Nothing much to say and anticipatory anxiety

Well, today I had another group therapy session. I'm starting to become a less active participant in my group therapy sessions. It's like the other people are just getting louder and more out-going than I am, and I'm not assertive enough to get my fair share of time of venting. Part of me doesn't want to go to these sessions anymore because of this. I don't know, it's wierd, because like the day before I'm to have the group session, I'm bursting at the seams with things I want to talk about to the group and I just can't wait for it... Then when I get there, or the actual day comes, I end up feeling just kind of blah, and I almost never end up venting all that I want to vent, or I forget what I wanted to vent about, or it just doesn't seem as important.

You know what else sucks? Is that in therapy, whether it's individual or group, you're always limited in time. So, it's like, as soon as I just start to break the ice on a topic that is seriously important to me, time's up! And there are like a hundred different things I want to talk about, it's really hard to just pick one of those topics and try to actually get a fruitful discussion about it in 45 minutes or less.

Anyway, tomorrow's the 4th of July, so I've got a lot of anticipatory anxiety, because we're have a huge block party, we've got over twenty guests coming over to our house alone, not to mention the whole neighborhood, and I'm real nervous about that, I'm nervous about the fireworks we're going to be launching in the streets, and most of all I'm pissed already because I know that this is going to be just one more party that I desperately want to have fun at but I won't be able to because I'll be all twisted up with my anxiety. I mean, OK, I've got the skills to ward off the anticipatory thoughts, and I've got the will power to hang at the party without having to bail, but the truth is with my disorder, I won't be able to just "let go" and "chill out" and have fun.
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