Friday, November 28, 2003

The Thanksgiving trip

Well, I drove myself the six-hour trip to my dad's, alone, to be with family for Thanksgiving. I was planning on staying five days I think, but I could only handle two before I had to bail and head home. For almost the past two years, I've been having problems where when I leave home and stay the night somewhere else, I have serious panic attacks that last for hours, weird kind of panic attacks that leave me very depersonalie, "feeling" like I'm on the edge of schizophrenia, I get up in the middle of the night and start to wander the streets, and usually I end up having an emotional breakdown, and seeing as how that was where I was headed, I decided to come home early, alone, and have a peaceful day at home by myself, just chill out and get some good sleep in my own bed.

Other than that Thanksgiving was nice, we had a good meal and the family was all nice, it was nice to be together for a while.

The drive there was hell for me, traffic was bad and my anxiety was hell, I had to make many stops to just take some time, fifteen to thirty minutes at some gas station or something and practice my breathing exercises and such. The drive home was much easier, partly because I knew I was going back to my "comfort zone", and also because my timing was perfect so I avoided a ton of traffic.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Is it really Saturday night?

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, like I've said before the days just seem to go by in a blur.

My anxiety has been pretty high lately, mostly due to worrying about my medical benefits situation and planning for the holidays, the clinic I go to screwed up some of my appointments with my therapist so I haven't been able to see him and won't see him until next month, and my main computer is now laying in parts due to a defective part that I've got to wait for a replacement on. Mostly just a bunch of little things, but with my anxiety, little things can provoke panic attacks.

I'm going to try and force myself to take some quiet time and just relax if I can. My cousin and aunt got me this special, I'm not sure what you would call it, it's like a meditation thing, you pour water into a glass bowl, and it lights up and turns the water into vapor and makes this soothing sound with soothing lights, I think I'm going to relax in my favorite rocker next to this thing for an hour or so and do my breathing exercises and such, relieve myself from a lot of these little pressures so I can step back in peace and see the forest for the trees.

I also went to the library earlier this week and got me some good old science fiction novels to read, just to relax to before bed each night, to take a break from just reading books on anxiety and the brain.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Still going with the flow

Well, I'm still kind of going with the flow, my moods are unpredictable, I'm noticing that more myself, and I'm just kind of riding along with them.

I went ahead and went to the Senator's office to have him look into my Social Security money on my behalf, I should hear back in a couple weeks or so, the people at the office were really nice.

I had a strange, powerful dream that woke me up this morning, the kind of dream that feels like it's an "omen" or something... one of those dreams where I wake up frightened because it involves people I care about, and it's hard not to resist the urge to call these people and warn them of the danger in my dream. I get those every so often, they're only rarely turn out to be true, I'm chalking this one up to just a mish-mash of things getting jumbled up in my dream and I'm not going to freak out and call everyone.

Finances are going to be screwy for me for a while, it's going to take some adjustment to see how much having MediCAL will affect my monthly budget, it's pretty clear that at least in the short term it will make things more complicated. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up, too, so that puts another wrench into it as well.

I'm going to be visiting my dad and some other family at his place in Nevada, it's like a six hour drive for me if I remember. I'm not so nervous about the drive as I am about staying in a place I'm not used to for a few days or more in a row (don't yet know how long I'll be staying). With my anxiety, I always have a need for a "safe place" to escape to, and being away from home I won't have as many "escape routes".

I'm also kind of contemplating trying to fly back to Michigan, where I grew up, early next year as a late Christmas visit... I keep changing my mind on whether that's a good idea or not. My last trip I had serious panic attacks, and was unable for the most part to see any of my old friends... it was nice to see my mom and stuff, but other than that, it was a really difficult trip for me anxiety-wise, and depressed too because I wasn't able to spend more time with friends. I haven't heard from any of my friends in months, so I'm worried if I do go back I wouldn't be able to see them at all, and that bothers me some. I'd still like to go see my mom and step-dad though... for the meantime, I've just decided to wait until I can get that money that Social Security owes me and then I'll decide.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Going with the flow...

I'm just doing my best to go with the flow right now. After having a good night out, I crashed into severe depression. My emotions are always quite extreme, and I'm just trying to go with the flow and ride with them as they go from one extreme to another, keeping in touch with my therapist.

