Expectations, "shoulds" and goals....

I "should" on myself a lot. I'm constantly telling myself I should be doing this, I should be doing that, I should be better at this, I should do less of that, etc.

For example, I keep "shoulding" on myself that I should get a job. That's not a should, that's a goal! There's a big difference. Thinking I should get a job just leads to depression and procrastination and low self-worth. Making it a goal turns it into a positive. The truth is, it's a healthy goal and I am actively working towards that goal. I'm just now at a point were I can take care of my personal hygiene and actually shower and wear clean clothes each day, that's big progress! My next steps are to continue working on my negative inner dialog and expectations of myself. That is, by thinking in a more positive fashion I can avoid a lot of the anxiety I normally experience, and by setting realistic expectations on my recovery from the side effects of my medication, I can achieve the goal of getting a job at the right time, instead of shoulding myself and pushing myself into a situation that is unrealistic at this point in time.

There's other "shoulds", like life should be fair. Life isn't always fair! I need to learn to roll with the punches, and take each moment I have to find some joy, some good and do my best and accept that my best is my best even if it isn't perfect.

Downplaying the postives and exaggerating the negatives...

One of the things I'm learning is just how much I downplay the positive things in my life and the successes that I have and how much I exaggerate the negative things in my life and my lack of success.

For example, this past weekend, I kept beating myself up because I had a panic attack after watching a scary movie. I kept obsessing for days that I was going schizophrenic because I got so scared after watching the movie.

I almost totally forgot that the weekend was actually a total success, I successfully took a trip out of town, was a best man in a great wedding and successfully delivered a short speech, I successfully upgraded my dad's computers, and I was able to go for very long walks without having to turn around and come back home! These are all great things! I'm going forward and moving on, and I pat myself on the back for this. So what if I had a panic attack? I've had them before, I'll have them again, and I actually dealt pretty good with this one considering how bad it was, I was able to cope with it using coping skills and the support of my father.

Psychology and Mental Health Classroom at ALLPSYCH Online

This is neat, Allpsych online has courses in basic psychology and texts online that you can take for free. Check them out. They also have a lot of other useful information.
Psychology and Mental Health Classroom at ALLPSYCH Online

Panic disorder

I found this on the NAMI website
Link: Panic disorder

What's happening?

Imagine you've just stepped into an elevator and suddenly your heart races, your chest aches, you break out in a cold sweat and feel as if the elevator is about to crash to the ground. What's happening?
Imagine you are driving home from the grocery store and suddenly things seem to be out of control. You feel hot flashes, things around you blur, you can't tell where you are, and you feel as if you're dying. What's happening?
What's happening is a panic attack, an uncontrollable panic response to ordinary, nonthreatening situations. Panic attacks are often an indication that a person has panic disorder.

Good times, bad times....

Well, the wedding was a great success! I was the best man, and even with my trembling anxiety and disorientation, I was able to stand as best man and even made the traditional best man toast/speech at the dinner reception! (pat myself on the back) and the wedding was very moving, the bride and groom and the preacher or whatever you call him all made very emotional, sincere and moving statements. I'm very proud of my friend and myself, and I wish them both the best in the future.

This entire morning I had really bad dizzy panic/anxiety, I just wanted my dad to drive me back home to my comfort zone so bad, but I knew that was just the anxiety talking.

So, I made my dad and I go for a walk and go out for lunch, and I feel a lot better! I'm finding that even if I'm really dizzy, going out and getting some exercise, breathing the fresh air and looking at the beautiful nature (what's left of it between the apartments and such) really makes the dizziness go away!

So there's ups, there's downs, but I'm learning to cope and stretch myself.

Anxiety BUSTERS!

A reader of HardAnxiety pointed me to the Anxiety BUSTERS program website, and I wanted to quote some things I found there....

Snacking Your Way to Feeling Better-
Make sure you take time out to eat 3 meals a day and have snacks in between. It can be low fat snacks if you're watching your weight but be sure and eat something, especially in the late afternoon hours . Blood sugar tends to drop when you go too long without eating and worrying can add to that drop. You'll be pleasantly surprised as your spirits lift after a protein snack (turkey, chicken, cheese, peanut butter) on a cracker and a glass of juice. Take the late morning or afternoon tensions and calm them with a snack. You'll find the day much easier to negotiate when you keep your blood sugar levels on an even keel.

Take It S L O W...
Rushing promotes stress, which can lead to anxiety symptoms. Take it slow and see how much more you accomplish in the long run...And how much better you feel. Don't hurry through the store, through the day, or through your life. Take the time to see what's around you, and stop running from anxious feelings. Just take it slow and see it through, the right way. Slow's the way to GO.

Put Out The Fire!
The next time you reach for a cigarette to calm an anxious moment just STOP and remember this: Besides the obvious health hazards of cigarettes they are also stimulants due to the nicotine content. Stimulants make your heart beat faster, speed up your system and actually increase anxiety symptoms. The calm feeling one sometimes experiences when taking a deep drag on a cigarette is just that. It's the deep inhalation combined with the slow exhalation through your mouth after you hold it in for a moment. You can do the same exact thing by just breathing in, holding it a moment or two and then slowly letting it out through your mouth. The result is the same relaxed feeling without the negative effects of cigarette smoking!

Give Yourself Permission!
The next time you are troubled by a certain feeling, can't fall asleep, or just want a stubborn symptom to disappear, just GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to experience it. Stop resisting it and surrender to it. Remember, what you resist persists! When it stops mattering so very much you will be pleasantly surprised to notice it disappears.

Dealing with change...

I'm currently on a trip to Las Vegas for a few days so I can stand in a good friend's wedding. So that means, for the first time in a few months, I'm not in my comfort zone, my own home, etc. and I find that very scary. I used to be able to go on trips with no problems, but this is the first multi-day trip I've taken since I moved here, and I didn't realize how difficult it would be going outside my comfort zone.

But that being said, I'm actually doing quite well, I'm using compassionate self-dialog to boost my self-confidence. You see, normally at home I have my own room I can "escape" in. I don't have that right now. But what do I really need to escape from? That's just the anxiety talking. So I tell myself things like, "It's not so bad. What are you really afraid of? The anxiety will pass. Think of this as a vacation, a chance to expand my comfort zone. The weather's actually really nice here."

