Below is a copy of an email I sent to my therapist recently. Basically it involves a possible breakthrough in understanding some of the underlying root causes of current emotional problems. To summarize my basic theory, is that my current dysfuntions/disorders were, in essence, created by me long ago as defense mechanisms, a complex set of defense mechanisms that I put into place to prevent me from doing or saying things I might later regret, and that over time these defense mechanisms have spiraled pretty much out of control. This idea is disturbing to me, because acknowledging this possiblity makes me feel as though I'm guilty of creating my situation on purpose and that I may have been subconsciously misleading or otherwise manipulating people, that in a manner of speaking I'm "just making all of this up to get the attention I want". I have considered this possiblity in the past a few times, but was largely unwilling to admit the possibility or really talk about it.
Bill, I just got done writing my private journal entry for today after watching a movie that reminded me of some things.
We talked today (technically yesterday) about underlying philosophical issues that I have been struggling with which now have me in the situation where I no longer desire to "get better".
But I just, actually this isn't by far the first time, after watching this movie, once again uncovered the root cause of my condition. A condition that I believe now that I created, and perhaps isn't caused as much by biochemistry as I sometimes thought. Sure, biochemistry still plays a role, as it always will, but I no longer believe it is the majority of the cause, but the minority of the cause of my condition, the opposite of what I have recently believed.
I think what we need to do is to research ways of constructively releasing the emotions of anger and rage. Look to find what techniques can be effective in allowing me to release the pent-up rage I have been holding onto since I was an infant.
I must admit I am very frightened to talk about this. I always have been. I wasn't going to write this or include my journal entry which is below for fear of negative consequences. But then I remembered that I was able to share my "dark side" journal with you, and it is because of that that I am willing to talk about this now.
Looking back, as you can hopefully see by reading this journal entry, I have created my disorders on purpose to prevent me from ever being able to physically harm anyone.
Friday, October 31, 2003
1:45am. I learned something today as I watched the movie “Equilibrium”. Anger is my problem. I have realized this many times and I have suppressed it many times. “Anger Management” was another movie which brought this issue again to my awareness weeks ago.
My anger was born of betrayal, injustice, disappointment, dissatisfaction and jealousy.
I hypothesize that it is my anger, born of these things, that has driven the course of my entire life. The attempt to kill my brother. The attempt to kill my friend on the playground, these were only lapses in my attempts to control and suppress that anger.
All my life I have fought against that anger. I have, both knowingly and unknowingly, designed my life such that that anger would be constantly unable to emerge into more attempts at killing people. My anger is so severe that I want to let all of the energy, the adrenaline, to be released absolutely, to rage uncontrollably, to continue to let it all out in uncontrolled rage and killing until there is nothing left of it.
But, I know that that is not good. I do know right from wrong. It is not really killing that I want, it is the release of that emotion that I want. I believe, and have believed all of my life, that there is no way for me to fully release that emotion without hurting people, without killing people. So I have set myself up for this “disease” that I have. Through not exercising, eating improperly, smoking, and otherwise preventing me from becoming physically strong and fast, through not training in martial arts or the use of weapons, (well, aside from fencing) by constantly fighting this urge I have set myself up so that if I ever do lose control and the rage is let out, I will be too weak to actually physically hurt anybody.
All my life I have observed and otherwise watched my own emotions and those of others around me, seeking for ways in which other people are able to balance their emotions, so that perhaps I could learn how to release this anger and bring balance to my own emotions.
I know from trial and error that all of the “healthy and constructive” ways of releasing my rage that I am aware of are ineffectual. Whether it be through various forms of exercising or dancing or playing in a heavy metal band or punching at pillows or screaming into pillows or writing it all out, none of these things have actually released any of it. At best, they have only allowed me to temporarily forget about the anger. But not actually release it.
This is what frightens me. This is what causes my treatment-resistant anxiety. This is why I defend my “laziness”, this is why I defend my “flights into fantasy”, this is why I defend my “withdrawal from life”. I harm myself so that the only harm I do to others is that of being withdrawn from them. It is not a perfect system. It has its many flaws, but nonetheless it is the system I have used for lack of being able to come up with a better system.
I am afraid I will never be able to bring balance to my emotions.
So, Bill, I have been systematically trying to "numb" myself.
It is my own anger and rage that scare me to death, and it is my own anger that I am avoiding. I've noticed clues. When I have my absolute worst level ten panic attacks, what do I find myself doing? Shaking, trembling, crying, and repeatedly mumbling "I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to hurt anybody". Over and over again until as the hours go by I begin to get tired and the panic subsides. I think that is a big clue.
When I feel a level ten panic attack coming on, I run to a comfort zone… sometimes, but not always, knowing as I run to a comfort zone, a place where there are no people, where I can avoid contact, it is because I am afraid that I am at risk for losing control of my anger and I know that I must find a place of solitude where I can let time go by until I am too tired to have those feelings anymore.
We've talked about this kind of thing in different ways in the past, but I wish to bring it up again, although as I stated in my journal entry above, I am afraid that we will not be able to come up with a solution that brings balance to my emotions.
Anyway, give yourself time to digest this and think on it, as I will, and feel free to add this to my file if you see fit.
So, anyway, after all of this my therapist and I talked and tossed around some ideas. I told him that sometimes it is easier to describe my problem as if there were two of me fighting against each other, one of me being the "real me" so to speak, a loving, intelligent, caring, compassionate, motivated person, and the "other me" that is fueled by rage and the need for love and acceptance, like a pissed off three year old who is constantly throwing temper tantrums, and the "other me" is constantly trying to sabotage the "real me". Of course, I was quick to point out that this is just an analogy to help describe what it feels like, and that I don't really have multiple personality disorder.
My therapist responded by telling me about a technique used in therapy for people with real multiple personality disorder. That is, after they get the person to realize that they do have more than one personality, they then have the person write letters to the other personality(s), and then when they "switch" to the other personality(s), they reply to that letter, thus creating a dialog between the different personalities, and by so doing eventually begin to integrate the personalities into one whole.
So, we thought why don't I give that a try? Pretend as if I do actually have multiple personalities, write letters to myself, and, if I am successful enough in my acting abilities, I will then begin to break down more of the walls I have built up inside of me and begin a process of maturing, eventually culminating in achieving a balance in my emotional and intellectual maturity. This may be difficult to do, but I'm going to give it a shot, and only time will tell if it is beneficial.
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