Excitement, Panic, and Sadness

Today was another emotional roller-coaster ride. I started the day off listening to the radio station early in the morning, and they had a contest going on, whoever called in the correct answer to the question of when and why Pepsi changed their colors to red white and blue would win a CD. Well, it just so happened that a good friend of mine told me about this piece of trivia about a month ago, so I called in, and I won! How cool, last night I won tickets to see the movie premiere, and this morning I won a CD from the same radio station, and I got to be on the air. So, I started off excited.

Then I started panicking. The radio station had another contest going to win tickets to a concert that I really, really want to go to. My cousin already won a pair of tickets, and she and her husband are going, and I really wanted to go too, so I stayed up for a few more hours waiting for them to announce when I could call in to win tickets. I don't know why for sure but I was panicking about this. Probably because I'm scared if I win, I'll be trapped at the concert having panic attacks, or trapped on the long bus ride too and from the concert, it's an all day concert (if you're curious, it's the Ozzfest). Well, anyway, I didn't win, but I can try again tomorrow.

Then I started thinking about the idea of getting my bass guitar, and that immediately put me into a level 8-9 panic attack. Every time I thought about it, I would get a panic attack.

What the hell is wrong with me for crying out loud?

I mean, I just won some cool stuff, I've got the go-ahead to go buy myself a cool bass guitar and get back into the scene and find some friends and maybe get a life. And the thought of it totally scares the crap out of me!

Then, I'm not sure what happened, but I found myself laying in bed, curling all up in a ball, and crying. For like two hours.

I'm going crazy. Is that what this means?

Technically, no, that's not what it means. But it sure feels like it. I have an emotional disorder. My emotions overwhelm me, that's all. I've got to learn to accept that and live with it. But, sorry folks, I don't want to live with myself like this! I refuse to just resigning myself to accepting that I've got a disorder like this that's going to keep me in a mess like this for the rest of my life. Nope. My doctor had better find that right pill!

I'm too damned intelligent, honest, caring, good looking and talented to live the rest of my life trapped in the nether-world of emotional disorder. I'm sick of being trapped inside myself. I want out, damn it!
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