Something as simple as having dinner....

Something as simple as having dinner can be so hard... Like today I went out to eat with my dad and brother. I tried so hard to fight the anxiety, I wanted so bad to enjoy the dinner and just chat with them and have a good time, but I ended up spending half the dinner with my head in my hands, depressed, unable to think about anything other than depressing and anxiety thoughts... I tried to think positive, I tried to tell myself, that, hey, right now you have a chance to have a good time, so do it!.

But I couldn't. I tried, but I failed.

This type of thing happens to me ninety percent of the time. I really want to be able to just chit-chat with people, to just hang out, to just have fun, to just relax, but instead, I find myself looking for the shadows to hide in, or the corners, or the exits so I can go out and have a smoke by myself.

This really bothers me. It's tough to develop relationships of any kind with people if you can't just talk. It especially sucks right now, because I really, really do need some friends to hang out with and I need to learn to let go and have a good time.... But it's so much easier said than done!

Another blog

Here's another anxiety focused blog I found on the net called The Panic Life. Check it out, she tells it like it is.

Good, exciting day.

Well, let me see, Thursday night I didn't sleep... Got home late, and had to be up at 4am so we could make it to the off-road race, and since I've been suffering from my insomnia, I just decided to pull an all-nighter. I knew that if I fell asleep, it probably wouldn't happen until like 3:30am, then I'd wake up groggy, agitated, unmotivated. So I just stayed up, spending a lot of time going back and reading through my diary, and writing some more in my diary about how depressed I am, stuff like that. Then we headed off for the race.

It was exciting, so much so that my symptoms of anxiety, depression, panic, and intrusive negative inner dialog were like almost 90% gone at times, pretty much the whole day, which was like totally awesome! I mean, I wasn't like a total fountain of bubbling joy and happiness or anything, I was still pretty quiet and withdrawn, staying mostly off to the side most of the time as usual, like just a fly on the wall, but it's totally awesome that my symptoms were mostly gone and that I could enjoy the excitement! How cool!

I just wish that this kind of thing would work for me all the time.... Some of you may be thinking that all I really need is a job, maybe with a race team, that involves a lot of excitement, and then I'll just be fine. But, unfortunately, I know that's not the cure for me, because I've tried it before. I've worked on a cool race team, I've been in a cool exciting heavy metal band, things like that, but as far as relief of symptoms is concerned, the relief only lasts until the novelty wears off... Sometimes as soon as the next day, sometimes it takes a few days for it to wear off, then I'm back right where I'm usually at, having to call in sick and stay home, hardly able to take care of myself.

It's a good thing my social phobias aren't even close to being as bad as most anxiety sufferers, but I did find myself thinking quite often throughout the day, "What if someone asks me what I do for a living?"

How do I answer a question like that? Usually people want to know what kind of job one has. Do I tell them the truth, that I am unable to work, disabled by a mental illness? When is it appropriate to tell the truth, when should I lie... Scratch that, lying is totally against my nature, but I don't mind stretching or coloring the truth a little bit if the circumstances warrant it. Sometimes I am so ashamed of myself that I'm afraid to be around people who know my family, because I'm afraid they'll think I'm nuts or I'm just a bum sponging off the family or something like that, and if they think that then it may color their opinion of my family.

On the road

This evening I'm leaving for a trip to Las Vegas, I'm going to be driving myself, which should be easier... My anxiety is kind of odd, very different from most people's, in that I feel safer driving myself than when someone else is driving.

Anyway, I'm using this trip as a catalyst to boost my positive self-dialog. Friday, my father and I will take part in an off-road truck race from Las Vegas to Reno, Nevada. We won't be racing ourselves, but we'll be one of the chase vehicles for the trip. It should be very exciting, along the way I'll be in the passenger seat of my dad's truck collecting data and putting it into the laptop. The Race will take most of the day.

It's going to be difficult for my with my anxiety and panic though, because it means waking up very early, and mornings are always my worst times for panic, and secondly, it means I'll more or less be trapped inside a car with someone else driving for a whole day with little chances to stop... That's going to be very tough for me. I know I'll make it, it's just going to be really stressful, but at the same time it will be interesting and exciting.

