, teacher, athlete, or psychology editor. Youngsters start to explore the environment on their own, ask many questions about the world, and imagine possibilities for themselves.

This initiative is moderated by guilt as children realize that their initiative may place them in conflict with others; they cannot pursue their ambitions with abandon. Purpose is achieved with a balance between individual initiative and a willingness to cooperate with others."

This would explain the core of my codependency, at least where it started from.

Allow me to take this a little further into my current days.

I normally wake up with the attitude "Mommy, I don't want to go to school!" This brings up frustration about having to get up and start being productive, which I try to quell this emotional frustration by smoking or eating. But since I am unable to identify accurately the source of this frustration, this leads to my normal morning pacing routine and high anxiety.

Eventually later in the morning I'll get over this, and I'll get motivated to be productive. For example, I'll take a shower and take care of a few chores. This usually brings me a sense of accomplishment, but again, since I don't accurately recognize what this emotion is, I label it as anxiety, down another Xanax, and smoke some more.

Then I'll pace some more since I can't figure out why I feel this way, and I'll become depressed and tired.

Eventually, I'll feel guilty that I'm not doing my part in taking care of my responsibilities.

Later in the day, as that emotion passes and perhaps I have taken a nap, I'll be motivated to get some exercise, for example, take a long walk or a bike ride. This will make me feel much better, actually excited. But again since I don't accurately recognize this emotion, it troubles me and I label this excitement as more anxiety and try to repress the feeling.

When it comes time for my cousin and her husband to come home, I'll start getting nervous about dinner, because I'm not sure if I'll make the right dinner, or if it's my turn to make dinner, or if I've done enough chores around the house, or if I should just hang out with them, and this usually spirals into a minor anxiety attack, so I usually make myself scarce around this time. But at the same time I'm usually bursting at the seems wanting to tell them about my day, so a conflict arises - are children to be seen, and not heard, or not seen at all? I think I learned that as a child.

As the day starts to close to an end, I wait for my cousin and her husband to fall asleep, at that time I feel "safe" enough to start working on my website and go deeper into my recovery using whatever tool I feel is appropriate for that day. I get productive at this point, experience some excitement, and again I label it as anxiety and try to smoke and repress the feeling; once again I am not correctly identifying my emotion. This excitement keeps me up for hours, but I usually also feel guilt that I haven't accomplished enough during the day and that I can't go to sleep until I accomplish more.

I'd also like to bring up the issue of my hygiene in this context; that is we could perceive it that I am still at the stage where I should be learning that it's OK to dress myself and take care of my hygiene instead of my parents doing it for me.

This would also explain what I call my "Dark Side". Which is the part of me that has bottled-up depression and frustration, and which has four key components: Scary Thoughts, Scary Fantasies, Scary Compulsions, and Rage.

The Scary Thoughts would be normal for a child of 5, as evidenced by my over-reaction to watching a scary movie.

The Scary Fantasies would be normal for a child of 5, as he has grand visions of becoming the president or an astronaut, but after more than 20 years of repressed emotions, is now evidenced in my rare fantasies as myself being a fallen angel.

The Scary Compulsions would be normal for a child of 5, as he is learning guilt and that his actions have consequences, but again in my much older body, I have scary compulsions to drive my car into oncoming traffic for example. (let me pause here to not that this compulsion is really "what if?" thinking, and a very very mild compulsion that I would never act upon and I feel guilty when these thoughts pop into my head).

The Rage would be normal for a child of 5, as he throws temper tantrums. At my current biological age and the years of emotional repression and frustration, these temper tantrums result in raging (for example, road rage).

I'm not saying I don't have an anxiety disorder and that this is all just an emotional maturity issue. Rather, that the two are joined at the hip.

Using a Bio-Psycho-Social framework, we can theorize that my anxiety is hereditary, that my internal cognitive thought patterns are distorted by my emotional arrestment, and that my current predicament is further frustrated by the social norm that I should be emotionally mature and able to lead a successful, inter-dependent life.

So all that being said, I'm not sure what the appropriate tool is for reaching emotional maturity, does anyone have any suggestions?

Breaking down prejudices and showing support....

I'm starting to break down some of my prejudices and show some support. What brought up this issue is this: My brother is running his own business, it's a network-marketing internet business selling all kinds of products. He started doing this like a year ago or so, and has been trying to get me and the rest of the family to show our support by joining in and buying from him. Up till this point I never have, because I'm prejudiced against network marketing.

I finally realized a couple of things. First of all, I'm letting my prejudices get in the way of supporting my brother in something that he is being successful and really enjoys doing, and secondly, I'm getting all kinds of support from my family, but I'm not necessarily reciprocating that support.

So, I decided to lay my prejudices aside today, and called my brother today and told him I'd like to sign up and support him in his endeavor.

This is really a big turning point for me, I can tell you it wasn't done on a whim, it actually required some soul-searching. My conscious knows the right thing to do is to show my support for my brother, and I am going to follow the voice of my conscious and my heart and act upon it, rather than acting upon my prejudice regarding network marketing as a whole and allowing that to apply to my beloved brother.

I feel much better now just being able to say I've broken through a wall of prejudice. My family has been growing closer since I've begun my recovery, and I think this is one more block of wood on the fire so to speak.