Compassionate self dialog really helps to prevent the anxiety from becoming a panic attack. I'm glad I'm at the point right now where I can actually believe myself and trust myself when I use compassionate self dialog.

What are Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia, and Anxiety?

I just added a guide to Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia, and Anxiety to better explain my primary disorders. You'll find the link in the guides section to the left, I hope this helps you all better understand just what these disorders are. If you have any further questions, please feel free to email me.

The next step

I'm currently working on the second chapter of my Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence, as well as session three of the Attacking Anxiety program. Both work on issues of self-esteem and negative behavior or inner dialog.

For example, I set myself up for failure by saying such things as "Do my readers really care? Should I even post this? Nobody wants to read about what I'm going through, and I'm feeling anxiety just trying to type all this out." That's negative inner dialog.

So, I replace that thought with compassionate inner dialog by saying something like "I'm writing this because it feels good and is therapeutic for me. What others think doesn't matter, what matters is that it helps me. And it may even help some of my readers, and they may understand and relate."

Just doing something simple like that helps a lot with relieving the anxiety before it spirals into a panic attack.

Today's Panic Attack, part two....

Well, I'm feeling much better now. I got through the panic attack first by asking my cousin, who has been through all this before, what should I do? And she recommended using a cold wash cloth to wipe my face to get rid of the disorientation, which helped, then she handed me a relaxation tape and said to lie down and listen to it. Well, I found I couldn't lie down, so I just put the relaxation tape on with my headphones, and decided to use all that energy to distract myself by unrelentingly cleaning the house until I was sweating and wore out, and that did it! I felt much better after that, still had a little lingering anxiety, but nothing much to speak of.
I'll have to keep remembering things like this to get me through the next ones.

More panic attacks...

My physical panic attacks are happening every day now, really bad dizziness, sweating, feelings of unreality, etc. I'm having a real difficult time with them. Each one feels like it's harder than the previous one, that I won't make it through it. It's very hard to focus, I'm having one right now, but I'm trying to push through it, and use the adrenaline to do something.

This is so difficult for me, unlike my psychological panic attacks, I feel I can't deal with them. My coping mechanisms aren't working. All I've been able to do is try to force myself to sleep through them. Breathing techniques only help for a moment or two.

I went for a bike ride today, and I think it's that physical activity that brought it on, it seems that any physical activity brings on a physical panic attack.

Right now, I just want to cry out to God and ask him to make it stop! I used to be able to ride my bike for miles and miles, and this time I couldn't. What's wrong with me? I know I'm not going crazy, and that this feeling will pass in time, but I can't stand the thought of having to go through this even one more time, I feel like I've already been pushed to the max.

Dealing with anger

Boy this is great! I'll have to do a piece on this because resolving anger and having proper communication is a big topic for me that I've had to deal with all of my life.
Freedom From Fear - :Constructive Tips to Resolve Anger and Conflict:

During stressful times, individuals with anxiety and depression are prone to an intensification of symptoms and oftentimes find themselves in conflict with others. Here are some tips to deal with conflict:

• Act honestly and directly toward others.
  
• Face the problem openly, rather than avoiding or hiding from it.
  
• Avoid personal attacks; stick to the issues.
  
• Emphasize points of agreement as a foundation for discussion of points of argument.
  
• Employ a "rephrasing" style of communication; to be sure you understand each other. ("Let me see if I understand you correctly. Do you mean…?").
  
• Accept responsibility for your own feelings ("I am angry!" not "You made me mad!").
  
• Avoid a "win-lose" position. The attitude that "I am going to win, and you are going to lose" will more likely result in both losing. If you stay flexible, both can win - at least in part.
  
• Gain the same information about the situation. Because perceptions so often differ, it helps to make everything explicit.
  
• Develop goals which are basically compatible. If we both want to preserve the relationship more than to win, we have a better chance!
  
• Clarify the actual needs of both parties in the situation. I probably don't need to win. I do need to gain some specific outcome (behavior change by you, more money), and to retain my self-respect.
  
• Seek solutions rather than deciding who is to blame.
  
• Agree upon some means of negotiation or exchange.
  
• Negotiate toward a mutually acceptable compromise, or simply agree to disagree.
  
  Adapted from Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships, by Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D., and Michael L. Emmons, Ph.D
  
  

I'm ordering this book, and you can too by following the above link.

Research is ongoing

It's great to know that researchers are still looking into and developing new medicines for anxiety and panic attacks...

Freedom From Fear -Anxiety and Depression Hot Topics

Help For Anxiety And Panic Attacks
Anxiety disorders affect more than 19 million adults ages 18 to 54 in the U.S., more than 13 percent of the population in this age group. Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by excessive worry, occurring more days than not for a period of at least six months, accompanied by symptoms such as restlessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension and disturbed sleep. Panic Disorder is a severe anxiety condition characterized by panic attacks, acute episodes of anxiety with such symptoms as difficulty breathing, sweating, heart palpitations, dizziness, and fear of losing control. A new medicine in development may be able to help both those people with cyclopyrrolone class of compounds, which modulate the transmission of gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA). By normalizing the action of GABA in the brain, the medicine may reduce the abnormal neuronal activity associated with anxiety and panic attacks.

Subscription service finally working!

Just a note to let you know that the HardAnxiety email subscription service is finally working now, had to iron out a few bugs....

If you would like to subscribe, enter your email in the small form in the left column and click on subscribe, that's all you have to do, then you will receive daily updates about the HardAnxiety site and what my topics are for that day.

Thanks to Monsur of Bloglet for all your help.

WebMD - Dental Problems Linked to Medication for Depression

WebMD - Dental Problems Linked to Medication for Depression
This is good information for me with my depression and the dry mouth side effect of my medicine.
It's a good thing my depression has all but gone away and I am now using good oral hygeine, including drinking more water and using a flouride rinse.

Kauffman and Keene agree that dry mouth is indeed a problem that must be taken seriously. Keene suggests several ways to prevent dry mouth:

• Practice better home dental care.
  
• Drink more water.
  
• Use a fluoride application.
  