I'll be traveling during the late evening on the way from Bakersfield to Vegas, and I'm hoping that the timing will be such that when I'm traveling through the southern edge of death valley, the sun will have gone completely down, so that I can stop off the side of the road and see what the stars look like from way out in the middle of nowhere. Looking at the stars usually brightens my mood.

So, you may not see me post again for a few days or so.

Got...To...Think...Positive.... Stay on target, Stay on target!

Man today wasn't any better than yesterday during the day. I'm like getting more and more convinced that I'm going crazy. I'm having a harder time staying in the "real world", feeling very trapped in my own mind, trapped in my depression and anxiety and despair.

I have got to think positive! Every time I let myself get consumed in the black abyss of my depression and negative thinking, I simply reinforce that behavior and end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Eventually, in the early evening, I was able to break through enough of that black abyss to generate some positive thinking. One of the things that has been driving my deep depression is the issues of trust and love... So one of my positive thoughts was to tell myself that yes it is still possible to find a woman that I can love and trust. If I can continue to tell myself things like this, then I can have a fighting chance at getting better. Also, like in my last post, I have to tell myself that no, people aren't going to look at me and think I'm crazy, and I really don't have anything to fear, and that I am very talented and I'll get through this. One of the things we talk about in the forums is not fighting the anxiety, don't turn it into a fight, just let it happen, experience it, and let it pass through you.

What makes it tough for me is that I've got more than just an anxiety disorder, so I'm, in a matter of speaking, having to fight a war on multiple fronts at all times, and any military strategist will tell you that you want to avoid fighting on multiple fronts at all costs. But I don't have much of a choice, so at different times I have to focus on different aspects of my disorder and trying to heal from them while allowing myself to be attacked from other angles. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm very strong and courageous and intelligent and talented and good looking, but I'm still human, so I can't be perfect and be optimistic and with positive attitude as often as I feel I should.

Anyhow, on a totally other note, out of the blue I got an email from a reader who just also happens to have started a blog about his experiences with anxiety and panic called "In The Moment" You may want to check it out, he's just getting started. It was so nice to find someone else doing a blog about experiences with anxiety, I've been looking and looking and this is the first I've found.

Boy, what a rough day! But why?

Man today sucked hard... But why?

Hmm, well, I didn't get to sleep until 5:30am because of my insomnia, which I believe is a side effect of my Wellbutrin, and woke up around 9:30am. (oh, by the way, my Ambien at 10mg isn't doing a darned thing to help me sleep, so I called the clinic and they said they can't authorize an increase in the dosage, so I'll just have to bear with it the best I can). I woke up depressed with anxiety level around 6, then around noon it went up to level 8 for a few hours, I ended up in the fetal position lying on my bed, scared, feeling like I was going crazy, went to level 9, and eventually took a couple half hour naps, then I had to get up, forced myself to get up and face the rest of the day, I had to go pick up my aunt from work, and that was really tough, driving while having level 8 anxiety, my cousin went with me but I drove, but I didn't tell anyone how bad my anxiety was, because I didn't want them telling me not to drive, I wanted to push myself, and show myself that I could do it. It was a long drive due to very heavy traffic, and I feel bad because I was withdrawn, quiet, and didn't say anything pretty much the whole trip, I felt bad that I wasn't having a lively discussion with my cousin, wishing that I didn't feel bad with the anxiety and depression so I could just kick back and chit-chat.

After I got home, I jumped in the pool and took my medicine, this helped knock my level down to like level 6, and then I ate dinner and it went down another notch.

But I was wondering why today seemed so bad. Last night, during my insomnia, I was actually having a good time, I was watching the movie "Queen of Darkness" DVD on my laptop while emailing back and forth with the pleasant man who runs www.coloradopsycho.com about anxiety issues, his website is pretty good, he keeps a web log and has a bunch of pages that mostly deal with the current problems in the area of mental health care and the stigma attached to people with mental issues. I was also having a good time posting on some of the anxiety forums, mostly the Midwest Center forum at www.stresscenter.com, getting good advice from people and also getting some good feedback and encouragement.

These things elevated my mood, but today I was stuck in deep depression and anxiety. I know that some of it had to do with the fact that my cousin-in-law's boss was over for the day and they were working on putting together some stuff for a big work meeting they are having here at the house tomorrow and the next day, so I think it made me nervous having a stranger in the house, I think I felt afraid to be seen by him because I didn't want him to see the anxiety and depression in my eyes and think I'm crazy and this in turn make him have a lower impression of my cousin-in-law. I know that's all just stinking thinking as they say, but that's all I can come up with that might have provoked my bad day. Unless I had some really bad dreams, with my insomnia problems I'm having trouble with my normally very good ability to recall my dreams quite vividly.

