Boy, what a rough day! But why?

Man today sucked hard... But why?

Hmm, well, I didn't get to sleep until 5:30am because of my insomnia, which I believe is a side effect of my Wellbutrin, and woke up around 9:30am. (oh, by the way, my Ambien at 10mg isn't doing a darned thing to help me sleep, so I called the clinic and they said they can't authorize an increase in the dosage, so I'll just have to bear with it the best I can). I woke up depressed with anxiety level around 6, then around noon it went up to level 8 for a few hours, I ended up in the fetal position lying on my bed, scared, feeling like I was going crazy, went to level 9, and eventually took a couple half hour naps, then I had to get up, forced myself to get up and face the rest of the day, I had to go pick up my aunt from work, and that was really tough, driving while having level 8 anxiety, my cousin went with me but I drove, but I didn't tell anyone how bad my anxiety was, because I didn't want them telling me not to drive, I wanted to push myself, and show myself that I could do it. It was a long drive due to very heavy traffic, and I feel bad because I was withdrawn, quiet, and didn't say anything pretty much the whole trip, I felt bad that I wasn't having a lively discussion with my cousin, wishing that I didn't feel bad with the anxiety and depression so I could just kick back and chit-chat.

After I got home, I jumped in the pool and took my medicine, this helped knock my level down to like level 6, and then I ate dinner and it went down another notch.

But I was wondering why today seemed so bad. Last night, during my insomnia, I was actually having a good time, I was watching the movie "Queen of Darkness" DVD on my laptop while emailing back and forth with the pleasant man who runs www.coloradopsycho.com about anxiety issues, his website is pretty good, he keeps a web log and has a bunch of pages that mostly deal with the current problems in the area of mental health care and the stigma attached to people with mental issues. I was also having a good time posting on some of the anxiety forums, mostly the Midwest Center forum at www.stresscenter.com, getting good advice from people and also getting some good feedback and encouragement.

These things elevated my mood, but today I was stuck in deep depression and anxiety. I know that some of it had to do with the fact that my cousin-in-law's boss was over for the day and they were working on putting together some stuff for a big work meeting they are having here at the house tomorrow and the next day, so I think it made me nervous having a stranger in the house, I think I felt afraid to be seen by him because I didn't want him to see the anxiety and depression in my eyes and think I'm crazy and this in turn make him have a lower impression of my cousin-in-law. I know that's all just stinking thinking as they say, but that's all I can come up with that might have provoked my bad day. Unless I had some really bad dreams, with my insomnia problems I'm having trouble with my normally very good ability to recall my dreams quite vividly.

Anyway, and this is embarrassing to post this to the public, but I can't remember when I last took a shower. Probably a week ago... My anxiety has just been too high to fight my phobia of taking a shower. Tomorrow, I have got to take a shower, and I'm going to try and force myself to not stay in my room all day and avoid the people that will be visiting. I need to relax about my fears, because the truth is I'm not going to be hurt, no one is going to think I'm crazy, and everything will be just fine.