How I've been lately

Well, lately, what with the side effects I posted about earlier and all... Well, actually for the past couple months, is that I'm sick of using my coping skills to get through the day. It's hard enough to get through the day with little to no sleep, nightmares, other side effects, that would be enough to drive anyone nuts, plus I've got all this anxiety and depression and nagging omnipresent negative memories constantly bombarding my brain, I can hardly concentrate.

All of the coping skills I've talked about don't seem to work anymore, it's like I've developed a tolerance to them. And worse, as I look back at the past three years of actively using these skills to try and get through each day or each moment, I've realized, that for me at least, that they're really just band-aids.

Now, all you therapists out there will say, "Dave, you have to keep using these coping skills. You have to be determined and constantly keep using them and not let up until they become a part of your life, until they become habits themselves and you will notice a drastic improvement."

My response to that is, well, I've been doing just that for three years, and while coping skills help for very brief moments, my condition(s) is most definitely still getting worse despite the efforts of myself and others.

I'm spending a lot of time thinking about deep, philosophical issues, like the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Those of you who are fans of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy will know that the answer to that questions is 42. Well, anyway, thinking along these philosophical lines keeps just going in circles, and each answer I come up with just upsets me or depresses me even more.

NOW, before any of you even dare to send me an email saying I just need to go to church X, or talk to missionary Y, or read bible passage Z, you'd better bite your tongue. I'm not willing to discuss spirituality at this point. Don't even ask.

So, my attitude lately has been one of just barely treading water, as my condition(s) get worse, I'm just doing what I can to keep my nose above water until a miracle pill or surgery or what have you can come along, because I'm so very tired. I've been fighting this for going on thirty years, it's been gradually getting worse my whole life. No, I am not giving up, or getting lazy. I'm just saying, as a metaphor, I'm out in an ocean, treading water for years, I've got tons of will power to tread water, but don't expect much more from me because I'm tired and it's all I can do until I find a coast guard ship, or better yet, a mermaid with a magical potion.