• Schedule more frequent dental visits.

WebMD on Hypoglycemia.... sounds just like anxiety to me!

I'll be looking more into this and speeking with my doctor about it
WebMD

Mild hypoglycemia
The initial symptoms appear as the body responds to the falling blood sugar levels by releasing glucagon, epinephrine (adrenaline), and other hormones. In normal individuals, blood glucose levels when fasting (between meals) are usually between 70 to 150 milligrams per deciliter (mg/dL).3, 4 The symptoms of mild low blood sugar usually develop when the blood sugar falls below 60 to 65 mg/dL. These may include:

• Nausea; extreme hunger.
  
• Feeling nervous or jittery.
  
• Cold, clammy, wet skin; excessive sweating that is not caused by exercise.
  
• A rapid heartbeat (tachycardia)
  
• Numbness or tingling of the fingertips or lips.
  
• Trembling.

Moderate hypoglycemia,
If blood sugar levels continue to fall, the lack of adequate glucose begins to impair brain and nervous system functions. Additional symptoms appear that affect behavior and judgment. Symptoms usually develop when the blood sugar falls below 50 mg/dL. These may include:

• Mood changes, such as irritability, anxiety, restlessness, or anger.
  
• Confusion, difficulty in thinking, or inability to concentrate.
  
• Blurred vision, dizziness, or headache.
  
• Weakness, lack of energy.
  
• Poor coordination.
  
• Difficulty walking or talking, such as staggering or slurred speech.
  
• Fatigue, lethargy, or drowsiness.
  

Note: A person experiencing moderate hypoglycemia may be too weak or confused to treat the low blood sugar and may need help.

Panic attacks are changing....

Man, I've noticed that my panic attacks are changing. They're becoming less of a psychological shock and more of a physical shock. So the symptoms I now experience are heart palpitations, dizziness, difficulty catching my breath, feeling nauseous, trembling, etc. I find these are more difficult to get through than my past experiences with panic attacks because they are so different my coping mechanisms haven't adjusted to them.

The one I just had a few hours ago really freaked me out, it occurred right after I got home from a long walk to the grocery store. My cousin-in-law suggested that I try and lay down, which at the time I hadn't thought of, but that was a good idea. So I tried that, but I couldn't sit still, I kept getting up because of the physical symptoms. So I finally took my emergency dose of Benzodiazepine and one of my sleeping pills so that I could just lie down and sleep through it, and that worked wonders. I slept for two hours, and woke up feeling refreshed.

I'm going to talk to my doctor about this one, about whether I should really take my sleeping pill to get through a severe panic attack or not and see what he thinks.

Need to start working on my diet

Now that my meds are starting to work better, I need to work on my diet and exercise. I'm going to start drinking protein shakes and try to pay attention to my blood sugar level, I was diagnosed in the past with borderline hypoglycemia so I have to take that into account.

I just took a really quick dip in the pool, man was it cold! But it sure did wake me up and give me a boost of energy to get out of the morning slumps. I tend to wake up very groggy, which I think is related to my blood sugar level.

Overall good day...

Overall, it's been a pretty good day, I tried a new thing, I played my relaxation tape while I took a shower, and that really helped me concentrate, or relax, while I was showering, and overcame a lot of the anxiety I normally experience while showering.
I also took a really long bike ride, with no muscle tension! Woo Hoo! Just put on my headphones and rode for a few miles, with no real anxiety to speak of, isn't that great! I had some anxiety after I got back, thinking that I couldn't do it again, but that's just my normal negative inner dialog that I have to work on.

Relaxation tapes... finally working!

I'm finally to the point where I can listen to my relaxation tapes and actually relax with them. The side effects of my meds are starting to wear off, and I can concentrate for longer periods of time now. What a relief! My anxiety level is still averaging around level 4, but at least it's not been going above that for a while, even with the added anxiety of the war and all. I'm also noticing that my moods have been less affected by those around me, in other words my codependency, self-esteem and boundaries are improving. The relaxation tape I listen to has a lot to do with all of this I believe, I try and listen to it every day or more often if I can.

An experimental ride through a panic attack.

I realized that I had been pushing myself through the anxiety for too long, that I was actually denying that I was about to have a panic attack for over a month. I just kept pushing through it, and thought that I was doing good.
But I think all I was really doing was trapping that energy inside of me. I knew I had to get it out. So I went upstairs into my room, turned off the lights, curled up on the floor and held my teddy bear for almost twenty minutes.
That helped me feel loved, but it didn’t do anything for the anxiety. I thought I could just ride this out until I was tired from the energy but it wasn’t happening.
So I got up, paced for a little while, then started saying “Bring it on! Bring it on you bastard!”
Boy that started sending chills through my body, all tingly. But the anxiety was still there.
I grabbed a flexible mirror so I could look myself in the eyes and said again, “Bring it on!” quite a few times in a very firm voice. I even went as far as to punch the mirror. (Thank god it wasn’t a real mirror, just one of those paper-backed ones).
But the anxiety was still there, laughing me in the face.
Right there, I almost gave up to go just push through it and deny it like normal.
Then it hit me. I was scared as hell. What do most people do when they’re scared as all hell? They run for their lives! That’s it! I had to run for my life!
So I grabbed my wool sweater and sneakers, went outside, and ran for my life. Literally. As far and as fast as my wobbly, clenched up muscles would take me.
And that did it. It took away my energy. I still had a lot of brain energy, mind you, but it wasn’t quite so much fear, my body was spent.
So then I came back inside, and without a word to my cousin, came up here and wrote all this down.

Yet another med added to my list....

My doctor just gave me a prescription sleeping drug to help with my frequent insomnia. They say it's almost a miracle drug, with little to no side effects or drug interaction problems, so I have good hope for this one. I've had so much trouble with sleeping for so long, it would be a real blessing to get a normal night's sleep.
Wish me luck!

Hard trip to the therapist...

I had a hard trip to and from the therapist today, seeing as how I had to walk almost a mile each way, I was having severe muscle contractions that made me walk funny, and anxiety that people might think I'm loony. I almost stopped a few times and called my cousin to pick me up on the side of the road, but I made it through it with courage and determination!

Made it through the first part of my workbook!

