Good, exciting day.

Well, let me see, Thursday night I didn't sleep... Got home late, and had to be up at 4am so we could make it to the off-road race, and since I've been suffering from my insomnia, I just decided to pull an all-nighter. I knew that if I fell asleep, it probably wouldn't happen until like 3:30am, then I'd wake up groggy, agitated, unmotivated. So I just stayed up, spending a lot of time going back and reading through my diary, and writing some more in my diary about how depressed I am, stuff like that. Then we headed off for the race.

It was exciting, so much so that my symptoms of anxiety, depression, panic, and intrusive negative inner dialog were like almost 90% gone at times, pretty much the whole day, which was like totally awesome! I mean, I wasn't like a total fountain of bubbling joy and happiness or anything, I was still pretty quiet and withdrawn, staying mostly off to the side most of the time as usual, like just a fly on the wall, but it's totally awesome that my symptoms were mostly gone and that I could enjoy the excitement! How cool!

I just wish that this kind of thing would work for me all the time.... Some of you may be thinking that all I really need is a job, maybe with a race team, that involves a lot of excitement, and then I'll just be fine. But, unfortunately, I know that's not the cure for me, because I've tried it before. I've worked on a cool race team, I've been in a cool exciting heavy metal band, things like that, but as far as relief of symptoms is concerned, the relief only lasts until the novelty wears off... Sometimes as soon as the next day, sometimes it takes a few days for it to wear off, then I'm back right where I'm usually at, having to call in sick and stay home, hardly able to take care of myself.

It's a good thing my social phobias aren't even close to being as bad as most anxiety sufferers, but I did find myself thinking quite often throughout the day, "What if someone asks me what I do for a living?"

How do I answer a question like that? Usually people want to know what kind of job one has. Do I tell them the truth, that I am unable to work, disabled by a mental illness? When is it appropriate to tell the truth, when should I lie... Scratch that, lying is totally against my nature, but I don't mind stretching or coloring the truth a little bit if the circumstances warrant it. Sometimes I am so ashamed of myself that I'm afraid to be around people who know my family, because I'm afraid they'll think I'm nuts or I'm just a bum sponging off the family or something like that, and if they think that then it may color their opinion of my family.