Anyway, and this is embarrassing to post this to the public, but I can't remember when I last took a shower. Probably a week ago... My anxiety has just been too high to fight my phobia of taking a shower. Tomorrow, I have got to take a shower, and I'm going to try and force myself to not stay in my room all day and avoid the people that will be visiting. I need to relax about my fears, because the truth is I'm not going to be hurt, no one is going to think I'm crazy, and everything will be just fine.

Thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts

Well, I've been obsessively thinking about my future, or what I perceive to be a lack of a future.... obsessively thinking about my financial debt, my burden to my family, the idea that I'll never get a woman to marry me if she finds out I have an emotional disorder, whether I'll really be able to get a job and be financially independent again, and whether I'll ever find a medicine that will allow me to be happy most days.

It seems like, for the past couple days, I will have about one and a half hours where I feel kind of good, usually as a result of my thinking that I'm helping other people out with similar emotional disorders by chatting with them in forums and such, that if nothing else, I am doing something productive.

I've been extremely withdrawn and quiet for a while, I've been doing less of my share of chores around the house because I've been in such mental chaos... depression creating panic attacks in turn creating depression, the vicious cycle. It's getting harder and harder for me to snap myself out of this cycle, which really upsets me, because having so much experience with this disorder, and having the will power and intelligence and compassion that I have, I should be able to stop this cycle before it even happens. I know how to identify the warning signs, I know how to do a "pre-emptive strike" against this vicious cycle by using positive affirmations and just getting out and doing something... but it keeps getting harder, and it seems that I'm running out of things to fight for. I mean, I'm fighting this disease so that I can get to a point where I can be free of the chains of severe anxiety and depression such that my many talents can be fully realized. That's good, right?

Before, I had other reasons too, for fighting, fighting so I can save my relationship with my ex-girlfriend (long story), fighting so I could just have a good time with the guys hanging out, and.... and.... I know there were a lot more but I've since forgotten them.

It's true, I have to fight this battle to save myself, and not fight it for other people. I know that, and for a long time I was fighting along those lines, but as I look back at how resistant I am to medication, and I look forward seeing that there aren't many treatment options left, it frightens me very much.

In other words, I'm at a point where deep down, I've already given up. I've surrendered. That's why my coping skills aren't working. I don't believe in them any more, and I don't really care, because I've given up, deep down I believe I'm not going to be cured, unless some miracle medical breakthrough happens whereby they can repair damaged neurons and such. Allow me to go on a tangent here... there are more than a few studies that have been done on rats and monkeys showing that when the sympathetic nervous system (for more information on what that is, see my fight-or-flight guide) is chronically activated for severely long periods of time, neurons in the hypocampus begin to shrivel up.

Hindsight tells me I've had this anxiety problem since I was an infant in the cradle. So my sympathetic nervous system has been chronically activated the majority of the time for the past 29 years. Hence, my theory on why anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and sleeping pills don't work on me, my neurons in critical parts of my brain are "shriveled up", so increasing the amount of neurotransmitter chemical in the brain doesn't have enough effect, because the synaptic space between the neurons has grown larger. I know the medications are "working", in a manner of speaking, because I do have side effects from them, which means that the rest of my body is more or less fine (these kinds of drugs, like pretty much any other kind of drug, spread through the whole body, there is no way currently for them to just go to where they need to go and stay there, in this case being the brain).

So, it's going to be a long, long journey. I think getting a combination of a PET, ECG, and MRI will really help to tell if there is damage to parts of my brain. And I'm thinking that maybe, for me, in order for the meds to work, I may have to go to such high dosages, like maybe four or five times the highest recommended dosage to see a positive effect. That's my theory anyway. Of course, taking such high dosages increases the side effects too, so the whole quality of life issue comes into play, plus I'm sure my psychiatrist isn't going to be quite so willing to test my theory by allowing me to severely overdose even in the name of an experiment, an experiment inspired by desperation.

