Going back to previous dosage

I met with my psychiatrist today and we agreed to go back down to the original dosage of my Symbyax. I screwed up earlier on one of my posts and said that we doubled the Paxil portion, when it was really the Zyprexa portion that we increased, I went back and edited that post.

The side effects I was having with concentration and motor skills were bad enough that my aunt had to take away my car keys.

I've been eating like a starved pig lately, and I've started pacing again more often as well. Hopefully most of this will go away with the decrease in dosage.

I've also been sleeping like the dead. No alarm clock or phone ringing can wake me up, heck not even a full bladder can wake me up. So hopefully the drop in the dosage will bring my sleep into more of a balance.

Regular sleeping schedule!

Who would have thought it, but I've been on a more or less normal sleeping pattern for a week now. I think that's mostly because I switched taking my Symbyax from midnight to dinner time. I'm also a little more active now, although I've noticed that my speech is more slurred on this medicine, and I still get a little de-personalization and anxiety around people, the more tired I am the worse the de-personalization and panic are.

gaining weight again

I recently doubled the Zyprexa portion of my Symbyax, and I can already see my tummy sticking out further. I just threw out some old jeans that don't fit and have holes in them anyway; my aunt was kind enough to buy me some new ones. I hate going through all these medication changes, with the weight changes they sometimes make, it seems like I'm always needing new clothes.

I had dinner with my neighbor yesterday, and was kind of surprised to be panicky the whole time. I rushed through dinner, declined the offer to stay and watch a movie, and went straight home to watch a movie myself, although I had said I was going to go for a walk. I wanted to go for a walk, but I couldn't fight the panic attack to do it. So, instead, I threw in a DVD and turned it up loud, and when my aunt came home and told me to turn it down, I threw a minor hissy fit about it like a teenager. Had a lot of depression last night too.

But, at least I'm sleeping more normal hours now, my psychiatrist gave me some stronger sleeping pills but I haven't needed to use them yet. But I can't stop eating, eating like a pig since I've been on this medicine it seems like.

My psychiatrist re-diagnosed me as bi-polar depressed with panic attacks. I grabbed a copy of my medical records from them while I was there and I saw that they wrote down bi-polar as a possibility on my first visit.

I had a lot of stress mostly about finances the past week, the clinic keeps screwing up my billing, first telling me that I owe them hundreds of dollars and then turning around and saying that they owe me hundreds, then saying we're even, rinse, lather, repeat. What a mess. To keep things easier and cheaper, I'm going to cut my visits down to just seeing my psychiatrist once a month and not go to any more therapy sessions.

I did get up early today and went for a short walk, haven't done that in a long time.

Ugh

I feel like Ugh right now. I've been having sinus headaches lately, trouble sleeping. I'm having a hard time sitting through watching movies or reading books now, kind of like I when I was on Geodon. My depression is coming back a little bit too, got some circular negative thinking going on about finances and such. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.

I think I'm bi-polar

As time goes on, I'm beginning to think that I have more of a bi-polar issue than just anxiety and depression. I don't know, label it whatever you want, it still makes it difficult to lead a normal life and be a productive member of society and enjoy the simple things.

Another depersonalization panic attack

I spent the afternoon and evening at my cousin's place. I had been up for more than 24 hours I think by the time I arrived there, so I immediately fell asleep on the couch and slept for like five hours, causing me to miss a dose of Xanax, so I was going through a small withdrawal. A few hours later the panic started creeping in, I started felling depersonalized, I even spent a little bit of time in my truck listening to my relaxation tape to help get me through it, and then after desert I drove my aunt and I home.

This was kind of a small test-run with this new medicine, to see how much it helps when I'm out of my home for a length of time. I think the medicine is helping, this experience wasn't quite as bad as some I've had.

Manic insomnia

Up until yesterday evening, I hadn't slept in like a day and a half, I think this new med is giving my hyposomnia. It's keeping me out of being depressed, the suicidal ideations are gone, but I do have some sexual side effects. I'm also having a bit of a cold but I don't think it's anything major.

I'll have to give this medicine a while to see how it all settles in. Next Wednesday I see my psychiatrist again, and I'll see about maybe upping the dosage so I'm taking it twice a day instead of once a day, and then also seeing if he has a different drug I haven't used before to get me to fall asleep at night.

In my manic swings I bought a new lamp for my bedroom and some new computer equipment on my credit cards... I probably shouldn't have, but I think with the new stuff I got I can sell some of the other stuff to get some of the money back and besides I was having some pretty bad computer problems anyway that needed some fixing before things got fried.

I'll probably spend the weekend helping out my cousin with some stuff at her place, and have her give me a hair cut, I'm half tempted to shave my head accept for the pony tail.

Manic swing

I've noticed that, aside from when I wake up all groggy, depressed, lethargic and with racing thoughts, I've been in what seems like a manic swing. I think this is due to a few things; one, knowing that my family is trying to make things work out for me in my best interest and thinking of long-term strategies to help me (after the big meeting we had), nicer weather, finding out that the clinic I go to probably owes me money (they previously told me I owed them almost 800 dollars, but when we went through the billing together it actually looks like they owe me money instead, so cross your fingers that it will turn out that way, their office is really busy and behind schedule, and they need certain permissions to change my billing history, but so far that looks good).

Also this new medicine I'm on seems to get me into a manic phase after the grogginess of waking up goes away. I have to be careful, since when I'm in a manic phase, I tend to want to spend a lot of money and rush to make big plans and get too excited. I have to try and give myself patience, give the medicine some more time to work, and try to keep a balance both financially and emotionally.

The waiting game

Well, Tuesday I had a joint meeting with my therapist, psychiatrist, aunt and my dad. We had the meeting because we're not sure what to do, I've been going to this clinic for over a year and my depression, anxiety, panic attacks, depersonalization and overall ability to function have been declining, and my suicidal ideations have been increasing.

My psychiatrist gave me a new medicine to try, Symbyax, med number 20 for me, it's a combination of Paxil and Zyprexa; he gave me free samples to last me for two weeks when I'll see him again. We're leaning towards a bi-polar diagnosis from the sounds of it. Honestly the more I learn about bi-polar and looking at my history, it does sound like a good diagnosis. When I read through the "Recognizing Bipolar Depression" section of the link above to Symbyax, it does sound much like me.

We talked about institions, shock treatment, the mental health care system in general, and we're leaning towards going to the Amen Clinic to get a SPECT scan done before resorting to shock treatment. But, in the end, it's up to my dad to pay for it all, which is a lot of money (possibly over 4 grand for the scan) and it'll be a good month before he knows if he can afford it or not. We also talked about whether I should move in with a different family member, and decided it wouldn't be a good idea to try and move right now, it would just add to the stress. Basically, stick with the status quo, then see if we can get this SPECT scan, from that we can get me onto some kind of medicine cocktail and see how things go from there, and if the medicines make a noticeable difference, then we can start getting me more involved in daily living.

It's real tough on myself and my family right now, it's hard for them knowing that I'm so depressed to be suicidal and so anxiety-ridden to have trouble driving, not too mention the costs of all this treatment.

Tuesday was even tougher because I had to spend quite a bit of time trying to sort out billing errors with the clinic I go to, they showed me as owing them over 7 hundred dollars, and it took me quite a while with all my receipts and stuff to go through and show them that I don't owe them anything, and as we went over it, it looks like they may actually owe me instead. It's not all said and done yet, keep your fingers crossed for me as I continue to play the waiting game.