I finally made it through the first chapter of my workbook, writing out my codependent history of childhood abuses and how I reacted to them then versus how I react or act out on them now. It's a milestone for me, because it was long and hard to do emotionally and I frequently had to put it off to deal with the emotions that it brought up. Now I'm on to the next part, where I begin to work on boundary issues. Boundaries have always been troublesome for me, because I didn't really have any. Instead of proper functional boundaries I had either tall brick walls or a complete lack of walls.
When I sense that I have crossed another's boundary or my own boundaries have been crossed, or more accurately when I sense I should have a boundary where I didn't, this causes a shame or guilt conflict within me which leads to an anxiety reaction.

I'll quote from the book to better describe boundaries...

Functional adults use intact, flexible boundaries to protect themselves externally and internally and to keep from transgressing the boundaries of and authentically offending others....
The external boundary system is an invisible and symbolic "fence" that we can use to keep people from coming too close to our bodies and keep us from crowding others physically. The external boundary system has two subparts: the physical and the sexual boundaries....
The internal boundary system functions like a filter to protect our thinking, feelings, and behavior. People who have healthy internal boundaries know that they are responsible for what they think, feel, and do, and that no one else makes the think, feel, or do anything. People with impaired internal boundaries blame others for what they think, feel, or do, and on the other hand they often inappropriately take responsibility for the the thoughts, feelings, and behavior of others. People with impaired internal boundaries either can't say no to others and are constantly used or abused, or they put up inflexible walls and can't let anyone get close to them emotionally.

Quoted from Pia Mellody and Andrea Wells Miller from Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence.

So without healthy boundaries, I am unable to experience my own reality. The reality of others is imposed upon me, or I impose my reality on others in an immoderate way. Kind of like over-reacting or under-reacting. I'm excited about working through this, this next chapter is long but the book has been doing a great job for me so far and from flipping through the next chapter I can see that this will really teach me some good, healthy and functional behaviors.

More links and forums....

I found a couple more links and forums and posted them on my links page.

Fear is the Mind-Killer

The Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear. Quoted from
Dune by Frank Herbert.
This is a great mantra to use against fear, and one of my favorites, and is good for use against anxiety.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Keeping busy and resolving worry helps

Last night I had the usual sleeping problem, and I woke up very groggy, dizzy, and anxious. I dreaded the day, I didn't want it to be another one of those days, but I pushed through it. I went grocery shopping with my cousin, visited my aunt for a moment, then came back home, socialized with the neighbors a bit and cleaned the house, and then I realized that I felt good! Keeping busy really helped my mood and made me forget that I was dreading the day, and the anxiety and the dizziness were mostly gone. Oh, and don't let me forget, last night we were actually able to jump in the pool so I got a little exercise, yeah!

But all this brings me to another topic. Last Thursday, I was worrying to the point of anxiety and almost panic wondering how I'm going to see my psychiatrist and my therapist if I can't drive? Their schedules are booked solid weeks ahead so I can't switch my appointments to the evening when my cousin can drive me. This had me really worried and I obsessed about it all day. I gave myself further anxiety because I knew my cousin was already stressed at work and couldn't take enough time off of work to take me to my appointments during the day, I even dreaded asking her if she could do it or help me find a way through this mess.

So how did I resolve all of this? When my cousin got home, I let her settle in then I let her vent to me all her frustrations from work, let her get it all out. But this time when I listened, I stayed focused on the conversation and didn't let my mind drift and obsess on what I was really worried about, I gave her the same compassion and listening that I would want from others.

When she was finished, I told her that I was very worried about not being able to get to my doctor appointments, and she was real receptive, and she was able to come up with a novel suggestion. How about on the days that I have my appointments, I just stay at my Aunt's place which is only a couple of blocks away from the doctors, and either walk or ride my bicycle to the appointments? What a novel idea! I was so obsessed with the problem that I couldn't come up with a solution. Furthermore, normally I wouldn't have even brought up this subject with her, because my anxiety would have dreaded that the subject might cause more stress in the household, that I was increasing my dependency on my family and specifically my cousin.

But actually voicing what I was worried about, and being open and flexible to new ideas took the anxiety away!

This all seems so simple, but to my racing, obsessing, worried and anxious mind, something this simple is quite a breakthrough.

Added Coping Skills page...

I just added a page that lists some of my common coping skills for dealing with daily anxiety. You'll find the link in the guides section on the left column.

Help!

I'm trying to get my subscription service through Bloglet to work, but I keep getting errors and it's not sending out emails to people who have subscribed to this site. I'm a complete newbie to XML and RSS, so if you have any tips please let me know.
Thanks!

I feel good

Just wanted to say I feel good right now. I realized some things about my not being able to drive - it'll save me money on gas, save me from liability issues and it will give me more inspiration to get over the dizziness and panic to actually go for longer walks.

I also just listened to the first tape in the "Attacking Anxiety" program put on by the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety. I haven't listened to these tapes in a long time, and it made me feel better, helped to realize that I'm not psychotic, I just have an emotional disorder, and that I can get through it.

It's like step one in Codependents Anonymous, where I admit that I am powerless over others and that my life has become unmanageable. Just being able to admit that releases a lot of anxiety.

I also again realized how perfectionistic I am, obsessing over things like this website, "Is my HTML code good enough? Do I have enough Content? Did I type that post just right?" Today I am giving myself some permission to be less perfectionistic. Perfectionism leads to so much of my anxiety, I don't want to do anything unless I can do it perfect. Releasing myself from that perfectionism is hard, so I'm doing it in baby steps. Allowing myself to be content with a good job and not fret over whether it was perfect or not. When I avoid things because I feel I can't do them perfectly, things just pile up on my to-do list and this leads to even more stress and anxiety.

Updates

I updated the links page to add a few links, including a link to a good forum I found at the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety. I also tweaked a couple of the other pages.

Today

Today was really difficult for me, because I didn't get any sleep. My dizziness and anxiety were really bad. I tried to drive to the post office to deliver a package, but I only got half way there before turning around because I realized that I wasn't fit to drive. I was so pissed off, because I'm so sick of being house-bound, I need some exercise and I need to get out, but I can't do that because of the dizziness, and all this just makes my anxiety sky-rocket. No way to burn off the energy of the anxiety, and no way to get to sleep other than force myself to lay there on the bed because I can't stand up straight half the time.