Anxiety ups and downs

Well, today was filled with anxiety ups and downs. My sleep medicine, as I predicted, doesn't seem to do it's job of knocking me out at night. Oh well.

Anyway, I was having a lot of anxiety today, lots of negative inner dialog and those pesky intrusive "voices", mostly centered around doing my simple little chores around the house. I ended up crawling up in bed a few times trying to talk myself out of the anxiety until I unintentionally fell asleep. I finally beat the anxiety and did a nice job of vacuuming the house.

But later on, things have gotten a little better, we had a couple over for dinner and had a short but nice visit with them, then I got distracted helping some guy debug a program on the internet, which made me feel a little better, it feels good to help people out.

That's the short of it. As has been for the past couple months, I'm having a lot of depression/shame/guilt/worry etcetera ad nauseum about how long I'm going to be disabled, how long I'm going to be dependent upon others, and the fact that I'm pretty much convinced that I'm one of the few out there who can't be "cured" of my anxiety and depression. And sometimes I think I don't even want to get better, I get so depressed that I think even if I do get better and don't have my anxiety and depression and what not hindering me, that life really won't be that much better.

Cartoons

Link:www.socialanxietysupport.com - Cartoons:
I found these great cartoons at this site, I've posted one of them here, hopefully I haven't violated any copyrights!

"Cartoons-James created these fantastic cartoons. If you would like more information on his work, he can be reached at fowliej@erols.com. Check out his web site at Social Phobia Phunnies.

They have a lot of other great cartoons to take a look at for social anxiety:
Have a Drink
Bus Trip
Remember
Marooned
Phobia Department
Rutger
Pulled Over
Hang'n with the Squirrel
Dinner Party
CBT Man - The Job Interview
CBT Man - The Story Begins
Cartoon Cat
Support Group Meeting
Ocean Cruise Vacation
The Spider
In the Tree
The Party
Where is Everyone?

They also have a big forum that I'm attempting to join right now, I haven't explored it much yet.

Not a bad day overall...

Well, my anxiety and depression were quite low today. I met with my psychiatrist today and cleared up the confusion regarding taking Wellbutrin with an MAOI, so we're just going to stick with the Wellbutrin for the next month and increase the dosage, and if that has little or no affect, then we'll wean me back off the Wellbutrin and start an MAOI. In the meantime, we're changing how I take my Xanax. Normally I take 2mg four times a day, but it doesn't do a darn thing for me, or more accurately, if it is doing something for me, it's doing it below my level of awareness. In other words, I could theoretically be worse off with out it, but I don't see any signs that it's helping. So, I'm going to take 4mg twice a day. Since Xanax is a fast acting medicine, and completes it's rise and fall cycle in a matter of about 3 hours, my theory is that taking a larger dose at greater intervals will allow me to be better able to notice if this medication is helping me at all or changing my mood. Also, he gave me some samples of Ambien, a sleeping drug, at 10mg a night. Personally I doubt that at such a low level this won't do a darned thing for me, but it's free and worth a shot. If it don't work, I can just call them back and see if I can try a higher dosage. I really do want to get some normal sleep! Especially because I'm becoming interested in re-learning my lucid dream control techniques, with the hope that maybe, through my dreams I can work through my subconscious and learn more about what's driving my disorders and gain some new insight.

On another note, since my normal coping skills that I have listed on my coping skills page have seemed to stop working, or perhaps I have developed a tolerance to them (which I think is very possible, due to my overly active brain), and since my depression has been getting very severe these past couple months, I've gone back to using some coping skills I used as a young boy/early teenager. Like going for a long walk, throwing on my headphones and listening to heavy metal at very loud volumes to drown out the negative inner dialog, and then entering La-La land and fantasizing/daydreaming about winning the lottery and things like that. I've been doing this for a few days, and I can say that it has lifted my mood. It's not something I would endorse for anyone else with anxiety, because this type of coping skill is in reality an avoidance behavior. So, what I need to do now is to take what little lift in mood I get from it to help me get jump started back into using the more proper coping skills, and further to use the lifted mood to get out and do something.

Hmmm.... what to say?

Let me see... well, yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist. He and the psychologist who facilitates my group therapy think that there's some underlying issue that's repressed or "something" that we need to bring out. None of us are sure what that "something" is, we could be wrong, but there seems to be "something".

