Finally!

Well, my mornings are still filled with panic. As I awake, I usually awake from a nightmare, and this sets off the panic. As the morning goes on, I find myself having to defeat one catastrophic thought after another, while I shake in fear. This usually lasts for hours. And what bothers me most during these times is that I know what to do to get out of them, I need to listen to my relaxation tape, take a shower, take a walk, do some strength exercises, and get focused on doing some work around the house. But usually it takes me hours to get to the point where I can actually do it. It's almost like I fear using my coping mechanisms. I can't quite figure that one out. Today I woke up at 8am, but it wasn't until 3pm that I was able to use my relaxation tape, shower, and go for a walk, and of course, now I feel much better. The anxiety and panic is not completely gone, but at least it's no longer consuming me.

I feel a lot of guilt about my disability. It makes me feel very inadequate to not be able to do the most simple, normal, everyday things that most people take for granted, and I feel guilty that I can't make a greater contribution to my family, whether it be financially or just helping out in general.

But, I'll make it. I'll make the effort every day, and some time, eventually, the good days will out number the bad ones.