Scary mornings, fear of being beaten

Well, as those of you who have been following my posts know that I've had panic-filled mornings. This morning I became more aware of the specific fear I have been having each morning. I wake up scared that someone is going to beat me or physically punish me. It's not paranoia; that is, I'm not afraid that someone is going to break into the house and hurt me, it's more like a memory of an emotion.

The panic keeps me hiding under the covers for hours, or hiding in a corner of my room, cowering in fear.

I can't tie these feelings to a specific event or events in my past. There were many times in elementary school and junior high where I was very scared to go to school because the bullies at school would often beat me up or tease me, and my mom would often spank us with a paddle, but I don't remember any events of severe physical abuse. I don't know if I'm repressing a memory and just the emotions are surfacing, or if I am over-exaggerating something from my past, or if I'm making this all up in my head. I plan on speaking about this issue in my group therapy session tonight.

What really bothers me also is that I know what to do to overcome these feelings. I have the coping skills, I can write my feelings in my journal, use my relaxation tape, call someone for reassurance, use cognitive thought-replacement strategies, get some exercise, or do some activity to distract myself. But it usually takes about six hours for me to summon up the courage to use any of these skills, I am so frightened that I am unable to reach out for the help I need, whether it be reaching out to someone else or just simply using the skills that I know so well and have used in the past. It makes me feel quite the failure when I can help other people through these types of problems, but I am at times unable to take my own advice.

It's easy to jump to the conclusion that I was physically abused at some time in the past and repressed these memories, and now the feelings are coming out. But I'm not so sure of that, I've spent a lot of time unraveling my childhood, writing out my experiences and coming to terms with them, I'm pretty sure I already have all the bases covered from my childhood now. But who can say for sure?