I've spent a great deal of time going through my past and I've fessed up to everything, but we think there is still more there. So we tried a little relaxation/quasi-meditation/visualization thing. It was my first time doing a guided visual relaxation with this particular therapist, so it was more like a chance for us to see what kinds of statements he can make to help me relax, kind of a practice run, we're hoping that by relaxing and getting into that alpha/theta wave brain state stuff that I don't know much about, maybe I will be able to look at things from another perspective while I'm in the meditation, and then well, we'll just see what happens. Something to try anyway while the psychiatrist keeps pulling meds out of the seemingly endless variety of meds.

Here's a page I found randomly on Google. I'm not sure how valid the statements are, this is all fairly new to me, I've heard of brain waves and the states they are associated with, but we never got into this kind of thing in my psychology classes, so visit this site with some skepticism.

Biocybernaut: Alpha Brain Waves, Feedback, Biofeedback Science, Hans Berger, Beta, Theta, Delta, EEG

Alpha production is an innate skill of our brains, but one consequence of the modern stressful lifestyle is that we forget how to produce Theta and Alpha brain waves. Then we easily fall victim to anxiety and stress-related diseases. Anxiety and stress measurably reduce the strength of our immune systems. People who have more Alpha brain waves have less anxiety. Thus having more Alpha waves could mean less anxiety and, correspondingly, stronger immune systems, and this is good for everyone.

Here's another page that talks about the stages of sleep, the associated brain waves, and also about lucid dreaming, which I have a LOT of experience with... man, if I've never told you about my dreams, I've got some stories to tell. I've told some of my friends about my lucid dreams in great detail (I have all five senses active in my dreams, they are in color, I can control things in my dreams, and sometimes I am more "aware" while in my dream than I am while I'm awake). This is also quite relevant since I've been talking about my problems with insomnia.

www.DreamViews.com: The Stages of Sleep

Although sleep may seem like a steady state, it actually consists of several stages that cycle thoughout the night. The types of brain waves (based on amplitudes and frequencies) determine the stages of sleep (brain waves and the stages of sleep will not be thoroughly examined here, as they are beyond the scope of this site.) Lucid dreams occur in the 5th stage of sleep, known as the REM (Rapid Eye Movement) stage. As the name states, the most profound characteristic of REM sleep is the bursts of rapid eye movement while dreaming.

Trusting Again

Link:Tori Amos Inspired Site for Survivors of Sexual Abuse: Trusting again.
In my therapy sessions, we're dealing a lot with my issues of trust in relationships, and how my issues with trust developed through my childhood and adult life. This site is mostly geared towards survivors of rape, but much of the content applies to the types of issues I have as well, even though I have never been raped.

Trust is a hard thing to think about after an attack as a child or as an adult survivor of rape, abuse and or incest. Out of all of the struggles I have had to endure in my past I would have to say trusting was one of the hardest issues in my life that I have ever had to deal with and come to terms with on a more positive level. For me NOT Trusting was always my shield against the criminal minds. The best advice I can give to you is this, take your time. Trust does not come easy and it must be earned. Trust IS time. Do not trust every single person you come to meet but do not give up on trust in the same sense. It's tough to even talk about. There is a great fear behind trusting someone ever again and you will go through great tribulations and thoughts regarding your need to trust others.

Be a good judge of character for one. Be faithful in yourself. First assumptions are always the best. Sometimes we can meet someone and it feels like we have known that person our whole lives, but if there is doubt in a person it is usually more than often your heart telling you to watch out.

The first thing you should try to do is gain the trust of only those who are close to you first. It is not very good to go out and try meeting new people to trust before you have even gained the trust and started to trust your family and close friends. Start with them, heal with them, ask for their support and their patience before going out and trying to put your heart in other people's hands. Good friends come around all the time but the closest ones do not so be wary of who you and who you do not know. And above all please get to know the people you want to be close to. Know how they move, get to know a little or a lot about their past, try to communicate and connect with them in public areas around other friends.

Once again give yourself the time. The best thing you can do is learn the meaning of time and patience. Patience in yourself and patience in others because not everyone is going to jump to your emotions. Your going to have to work around theirs. But you know, it's not that hard to do if you really do want to learn to trust again.

I think this is great advice.

Zombied

Man, I've been a walking zombie for days now, mostly due to the continued insomnia. It's making me really numb emotionally. Which may be a good thing, I'm not sure. And I've got major sinus congestion. I hate that.

