Something as simple as having dinner....

Something as simple as having dinner can be so hard... Like today I went out to eat with my dad and brother. I tried so hard to fight the anxiety, I wanted so bad to enjoy the dinner and just chat with them and have a good time, but I ended up spending half the dinner with my head in my hands, depressed, unable to think about anything other than depressing and anxiety thoughts... I tried to think positive, I tried to tell myself, that, hey, right now you have a chance to have a good time, so do it!.

But I couldn't. I tried, but I failed.

This type of thing happens to me ninety percent of the time. I really want to be able to just chit-chat with people, to just hang out, to just have fun, to just relax, but instead, I find myself looking for the shadows to hide in, or the corners, or the exits so I can go out and have a smoke by myself.

This really bothers me. It's tough to develop relationships of any kind with people if you can't just talk. It especially sucks right now, because I really, really do need some friends to hang out with and I need to learn to let go and have a good time.... But it's so much easier said than done!