Today

Today was really difficult for me, because I didn't get any sleep. My dizziness and anxiety were really bad. I tried to drive to the post office to deliver a package, but I only got half way there before turning around because I realized that I wasn't fit to drive. I was so pissed off, because I'm so sick of being house-bound, I need some exercise and I need to get out, but I can't do that because of the dizziness, and all this just makes my anxiety sky-rocket. No way to burn off the energy of the anxiety, and no way to get to sleep other than force myself to lay there on the bed because I can't stand up straight half the time.

But things turned around when my cousin and aunt came home, I vented to them a little bit and my cousin made me a bubble-bath and gave me some bath toys to play with, and at first I didn't want to do it, the "voices" kept telling me I'm too old for this, or this is foolish, or I might hurt myself getting into the bathtub, etc, but I was finally able to relax and play a bit, and this worked almost like a miracle. Totally improved my mood and the dizziness actually went away enough for me to take a shower afterwards, then my cousin drove us out to get some Chinese take-out, which really hit the spot.

Right now, I'm feeling a little better, I think I may be able to get to sleep before 2am if I'm lucky. I spoke with the RN at my clinic and she said she'll see if she can get the doctor to give me a script for a pill that will put me to sleep at night.

Ugh, more drugs, but what can I do when the insomnia breaks down my coping mechanisms? My aunt gave me a lecture saying that I shouldn't drive whatsoever, not even after the side effects where off because if I'm in an accident with all these meds in me, I'll be liable no matter what, was her logic.

But my thinking is, I know my limits and I can handle it. I can't be housebound forever, and I'll be on meds probably the rest of my life, which is fine with me if they help me.