An experimental ride through a panic attack.

I realized that I had been pushing myself through the anxiety for too long, that I was actually denying that I was about to have a panic attack for over a month. I just kept pushing through it, and thought that I was doing good.
But I think all I was really doing was trapping that energy inside of me. I knew I had to get it out. So I went upstairs into my room, turned off the lights, curled up on the floor and held my teddy bear for almost twenty minutes.
That helped me feel loved, but it didn’t do anything for the anxiety. I thought I could just ride this out until I was tired from the energy but it wasn’t happening.
So I got up, paced for a little while, then started saying “Bring it on! Bring it on you bastard!”
Boy that started sending chills through my body, all tingly. But the anxiety was still there.
I grabbed a flexible mirror so I could look myself in the eyes and said again, “Bring it on!” quite a few times in a very firm voice. I even went as far as to punch the mirror. (Thank god it wasn’t a real mirror, just one of those paper-backed ones).
But the anxiety was still there, laughing me in the face.
Right there, I almost gave up to go just push through it and deny it like normal.
Then it hit me. I was scared as hell. What do most people do when they’re scared as all hell? They run for their lives! That’s it! I had to run for my life!
So I grabbed my wool sweater and sneakers, went outside, and ran for my life. Literally. As far and as fast as my wobbly, clenched up muscles would take me.
And that did it. It took away my energy. I still had a lot of brain energy, mind you, but it wasn’t quite so much fear, my body was spent.
So then I came back inside, and without a word to my cousin, came up here and wrote all this down.