Today was another one of those days where I woke up in the middle of a bad dream, so I was already in a panic attack as I began to wake up, and it's just kind of left me angry and paranoid at the same time all day. I think I should just go back to bed and start all over.
It seems I'm still paranoid/anxious/angry about some things in my past that I know I've already dealt with and let go of, but sometimes out of the blue they come back, post-traumatic stress style, so I get all the emotions and everything again. I mean, it's like, you know when you break up with a girlfriend, it sucks, it hurts, and you grieve and get angry for a while, but as the days and weeks and months and even years go by, it bothers you less and less and you start to forget about it and eventually you usually even realize it was all probably for the best and you chalk it up as a learning experience, right?
Well, I've gone through this whole process, and no longer hold any bad feeling against anyone, I've accepted what's happened and I've learned from it and I've moved on... but even many, many years later, it can be like.. POW! I'm right there, in that moment again, feeling the same intense emotions... and, I, well, I tell myself, "uhhh... what the heck? That was years ago and happened on the other side of the country and why is this haunting me now? I've already forgiven and forgotten and all that..." But telling myself these things doesn't actually help with the emotions. I just have to ride through it, and wait for a day or two or three to get over it again.
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Friday, July 11, 2003
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