When I look out at the world... I see nothing

The feelings of "unreality" have been getting worse lately. For those of you unfamiliar with feelings of "unreality", it's very common in people who experience panic attacks... it's almost as if you're not quite awake all the way, it's as if the world feels a little blurry... it's so hard to describe, and I haven't really found anyone who's described it really well for other people to understand, but those of us who suffer know what we mean as soon as we mention it.

Everything else is getting worse too, each day. There's this thing I keep mentioning, and I keep changing the name of it because I'm not sure how to correctly name it so people will know what I'm talking about. I have this problem, it's a combination of negative inner dialog, which itself is a combination of thinking depressing thoughts, thinking I'm worthless, thinking that every little thing is going to end up in a catastrophe, that kind of stuff. Another part of this problem is almost like post-traumatic stress flashbacks, like the old shell-shock flashbacks soldiers would have years after battle, where somehow just about everything I hear or see brings back a bad memory. I used to call this problem my "voices", but that's not accurate, because I'm not schizophrenic and these aren't hallucinations. But this, coupled with my generalized anxiety and other phobias, keep getting worse, so I am so scared to do anything... I mean it's just pathetic. It's harder and harder for me to stay out of my room, harder to keep my eyes open, harder for me to participate in anything at all, because I can't fight it anymore.

The fourth of July sucked for me. I spent ninety percent of the party sitting alone in my room, because I was so scared. With all this stuff going on in my head, I was just freaking myself out thinking that all these people at the party are going to think I'm crazy and are going to want to keep their kids away from me or something. That, and my depression has been really bad, and I didn't want my depression to crash the party.

I spend as much time sleeping as I can now. I'm not on a normal sleeping schedule, partly because I don't have a job and partly because of the meds I'm on. But I sleep as much as I possibly can, it seems it's the only "place" I can go where I won't bother anyone or have to be bothered by anyone. I don't stay up for more than a few hours at a time usually. Because I'm always being hit by an emotional breakdown. Either it's a panic attack, or an almost uncontrollable fit of crying... I get at least two of these breakdowns a day, sometimes much more, and they just wear me down further and further each time.

When I started this site, I thought I would be a bastion of strength, talking about how, through my skill and willpower and all the things I have learned, that I am overcoming my anxiety and depression and panic attacks.... and yet, it seems instead that I'm making a chronicle of my fall deeper and deeper. My anxiety is getting more powerful, and so is my depression, and so is all the negative dialog and all the flashbacks... it's like all the willpower I had, all the strength I had at using all those wonderful coping skills is now but a leaf caught in the violent winds of this chaotic disease.

And, now I really know my depression is major, because when I look out into the world, and I look at the people, and I listen to the news, and I watch the movies, and I see the trees and the cars, and even when I look beyond that to look at all the wonderful possibilities that exist in this free world of ours... I think, I believe, that, even if I didn't have this disease, life would still suck, it's always going to suck, no one can ever really be trusted, there never will be any stability... it's like I look out at the world and all I can see is the decay, the filth.....

I'm sorry guys, I really am. I really thought I could keep posting just the good things, just the breakthroughs and progress I have made, but I think it's just as important to really tell it like it is and say what I'm going through.
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