Need to vent...

Man I just need to vent. My moods are swinging faster than I can shake a stick. I'm sure it's a combination of my smoking, my poor eating habits, something else I can't remember, oh yeah, the fact I can't sleep a whole night through for quite a while now, just spurts at a time, and adjusting to my meds. My panic is driving me nuts, I've got all the doors double-locked for fear of someone coming in, I'm afraid if someone might knock on the door, I'm afraid the phone might ring, I'm afraid.... and I want so much to work on my recovery from codependence. I want so much to work on my dysfunctional problems, I've got a great workbook and other reading to do on the subject, and I want to do these things, but I can't, I feel weak, I feel that I've already been through too many emotional ups and downs, I feel I can't open any more doors inside of me or break down any more walls, I'm afraid of the emotions that might result, because I feel I don't have anyone right here right now this moment who can hold me in their arms and let me just vent those emotions to them for hours on end and cry in fear, cry in pain, cry in sorrow, and cry in joy. I'm using avoidance behaviors that are based in my anxiety disorder to keep me from working further on my recovery. God, I'm sick of this! Sick to death it seems.... but I've felt this way before, I'll feel this way again. I just want so much for my mood to stabilize today. I want it right now. I don't care what mood it is, I just want it to be stable, for at least a few hours, just that, can I have that please?

You know, I just totally forgot about my off-line journal, I usually do most of my venting there, and today I completely forgot I had it. This panic stuff can make me forget so many things. I forget peoples names. I forget what people just told me 5 seconds ago. With all of these voices in my head I can't always here everything people tell me, it's like I only catch 90% of their words because the rest is drowned out in my own inner voices (again, not the schizophrenic type, the negative inner-dialog type). Hehehehe, like I have to put that note in there so nobody thinks I am really psychotic. But fuck it, I am who I am. I have my struggles, my journeys, my emotions, my triumphs, my sorrows, my goals, and my love. I'm a very loving, caring, thoughtful and intelligent person. I'll get through this. It's just a day, there's always tomorrow. And if tomorrow is like today, then I'll get through that till the next day. I've set very high unrealistic goals for my recovery, I know I'll never make it to the perfection that I want and think I need. But I'll get through life anyway. And I'll enjoy some of it too. And the further I go, the more often I'll enjoy it. And I'll look back to today and say, man, I had a lot of courage to say and do these things. I had big balls to face my inner demons and bring them out into the open. I had guts to learn that I can control how I react to situations and things people say. These panic attacks are not me. They are not what I am. What I am is special. I'm a golden soul, gliding on wings of confidence. Today, right now I say to myself I am not a SURVIVOR, I am a LIVER of life. (no, not the body part, I mean live life, not just survive it)

This moment I have this opportunity to vent. There doesn't have to be another person to comfort me, I can comfort myself. It's called self-parenting. My feelings cannot be based on the comfortings of others. Yes my feelings can be affected by that, but I don't NEED another person in the way that I need MYSELF to comfort me. It's a hard, difficult lesson for me to learn, and it's a lesson I've forgotten many, many times, but it's the truth. My inner child can be comforted by me because I love myself. I'm proud of myself, my accomplishments, my courage, my love. First and foremost there is self-love. My inner demons don't want me to have self-love, they want self-loathing, but that's just to bad for them! Self-Love is first and foremost, and encouragement, love, support from others is important but secondary to self-love.

I love all of you. You all have your troubles, your struggles, your failures and character faults. But I can and do still love you. How can I forgive other people's faults and not my own? Because of my dysfunctional thinking. But for this moment, I will, and am thinking functionally, and I say to myself: I have my problems, but I still love I.