Totally depressed day but great night...

I've been increasingly more and more lonely as time wears on, friends becoming more distant. This loneliness has become a major hindrance to my ability to actively work on my coping skills and other anxiety-fighting homework. It further drives thoughts of suicide. Realizing the need for companionship and how the lack of it is hindering my growth, etcetera ad nauseum, I knew that however bad the anxiety is, I have to push myself to get out... which isn't easy even without the anxiety, because I'm broke and I have no friends and I'm new to the area, so I've been scoping out what kind of free social activities are out there that I might possibly be able to enjoy, and I came across one opportunity, that the local Borders book store often has performances of various kinds in their coffee shop that are free and open to the public and it's only about a mile away.

I spent many hours agonizing about all of my loneliness, how lame I felt going out, imagining myself going up to people and saying "I'm really friggin lonely and I have an anxiety disorder, will you please be my friend?" LOL. But I spent hours trying to prep myself for going out tonight, but the depression and the thoughts of "what's the point?" were just plain overwhelming.

After speaking with an old and dear friend on the phone from back on the other side of the country, and then going out for the night by myself, I sent her an email which I pretty much just copied below.

Thanks Pam! You've really pulled me through a lot many times.

I just got back from the open-mic night at the Border's bookstore down the road and I had a great time... I had to over-dose a bit to do it, but it left me smiling. But, I think more than the over-dose, laughing with you on the phone helped me more than anything... I was in a very deep depression, and being able to laugh with you on the phone made the rest of the night so much easier.

I didn't really make any friends but I was able to cheerfully chat for a few seconds with some of the performers, and that was real nice. As I sat there, it was like the times I told you about, how hard it is for me to go to a bar and see a band play, because the stage cries out for me to just jump up there and perform. I had that same feeling tonight... That microphone was just crying out my name. I darn near did stand up and take the mic, but I didn't have anything prepared and couldn't think of a topic that would fit in the time frame, but after I finish this email I'm gonna see if I can't come up with something... That mic is calling me to be a performer again. My only bummer is that open mic night is only once a month... I wish it was once a week! But they have other performances once or twice a week where blues or jazz musicians will come and play, so I'll probably check out those, and even Carrot Top (yeah I know you hate him but he still cracks me up) is coming sometime in the next week or so to do his thing at the bookstore and sign autographs, so I'll probably check that out too and get a laugh out of it.

So, I've finally found something that's free and that I can actually handle! I'm ecstatic!