Anxiety ups and downs

Well, today was filled with anxiety ups and downs. My sleep medicine, as I predicted, doesn't seem to do it's job of knocking me out at night. Oh well.

Anyway, I was having a lot of anxiety today, lots of negative inner dialog and those pesky intrusive "voices", mostly centered around doing my simple little chores around the house. I ended up crawling up in bed a few times trying to talk myself out of the anxiety until I unintentionally fell asleep. I finally beat the anxiety and did a nice job of vacuuming the house.

But later on, things have gotten a little better, we had a couple over for dinner and had a short but nice visit with them, then I got distracted helping some guy debug a program on the internet, which made me feel a little better, it feels good to help people out.

That's the short of it. As has been for the past couple months, I'm having a lot of depression/shame/guilt/worry etcetera ad nauseum about how long I'm going to be disabled, how long I'm going to be dependent upon others, and the fact that I'm pretty much convinced that I'm one of the few out there who can't be "cured" of my anxiety and depression. And sometimes I think I don't even want to get better, I get so depressed that I think even if I do get better and don't have my anxiety and depression and what not hindering me, that life really won't be that much better.