Anyway, I saw the move Antwone Fisher last night and it was pretty good, it's a story about a boy who never knew his parents, was abused in some kind of foster care setting, then joined the navy and eventually saw a psychiatrist, worked out his childhood issues and found his family. Good story about persevering over severe childhood emotional trauma.

Hmm.... I feel like I've got a lot to talk about, but nothing much to say. Reminds me of that Tori Amos song Silent All These Years Tori's been envolved with a project that is a safe place for anyone who's heart as a Survivor of Rape, Abuse and or Incest has ever been touched by the moving music of Tori Amos who is also the co-founder of RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) rainn.org Here's the lyrics (with some parts cut out) that I identify with:

excuse me but
can I be you for a while
my dog won't bite
if you sit real still
I got the anti-christ
in the kitchen
yellin' at me again
yeah I can hear that

been saved again
by the garbage truck
I got something to say
you know but NOTHING comes
yes I know what you think of me
you never shut up
yeah I can hear that

hey but I don't care
cause sometimes I said
sometimes I hear my voice
and it's been
here silent all these years

my scream got lost in a paper cup
you think there's a heaven
where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
do you think it's enough
to get us there

hey but I don't care
cause sometimes I said
sometimes I hear my voice and it's been
here silent all these

years go by will I still be waiting
for somebody else to understand
years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty
and the orange clouds raining in my head
years go by will I choke on my tears
till finally there is nothing left
one more casualty
you know we're too EASY easy easy

Worried about disability

Well, I'm having a lot of anxiety centered around my application for disability through the state. I'm applying for Medi-Cal, which is California's version of Medicaid, and also disability through Social Security (SSI). My doctors have all agreed that they believe I am disabled and will be for quite some time, and have agreed to sign any papers necessary... except there are no papers for them to sign. Basically, I have to sit here and wait for a few months while the state collects my medical records and they make a decision whether my disorder prevents me from working.

I've heard stories of people who are even more worse off than I am, whose personal doctors have told them they cannot work, and yet the state disagreed and denied them disability, and in some cases these people have re-applied multiple times and still got denied.

So I'm worried... it'll be a long, long time before I can work even part-time. My family is quickly running out of retirement funds that were cashed in to help me out, so I really need the disability benefits if I'm not going to end up without any medical care or medicine or treatment or anything, let alone the brain scans that I'm soon going to need.

I hate the idea that the state won't just take the doctor's word for it.

Has anyone else had experience with this? If you have, shoot me an email and tell me about your experiences with trying to get disability benefits, I'd appreciate it.

I'm fried, crispy toast.

I am soooo tired. I haven't slept in four days, since I started the Wellbutrin. Well, OK, there's been about three times each day where I fell asleep, if you could call it that, for about twenty minutes. But that's not real sleep, because in those twenty minute naps I go straight into a dream state which is always a horrible nightmare, then wake up from it. So I never achieve the deep sleep that is necessary. So, as you can imagine, my concentration is shot, I'm very tired and irritable.

I'd ask the doctor for some sleeping drugs but I've tried them in the past and I am totally resistant to them. So, I'm just staying away from caffeine as I have been since I was diagnosed almost three years ago, keeping my sugar levels at a good level, so I don't make the problem even worse.

I've been taking a lot of long walks late at night since I can't sleep, I'll just get out my MP3 player and walk for a few hours.

I have noticed one thing though. For the first two days of my insomnia, I was very depressed, stuck thinking myself into philosophical loopholes, but the past day I've gone past that and now I feel a little more at peace with myself, the depression is lifting a bit, but it's so hard to say for sure, it's probably just because I'm a zombie after four days with no real sleep.

How I've been lately

Well, lately, what with the side effects I posted about earlier and all... Well, actually for the past couple months, is that I'm sick of using my coping skills to get through the day. It's hard enough to get through the day with little to no sleep, nightmares, other side effects, that would be enough to drive anyone nuts, plus I've got all this anxiety and depression and nagging omnipresent negative memories constantly bombarding my brain, I can hardly concentrate.

All of the coping skills I've talked about don't seem to work anymore, it's like I've developed a tolerance to them. And worse, as I look back at the past three years of actively using these skills to try and get through each day or each moment, I've realized, that for me at least, that they're really just band-aids.