But things turned around when my cousin and aunt came home, I vented to them a little bit and my cousin made me a bubble-bath and gave me some bath toys to play with, and at first I didn't want to do it, the "voices" kept telling me I'm too old for this, or this is foolish, or I might hurt myself getting into the bathtub, etc, but I was finally able to relax and play a bit, and this worked almost like a miracle. Totally improved my mood and the dizziness actually went away enough for me to take a shower afterwards, then my cousin drove us out to get some Chinese take-out, which really hit the spot.

Right now, I'm feeling a little better, I think I may be able to get to sleep before 2am if I'm lucky. I spoke with the RN at my clinic and she said she'll see if she can get the doctor to give me a script for a pill that will put me to sleep at night.

Ugh, more drugs, but what can I do when the insomnia breaks down my coping mechanisms? My aunt gave me a lecture saying that I shouldn't drive whatsoever, not even after the side effects where off because if I'm in an accident with all these meds in me, I'll be liable no matter what, was her logic.

But my thinking is, I know my limits and I can handle it. I can't be housebound forever, and I'll be on meds probably the rest of my life, which is fine with me if they help me.

Last Night

Last night was really difficult for me, had real bad insomnia, it was just driving me nuts! I thought some more about my cousin's suggestion that I just scream into a pillow at night if I'm feeling this way. Well, I couldn't get myself to scream, but I did talk into a pillow. I held and cradled the pillow as if I was holding myself as a baby, and just talked to the-baby-that-was-me and comforted him and rocked him back and forth and told him how much I love him and that I know how difficult it is and that I will never leave him and I will protect him and love him. This helped improve my mood a lot, but it still wasn't until like after 3 am that I actually fell asleep. I need to connect with my inner child and continue to develop that self-love and my self-parenting skills.

Chatrooms? Anybody? Anybody?....

As a reader of HardAnxiety pointed out today, it's very difficult to find an active chatroom or forum about anxiety issues, where people like myself can just share what they're going through and just let it all out so to speak.

If any of you know of a good chatroom, please do let me know by emailing me at davidlutz@moetop.com
Then I will post any good ones I find on this website for future reference.

Thanks!

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

The Life of Brian: Song Lyrics
This song always cheers me up.

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the light side of life.
[whistling]
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistling]
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.
So,...
Always look on the bright side of death,
[whistling]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistling]
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the right side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistling]

Napping away...

I woke up at 5:30 this morning and started pacing again with probably close to level 8 anxiety, so I took a nap and now I feel better. I find often that taking a nap really helps me got through the anxiety and usually leaves me feeling much better, especially when the levels are high. I also just got a call back from the RN at the doctors office, she OK'd me to increase my dosage of my benzodiazepine until I hear otherwise from my doctor.

Footsteps In The Sand

My mom reminded me of this poem the other day, author unknown....

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was
walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints
in the sand:one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him
he looked back, at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed
that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it:
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that
during the most troublesome times in my life there is
only one set of footprints.I don't understand why
when I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied: "My son, My precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you,
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Bring it on....

I wasn't able to talk to my doctors today, they were too busy so they're supposed to call me back tomorrow, I couldn't drive there because my panic was so bad, I've been freaking out all day. My cousin, who spent 7 years housebound with her anxiety, told me that I have to get to a point where I can tell my anxiety to "Bring it on!"

I don't think I can do that yet, the last I want is more of it! But I can see her point, she says when she got to that point it was a major turning point for her in her recovery from anxiety.

Morning

I got myself up this morning, had breakfast with my fiber supplement, and before I let myself have a cigarette, I went for a short bike ride. Anxiety level is still above 5, the doctors office doesn't open for a while yet, but I thought I'd post that I was able to get on my bike before the morning anxiety really started kicking in, I hope it's a habit I can get into.

Franklin D. Roosevelt Quote: The Fear of Fear

Franklin D. Roosevelt in his first inaugural address stated the following in 1933

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

How true this is for me as an individual.

Am I over-reacting? Or the fear of fear?

Aside from the time today outside that my anxiety got down to level 3 and my depression got a little better, my anxiety level has pretty much been stuck near level 8. Back on February 25th, my psychiatrist switched me to a new Benzodiazepine (a drug that has fast acting relief of anxiety and depression, but has a high possibility of over-use and addiction) which allowed me to feel a LOT better, lowered my depression till it was all but gone and decreased my anxiety an average of a few levels. Then, on March 5th, he increased my Atypical Antipsychotic medication, and ever since then it's as if I was never on the Benzodiazepine.

{Ed. note: The National Alliance for the Mentally ill has a good site listing information about common medicines for people with symptoms like mine.)

This past Saturday at like 1 am I wrote my therapist an extremely long e-mail explaining my distress, but he hasn't read it yet. I'm afraid to make an appointment with the psychiatrist for financial reasons, another appointment would be a financial burden on the family even though they encourage me very well to get the help I need.

So, am I over-reacting and just need to wait another week as I get used to the Atypical Antipsychotic medication increase, and the Benzodiazepine will then work normally?

Normally, my approach to finding out if I'm over-reacting is to wait a few days and see if my reaction stays the same before acting on it. Well, my reaction is the same for about 4-5 days now, so I guess I might not be over-reacting, but that's often my problem, I over-react or under-react to situations and emotions.

So, I've committed myself to going to the clinic tomorrow, assuming I can drive, and talk to the nurse, see what she says, and I'll see if there are any cancelation openings for my therapist.

Especailly since my sleeping has been bad, I've been having nightmares I don't remember, sweating and kicking, and grinding my teeth at night. I'm supposed to wear an appliance to keep from grinding my teeth at night, but I'm often too depressed to even care enough to wear it, which is another thing I'm going to bring up with my therapist, it's part of my overall hygeine problem.

It's all made me think of the famous phrase, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself!" That's got special meaning for me, the fear of fear often drives me.

Got some fresh air today!

