Insert title for post here ;-)

Well, I see my therapist today, I'm going to talk to him about how I react when I'm away from home on trips, like with thanksgiving. I'm wondering if I should bother planning any trips in the future for a while, like I was planning on spending a week or so with friends and family in Michigan in January, but knowing how I react on trips I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not, and besides, finances are tough, other people in my family are having medical problems as well, so everyone's kind of stretched thin right now and having to deal with a lot.

Sunday I was pretty nervous during the day, I was home alone, and my family was returning home that evening, and for some reason I was real nervous about it, and then I just put all my nervous energy into cleaning the house and organizing a closet and stuff like that, and it made me feel a lot better, like I got something accomplished. Brings back memories of my early teenage years, I used to always get nervous when my parents were about to come home from work or whatever, worrying about whether I had been bad or good in their eyes, hoping for them to come home happy, while at the same time feeling nervous because then I wouldn't be alone... it's all kind of complicated and sometimes contradictory, has a lot to do with my anxiety and my codependence.

I'm pretty tired as I'm writing this, I should be in bed right now.

I'm glad I was able to set my boundaries during Thanksgiving in a healthy way, I'm proud that I handled it better than some of my past trips.

Tomorrow I also double the dosage of my Lamictal, hopefully within a couple weeks I'll be able to notice that it's helping, but after being on so many other meds so far, I'm not expecting much. My main goal right now is to try and squeeze by financially until I can get that money that Social Security owes me, money keeps getting tighter, especially with the holidays and all, and the more I think about it, it seems like the state insurance I have now will actually increase how much I have to spend each month, so until I get the money that social security has locked up for me, I'm not even bothering to tell my clinic that I have insurance so I can keep going with the payment plan I have currently as a cash patient. I wish I could afford to get back on my vitamins and nutritional supplements and all that, but I guess I have to be thankful for what I have. My aunt is really sick right now, I hope I don't catch what she has, I'll have to make sure I drink some orange juice or something to help boost my immune system.

I'm also a little nervous about my website here, I feel like I'm not contributing as much as I had hoped to, as usual I set my expectations of myself too high... after all I guess this site is really just a place for me to do a monologue of what I'm going through, something I can look back at later and see where I've been and things like that.

Well, I'm going to go wrap myself up in bed with a good science fiction novel... although I have a big urge to go eat a piece of left-over cheesecake first LOL.