Now, all you therapists out there will say, "Dave, you have to keep using these coping skills. You have to be determined and constantly keep using them and not let up until they become a part of your life, until they become habits themselves and you will notice a drastic improvement."

My response to that is, well, I've been doing just that for three years, and while coping skills help for very brief moments, my condition(s) is most definitely still getting worse despite the efforts of myself and others.

I'm spending a lot of time thinking about deep, philosophical issues, like the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Those of you who are fans of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy will know that the answer to that questions is 42. Well, anyway, thinking along these philosophical lines keeps just going in circles, and each answer I come up with just upsets me or depresses me even more.

NOW, before any of you even dare to send me an email saying I just need to go to church X, or talk to missionary Y, or read bible passage Z, you'd better bite your tongue. I'm not willing to discuss spirituality at this point. Don't even ask.

So, my attitude lately has been one of just barely treading water, as my condition(s) get worse, I'm just doing what I can to keep my nose above water until a miracle pill or surgery or what have you can come along, because I'm so very tired. I've been fighting this for going on thirty years, it's been gradually getting worse my whole life. No, I am not giving up, or getting lazy. I'm just saying, as a metaphor, I'm out in an ocean, treading water for years, I've got tons of will power to tread water, but don't expect much more from me because I'm tired and it's all I can do until I find a coast guard ship, or better yet, a mermaid with a magical potion.

Side Effects

Well, I've been on the Wellbutrin for 3 days now, and I've got severe insomnia, and I'm having these strange sensations, you know, like when you stick a 9 volt battery to your tongue to see if it's good or not, it feels like someone is randomly sticking a nine volt battery to random muscles in my body, arms, and legs. And sometimes when I turn my head my hearing goes in and out. Really weird, and I'm not even at a normal dosage yet. And this drug is supposed to be the same as Zyban the anti-smoking pill, but the insomnia is making me smoke like a fiend.

I'll tell the RN tomorrow when I go to the clinic about the side effects. I'm also worried because the plan according to my psychiatrist was to start me on the Wellbutrin for two weeks and then add an MAOI. But, after reading the package insert for Wellbutrin, it specifically says in a few places that you cannot take this medicine while also taking an MAOI. But he's out of town, so I'll be sure to bring this up with him before I actually start the MAOI.

In the meantime, I'm worried that these electrical shock sensations I'm experiencing in random parts of my body are minor seizures, which is a reported side effect of the medicine, and I'm afraid if we increase the dosage to the normal levels or above, I may get actual seizures. Great, just what I need!

So any way, I haven't been able to sleep for more than two hours a day, and that time is filled with nightmares. Ugh.

Thanks to you all....

This moment, I'd just like to say a big THANK YOU to all of you, friends, family, readers, for sending me your prayers and thoughts and encouragement. Some of you have sent me some real nice emails, and I tell you, that really helps me keep my encouragement and determination up.

Like a recent reader just wrote me in an email, all the medicines and psychotherapy help a lot, but what really helps is having encouraging, supporting people behind you, and I am very fortunate that I have that.

Well, I'm back!

Well, I'm back from my trip now, with a busted thumb.... ugh! Hehehe, you know, I slammed my thumb in a car door last Christmas, and I lost my thumbnail, and it wasn't until last week that it finally grew back all the way. And then, what do I do this past weekend? Yep, I slammed the same darn thumb in a car door even worse than last time, and... well, let's just say you should be glad I didn't post a picture of it!

Anyway, I made it through the trip, obviously, although it was pretty tough, I had lots of nightmares while I was there, and my anxiety level was pretty high the whole time, so I was pretty withdrawn, so I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't spend more time with my family and friends, but we did have some good times too. We went to see the Matrix Reloaded again, gosh I love that movie! And my mom made me some chocolate chip cookies to bring back with me... gotta love mom!

Hmmm... I'm feeling like I should post something really cool, like I've made some major breakthrough or learned something new about anxiety and stuff, but I can't think of anything. I have started looking back through one of my cognitive neuroscience textbooks from college, to further my understanding of how all these neurotransmitter chemicals function in the brain, since these are the chemicals that the medications I'm on alter. Maybe after I feel I have a better understanding of this, I'll design a page with some pictures to kind of explain it all in layman's terms.