I got some good, long, fresh air today planting flowers and such in the backyard, being casual about it, it was so great! It was hard at first, my anticipatory anxiety had me at level 4 plus I was a little bit dizzy from my meds so I almost stayed in bed all day, but I didn't want to do that either, so I decided to push my way through my anxiety, and told myself that if I do go out and help plant flowers I can go to the drugstore and pick up a frame for one of my favorite pictures. Boy, I'm glad I did push through it, being outside in the beautiful day decreased my anxiety by two levels and decreased my depression quite a bit, putting me in a much better mood overall. Sometimes it's the little things that count the most.

I also chatted with my mom, my step-dad and my real dad today, sounds like they're all doing well; we're all talking to each other better now. I used to have such anxiety about talking to my parents, but not so much anymore that I've been working through my codependency, self-parenting and anxiety recovery.

Focus, or lack there of, or something....

I find myself in an internal struggle. Which aspects of my disorders do I focus on? The panic attacks and general anxiety? The obsessive compulsive? The codependency? All three at once? I keep changing my mind, and all too often I just spend time pacing back and forth thinking about it and not doing much about it. They're all tied together at the core, and each one affects the other.

My anxiety has been at or close to level 8 for about 3 days now, I still can't sleep for more than 3-4 hours at a time, so it makes it very difficult for me to read my self-help books. I feel like I've run out of time to fix my disorders, that I should no longer be shut in the house and I should be working by now.

But right now I have my time to work on myself, and that's what I'll do. I've come to the conclusion it doesn't matter which aspect I focus on, as long as I work on me in some way then I'm doing something valuable. Even if it's just coping with the anxiety on a daily basis and learning to adjust to my medications and having a little patience with myself. Patience is so important, but it's tough to have patience when I just want to scream in frustration.

Ah, screaming.... so many people have told me that I should scream once in a while to let it all out, let the tension out, but I never have. I'm too worried that someone will hear me, but so many have told me to just shout it out and I'll feel so much better. A psychic once told me I need to go out in the woods and scream it all out, many years ago, but I never did. My cousin recently and repeatedly told me I should do it and said it would be OK to do it. Maybe I'll try that. But they're sleeping right now the last thing I want to do is wake them up when they have a lot of work to do tomorrow.

So I'll keep thinking about shouting it out, and maybe on Monday when they are both at work I'll try it.

Updated Codependency Page

The Codependency page has been updated with more information and links. Recovering from codependency continues to reveal many hidden issues within myself, but also greatly improves my relationships with people, especially my family. I'm learning to express and recieve love from my family without having to resort to subtle manipulation. I admit I am powerless over others. I admit that my life is unmanageable.
In fact just yesterday my mom and I were talking on the phone and saying how we actually feel we are a family now, and how wonderful it is that we can encourage and support each other. That's a great feeling.

2 new guides published

I just published two new guides to the site. The first is about the Fight-or-Flight response and how it relates to panic/anxiety disorders. The second is about "What if?" thinking and the positives and negatives of that. They're both good reads, if I say so myself. Oh, I just did. :)

Star Trek Personality Test -- Results

I took a personality test that's a parody of the famous Myers-Briggs personality test while remaining quite accurate, using questions and results based on Star Trek characters and scenarios. By the way, I am a huge Star Trek fan, and I think the results I quoted below are very accurate.

Myers-Briggs would say that you are an ISTJ (Introvert, Sensor, Thinker, Judger). In Star Trek language, you share a basic personality configuration with Spock and Miles O'Brien.

People like you are generally logical, honest and upfront. You get impatient with phonies and people who are disorganized, though you keep your reactions to yourself, as you're usually cautious and quiet, though not timid. Others find you reliable and will count on your being there in times of need. You make a loyal and responsible friend, though only when others remember that you're conservative in nature.

You're literal, realistic, and practical. You're a hard worker who does very well in highly detailed situations, as you're careful and precise.

You are also somewhat resistant to change and comfortable with routine. When change occurs, you'll be the last one to fit it into your routine, but you'll become an expert in time. You work much better to adapt to change when you see practical benefits.

Your primary goal in life is to be of service and do your job well. Your best rewards are to be listened to and to be acknowledged for your hard work.

Good careers for your type are operations officer, chief information officer, database administrator, police detective, and science officer.

Happy feelings and permission

Again I'm obsessed with thinking about everything I have to do, and it's bringing me down. Thinking about all the things I have to do depresses me and gives me anxiety. Using a to-do list helps, but not enough, I still get so obsessed about things. But what I really need to do right now is to make myself happy. No, make is the wrong verb to use. Perhaps allow myself to be happy. Give myself permission to feel good. That's a big step for me, giving myself permission to feel good. And giving myself the permission to occasionally not be so perfectionistic about doing every little thing in just the right way. Today, I will give myself permission to relax a little and not obsess.

Need to vent...

Man I just need to vent. My moods are swinging faster than I can shake a stick. I'm sure it's a combination of my smoking, my poor eating habits, something else I can't remember, oh yeah, the fact I can't sleep a whole night through for quite a while now, just spurts at a time, and adjusting to my meds. My panic is driving me nuts, I've got all the doors double-locked for fear of someone coming in, I'm afraid if someone might knock on the door, I'm afraid the phone might ring, I'm afraid.... and I want so much to work on my recovery from codependence. I want so much to work on my dysfunctional problems, I've got a great workbook and other reading to do on the subject, and I want to do these things, but I can't, I feel weak, I feel that I've already been through too many emotional ups and downs, I feel I can't open any more doors inside of me or break down any more walls, I'm afraid of the emotions that might result, because I feel I don't have anyone right here right now this moment who can hold me in their arms and let me just vent those emotions to them for hours on end and cry in fear, cry in pain, cry in sorrow, and cry in joy. I'm using avoidance behaviors that are based in my anxiety disorder to keep me from working further on my recovery. God, I'm sick of this! Sick to death it seems.... but I've felt this way before, I'll feel this way again. I just want so much for my mood to stabilize today. I want it right now. I don't care what mood it is, I just want it to be stable, for at least a few hours, just that, can I have that please?