I'm getting really stressed trying to deal with Social Security, they owe me thousands of dollars in back pay, and the Social Security office keeps telling me they're simply too busy to help... basically they're too busy to make one phone call on my behalf, all they have to do is call the national office to tell them to release the money. Ugh! My therapist tells me I could walk into the local Senator's office and that he could get them to do that, but I'm not sure I'm up to doing something like that. And my MediCAL state insurance card was supposed to be here last week, but I still haven't gotten it. I hate dealing with bureaucracies. And once I do get the card, there's a good chance it could actually increase how much I have to spend out of pocket each month for my normal visits with my therapist and such, but I need it so I can have the opportunity to get brain scans and such, and to be covered in case of emergency.

I also started writing an auto-biography of sorts, a book. It's a nice outlet, I'll work on it a little bit here and there as my moods permit.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

Totally depressed day but great night...

I've been increasingly more and more lonely as time wears on, friends becoming more distant. This loneliness has become a major hindrance to my ability to actively work on my coping skills and other anxiety-fighting homework. It further drives thoughts of suicide. Realizing the need for companionship and how the lack of it is hindering my growth, etcetera ad nauseum, I knew that however bad the anxiety is, I have to push myself to get out... which isn't easy even without the anxiety, because I'm broke and I have no friends and I'm new to the area, so I've been scoping out what kind of free social activities are out there that I might possibly be able to enjoy, and I came across one opportunity, that the local Borders book store often has performances of various kinds in their coffee shop that are free and open to the public and it's only about a mile away.

I spent many hours agonizing about all of my loneliness, how lame I felt going out, imagining myself going up to people and saying "I'm really friggin lonely and I have an anxiety disorder, will you please be my friend?" LOL. But I spent hours trying to prep myself for going out tonight, but the depression and the thoughts of "what's the point?" were just plain overwhelming.

After speaking with an old and dear friend on the phone from back on the other side of the country, and then going out for the night by myself, I sent her an email which I pretty much just copied below.

Thanks Pam! You've really pulled me through a lot many times.

I just got back from the open-mic night at the Border's bookstore down the road and I had a great time... I had to over-dose a bit to do it, but it left me smiling. But, I think more than the over-dose, laughing with you on the phone helped me more than anything... I was in a very deep depression, and being able to laugh with you on the phone made the rest of the night so much easier.

I didn't really make any friends but I was able to cheerfully chat for a few seconds with some of the performers, and that was real nice. As I sat there, it was like the times I told you about, how hard it is for me to go to a bar and see a band play, because the stage cries out for me to just jump up there and perform. I had that same feeling tonight... That microphone was just crying out my name. I darn near did stand up and take the mic, but I didn't have anything prepared and couldn't think of a topic that would fit in the time frame, but after I finish this email I'm gonna see if I can't come up with something... That mic is calling me to be a performer again. My only bummer is that open mic night is only once a month... I wish it was once a week! But they have other performances once or twice a week where blues or jazz musicians will come and play, so I'll probably check out those, and even Carrot Top (yeah I know you hate him but he still cracks me up) is coming sometime in the next week or so to do his thing at the bookstore and sign autographs, so I'll probably check that out too and get a laugh out of it.

So, I've finally found something that's free and that I can actually handle! I'm ecstatic!

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Lots accomplished, lots to do and think about... and drug number 18 and counting...

Well I've accomplished quite a bit. After lots of trouble, it now appears that I will be getting medical insurance from the state, and that within the month I will have the actual card to carry, which will open (hopefully) a lot of doors to more expensive treatments and tests, while also giving me and my family the relief knowing that if I get in an accident we'll be able to handle hospital costs. I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch, but it looks like it's really going to happen this time.

After getting that taken care of I met with my therapist. I was very unsure of myself going to see him, because I had so many things I wanted to get off my chest and talk about I couldn't think of any way to cram all that into a 45 minute session, and I couldn't decide on a smaller issue to discuss. But, in my opinion it turned out to be a great session. One that will give me a lot to think about and keep me real busy for some time to come. For more details, check out my new page called "Anger Management and Defense Mechanisms - Just a sad game?" now listed under my breakthroughs in the left-hand column.

