The issue of loneliness...

I've been pretty lonely lately. I've been quite lonely many times, and birthdays usually bring this issue to the fore-front for me. I have many friends and family who are supportive and encouraging, but I'm lonely for that special person that I can be close with who can truly relate to how I feel, and with whom I can have fun with, hang out on a regular basis, and talk about things both important and not so important. Someone who has a deep empathy for my condition, someone who is walking in my shoes.

There's two parts to this problem. First, my condition makes it increasingly difficult to go out in social situations such that I could find such a person. Secondly, even if I were to get out and be available, the person I'm looking for would be facing the same problems and most likely wouldn't themselves be out there to be found.

It also brings up a moral issue for me. I've had some good relationships in the past, and in retrospect I can see how my condition caused these relationships to deteriorate. And I've decided long ago that I don't want to bring another person into my life close enough that I might unintentionally hurt them or burden them. I would never do such a thing intentionally, but due to the nature of my condition, I easily become withdrawn socially and emotionally, am very needy, and that is not good for a healthy sustained relationship.

I've tried to accept the fact that I will have to live with this type of loneliness for a long time, and in the meantime I'll have to be my own best friend. It's not easy, and often very difficult to not slide into a deep depression because of it.

One therapist suggested that I should go out and start dating just for the sake of practice. But I have a moral problem with that, it sounds too much like using people.

Some people suggest a spiritual solution to this problem. I do agree that having a faith and relationship with a higher power can alleviate some of this empty feeling, but it can't fully take away the basic human need I have to be close to another human being who can identify with what I am going through and with whom I can be with most of the time.

I've met some people and made some distant acquaintances with people through support groups and on the internet, but what I really need deep down is someone close at hand who I can share my days and my intimacy with.

So it's a catch-22 in a way. I probably won't be able to find such a person, and if I do I risk hurting them or burdening them with my problems, or becoming codependent. And as I look into my own future, I see many other catch-22s.