You know, I just totally forgot about my off-line journal, I usually do most of my venting there, and today I completely forgot I had it. This panic stuff can make me forget so many things. I forget peoples names. I forget what people just told me 5 seconds ago. With all of these voices in my head I can't always here everything people tell me, it's like I only catch 90% of their words because the rest is drowned out in my own inner voices (again, not the schizophrenic type, the negative inner-dialog type). Hehehehe, like I have to put that note in there so nobody thinks I am really psychotic. But fuck it, I am who I am. I have my struggles, my journeys, my emotions, my triumphs, my sorrows, my goals, and my love. I'm a very loving, caring, thoughtful and intelligent person. I'll get through this. It's just a day, there's always tomorrow. And if tomorrow is like today, then I'll get through that till the next day. I've set very high unrealistic goals for my recovery, I know I'll never make it to the perfection that I want and think I need. But I'll get through life anyway. And I'll enjoy some of it too. And the further I go, the more often I'll enjoy it. And I'll look back to today and say, man, I had a lot of courage to say and do these things. I had big balls to face my inner demons and bring them out into the open. I had guts to learn that I can control how I react to situations and things people say. These panic attacks are not me. They are not what I am. What I am is special. I'm a golden soul, gliding on wings of confidence. Today, right now I say to myself I am not a SURVIVOR, I am a LIVER of life. (no, not the body part, I mean live life, not just survive it)

This moment I have this opportunity to vent. There doesn't have to be another person to comfort me, I can comfort myself. It's called self-parenting. My feelings cannot be based on the comfortings of others. Yes my feelings can be affected by that, but I don't NEED another person in the way that I need MYSELF to comfort me. It's a hard, difficult lesson for me to learn, and it's a lesson I've forgotten many, many times, but it's the truth. My inner child can be comforted by me because I love myself. I'm proud of myself, my accomplishments, my courage, my love. First and foremost there is self-love. My inner demons don't want me to have self-love, they want self-loathing, but that's just to bad for them! Self-Love is first and foremost, and encouragement, love, support from others is important but secondary to self-love.

I love all of you. You all have your troubles, your struggles, your failures and character faults. But I can and do still love you. How can I forgive other people's faults and not my own? Because of my dysfunctional thinking. But for this moment, I will, and am thinking functionally, and I say to myself: I have my problems, but I still love I.

Rodney's Painted Pen...

Here's something I found on a website written by a reader of HardAnxiety, that inspired me, I think this is a good way of approaching each day, similar to the things I've been learning and telling myself, to cherish each moment.

Rodney's Painted Pen

Geez, I just cant catch a bit a damn luck this day it would seem, I hope your faring better on your voyage of day, make it a valuable and rich excursion, always being cognizant of this fact in time, we are never guaranteed the voyage will continue on the morrow, so make today a rich one, and tell everyone that you love, that yes, you love em a bunch... thanks for letting me pitch my bitch today, go ahead and feel free to pitch yours.

What a morning....

It's been a hectic morning for me, so much going on, so much to do, so much to say, so much to think about....wait, oh yeah, that's just my anxiety talking. Obsessive anxious thoughts. But on to the good things! I got a little bit of sleep last night! Yeah! And I was able to conquer my panic attack this morning enough to go for a short bicycle ride and a trip to the store. Mind you it was quick and nerve wracking the whole way, but I have to give myself a pat on the back for doing that.
I spent a lot of time thinking during the ride I took that what's wrong with me? I used to be able to bike for miles and miles, and drive for hours, and work a full-time job, blah, blah, blah, and now a short bike ride gives me a mild panic attack!
It's about patience, my dear self, patience that yes, my body does need time to adjust to the medication changes, and yes, patience as I do my self-discovery and open old wounds to heal them, and patience as I learn to nurture myself. =:o)

What would you like to see on this website?

Anything you would like to know or see on this site? Want more information about a particular topic? Think I should post something on a subject? Just drop me an e-mail, and I'll be happy to consider your request.

Highs and Lows...

I'm feeling some manic highs and panic/depression lows as I continue to get used to the continuing changes in my medications, but that's to be expected. I almost feel as though I'm becoming temporarily bi-polar. But I am so glad for the manic highs, they allow me to know now what it means to feel good. It's a feeling I've never really had before. They're not highs in the sense of being stoned on some illegal substance, but highs in the normal sense of feeling a normal good feeling. By feeling those, I can better gauge the rest of my emotions and it relieves me of my suicidal ideations because now I know that I CAN feel better and that this is all temporary.
I wonder if the people around me think I'm weird as I go through my highs and lows, but hey, my body just needs to adjust and it's not that big of a deal. It's all a learning experience for all of us anyways.

Updated history of my disorder page...

Just a note to say I edited the history of my disorder page and inserted some more comments now that I'm starting to have a clearer memory of my past.

New psycotherapy approach

I met with my therapist yesterday and had a good session. We're going to focus on one issue using two approaches simultaneously for the next month. One approach is a pop-psychology approach (he's normally not fond of pop psychology but thinks it will work in my case) where I learn some self parenting techniques using an inner-child approach that's popularized in John Bradshaw's books, to work on my inner demons and sense of self love. The other approach is a cognitive-behavioral approach in which I work on my hygiene and eating habits/phobias. For the short term we made a goal for one month to get me on a schedule where I actually eat 3 meals a day, even if it's junk food or whatever, just so I can get used to feeding myself since I've normally only been feeding myself once a day. Also, to get me to take a shower every day when my cousin is at home in the late afternoon and I'm at the peak of my medicine so the anxiety about that won't be so great. It's all baby-step approaches, but I believe in the baby step approach. The long-term goal of both of these approaches is to get me to actually want to eat right and take care of myself not because I have to, but because I feel it's right to do so. All this makes me feel wonderful that I can work on a baby-step approach, because in the past when I entered into recovery I wanted it all and I wanted it right away and I tried to change things too fast and too many things at once and it ended with me being worse in the long run, although I learned a lot about myself by doing that. I'm glad I'm going to a good clinic with good practitioners. I even signed up for a group therapy session that one of the doctors at the clinic is putting on, since CoDA no longer has any groups in my area.