Then I got to see my psychiatrist. First, he told me that there is another version of Xanax available, a sustained release version. The Xanax I'm taking now is a generic form, but still very expensive. Many drug companies are doing this kind of thing now in order to make more money - after a patent on a drug runs out and becomes generic, they then come out with a new patented version of the drug that is the same thing, the only difference being is that the chemicals are released more slowly over a longer period of time, so you end up taking less pills per day, and you have a more even balance of the chemicals in your body. He told me to take the prescription to the pharmacy and see how much this version would cost me compared to the generic standard release version, and if it doesn't cost too much more, then I should switch to it. I'll have to wait another week or so until my social security money comes in before I find out if I can handle affording it or not. In the meantime we're increasing my dosage back to 8mgs a day, up 1mg from where I was for a while.

He also added a new drug in addition to the Xanax called Lamictal. (the 18th new drug for me) An intersting drug I have not heard of before that is approved for epilepsy and bipolar disorder. Bascially, it acts as a mood stabilizer and an antidepressent. What really peaked my curiosity is how this drug is thought to work. Unlike all the other medications I am aware of, this medication works on the sodium molecules found in neurons. Sodium is one of the molecules that help propogate the electrical signal from one part of the neuron down it's "legs" to the end of the neuron, which then trigger the release of the neurotransmitter chemicals which send "signals" to nearby neurons. All of the other medications I am aware of specifically target the "ends" of the neurons and are designed to "block" some of these neutransmitter chemicals, like serotonin. The side effect profile for this drug isn't too bad compared to others I have taken, and I was also happy to find out that the clinical trials of this drug actually lasted 18 months - much longer than most other drugs, which makes me more confident in this drug since they spent more time watching patients to see how the drug worked over a longer period of time. Plus, I was lucky in that the doctor was able to give me a month's worth of free samples. I'll see him again in three weeks to guage my progress. As with most drugs, I'll start out at a low dosage, then after two weeks double the dosage, and then if nothing bad happens, after another two weeks I'll double the dosage again to finally arrive at the standard treatment dosage level.

Boy, what a couple of days!

Phew, man have I gone through some ups and downs the past couple days, I almost feel like I want to talk like a valley girl and say "like, oh my god" if you get that kind of humor.

Anyway, I've got tons of stuff to write about, my next post is going to be a real long one, I'm gonna take a nap now and give myself a moment to let it all kind of settle and sink in so I can digest it a little and write about it, but I think I'm breaking some new ground. Sorry about that last posting being such a garbled mess, it's hard to explain but my brain was shutting itself down as a defense mechanism against the anxiety and traumatic emotions I was feeling.

Monday, November 03, 2003

It just keeps getting worse

I went again to the welfare office to fight for my disability insurance and it just keeps turning into a more complex nightmare. It's like thheyre tying to make things impossible for me to get the help i need. i m having a hard time thinkng now. i can't my cognitive abilitise are geting eeker. im fighting it trying to sabe mysefl but oh my it hurts i don't know howmubh longer i have leftr. i'm dying i think i whoulhd rigt a will to make things easier in case i can't make it. i try to read the forms they want me to do but i cant make rel sense of them. i don't deserve this im fighting i dont remember things im trying to make it eaiser on everyone else and pretend as much as i kan byt im slipping. i never imagined it could et so much worse i though twen i swa lockede in a lostet tremblin that it was the worst but now that seems liikke a nice day now. i think i should wrap some things up, but i don't think anybody really cares if i do or not exceept for my family and a few people who only exsit in cyberspace.

i'm sorry it s har dofr peple trying to hep me. when something is wrong with bain it is hard for people to understand who want to help and its hard to explain whats arong.

Saturday, November 01, 2003

thoughts... emotion... balance...

I... I.. don't know what to write. I don't know what I want to say... or how to say... or who to say it to... I'm lonely... I'm sorry... I... I know I can't be what most believe I can be or do... I'm sorry I can't be who I could be if... things... were different... I'm crying. I miss so many things... but I'm not sure if I really every had those things that I miss... just a longing for some things that I will never have...