Nurturing Inventory

The workbook I'm currently using has me creating a spreadsheet of sorts of the abusive events of my past and list how I reacted to them in the past and how I react to those past events today. But I decided to take it a step further, and create a second spreadsheet, listing nurturing, positive, loving things that happened in my life. This is a great therapeutic thing for me. It keeps me out of the blame cycle, where I can fall into position of blaming the past for my condition, and not just acknowledge the bad things but re-affirm all the good things in life. Doing so cheers me up, brings up some great cherished memories, and also gives me something to look to to cheer me up when I fall into my deep, dark, depressive episodes. I'm not going to post either of these spreadsheets to the site because they are too personal, but I wanted to post how therapeutic it is to do such a thing.

Sleepless nights...

I've had lots of sleepless nights, I've only gotten 2 hours of sleep last night, which isn't unusual for me lately. I keep getting up and pacing, pacing, pacing, which is a symptom of my obsessive-compulsive disorder. Hopefully that will improve as I get more used to my medicine and get further in my recovery so I can get a job and get back to a normal schedule.

Added subscription link

Under my book recommendations I added a subscription button so you can get e-mail postings each time I update the site with a new post. Just a cool feature I wanted to try out.

It gets worse before it gets better...

The weekend of the 21st through 23rd (February) was a real lesson for me in the oft-heard phrase about recovery, that it gets worse before it gets better. A good friend told me today it's like climbing a mountain. As you get close to the peak, the climb gets harder and you get discouraged from the fatigue and shortness of breath but once you get there the view is fantastic, and the downhill climb is easier, but you still have rough spots and have to be careful.
Friday the 21st I got extremely depressed, almost suicidal. This was due to my obsessive, intrusive thought patterns, and a rage issue that I've recently come to grips with. I was feeling so bad I was raging against myself and the world because of how bad I felt. Something I call the "Dark Side".
This severe depression and internal rage continued until late Sunday night the 23rd, when around midnight I called a suicide hotline. This was after taking an overdose of my anti-anxiety medication, because I really didn't care and I desperately needed help. I didn't down the whole bottle or anything, just enough that I knew might really kick me out of the mood because I had come to tolerate my normal dose and the normal dose didn't work much anymore.
I called the suicide hotline just because I needed someone neutral to talk to that late at night with my disturbing thoughts and I needed reassurance and didn't want to wake up my cousin and her husband. And I told them I didn't want to kill myself, just talked, and I inadvertently told them about my overdose and they almost insisted on sending the police over. I refused to let them do that. They were concerned about my health with the overdose, but I knew my limits and I wasn't having any side effects. So they made me promise to wake up my cousin and talk to her about it and have her take me to the hospital.
So we talked, took my blood pressure which was in normal levels, and drove to my aunt's house because she's an RN. We decided I wasn't yet having any adverse reactions to the OD, and that we would make an appointment to see my therapist and psychiatrist first thing in the morning. But I didn't tell either of them about the real, nasty, disturbing, raging thoughts that were going through my head, I didn't want to shock them or scare them anymore than they already might be. My Aunt stayed with me through the night and went with me to see my therapist the next day, and I let it all out to him.
So how did I get through all this to get close to the peak of the mountain? First, by not letting my rage become external and hurt anything or anyone, but instead by writing all my thoughts out in a free-flowing manner on paper, just letting it all out, every bit of it. Secondly, a day later, by analyzing those thoughts and making a list of how I wanted to approach getting through this episode. Lastly, by asking for, and getting help from my therapist, and brining what I had written with me so he could understand. And seeing my psychiatrist and making big changes to my medications, and scheduling follow-up appointments.
There is hope to get to the peak of the mountain and see the beautiful view at the top of the world, and relaxation but determination to make it back down to the other side of the mountain safely. I really hit to the core of my depression issue with this, and I am very happy for having this terrifying experience.
Soon, I will write a breakthrough feature about my experience with my Dark Side and dealing with it.

Can't sit still...

I'm finding that I have a hard time sitting still, for example I can't sit through a movie because of the anxious energy of my anxiety. I think part of that is due to my medication as well, it's something I'm going to have to try and work on because I used to just love watching movies.

Links page update

I updated the links page to include descriptions of the links. Periodically in the future I'll add more links, as I am finally starting to find some really great resources on the web.

Added codependency page

I just added a page describing my codependency dysfunction that will help other people understand what it is and what the symptoms are.

Added poem

Just a quick note that I added a poem to the website. This is a poem I wrote when I was around the age of 18 when I was very inspired, the words for the poem just came to me from almost nowhere, but I believe it is a true expression of an early beginning to my road to recovery.

Guilty thoughts and boundaries...

I had to take a break from shoveling the dirt around the trees because I was starting to feel dizzy, disoriented, and have a few muscle contractions. So my dysfunctional thought patterns had me thinking I'm lazy, guilt for not helping, and shame that I can't help. I'm getting through these thoughts by re-affirming to myself that it's OK to be concerned for my health, and hey, what good would I be if I kept shoveling and fell flat on my face? And also telling myself that my cousin-in-law understands and isn't bothered by my needing to take a break and isn't offended about it. Also reaffirming that it's OK to have a functional boundary for my health concerns and that the thoughts of others shouldn't take precedence over my health.

Sunday mornig

I spent a lot of time outside yesterday (it was very sunny and nice), playing with the dog and helping the family plant some trees. It was difficult due to the dizziness of the side effects and my obsessive thought patterns got in the way a bit (making me pace a lot), but overall it was good therapy to be outside with the animals and planting trees, I was glad to finally get some physical exercise. In the evening we had a nice dinner and after that went and sat in the hot tub for a while and then warmed up next to the fire. It was difficult for me to enjoy the hot tub, because my self-esteem issues and compulsive thoughts make me believe I don't deserve to relax like that and enjoy life's simple pleasures, I had to actually force myself to enjoy the hot tub and fire, and I'm glad that I did. And last night was the first time I got a full nights rest in a very long time! Today looks to be more of the same we still have lots of trees to plant and other work in the yard. I probably won't get to do more site updates until Monday. Till then, hi to all and thanks for all of your support!

Side effects are improving!

Just wanted to post that my side effects are starting to improve and I'll start updating the site with new features today and tomorrow, that is if I don't spend too much time outside enjoying the beautiful day! :-)