Where's my funny bone?

Well, yesterday we had a birthday party for my cousin, and had a whole bunch of people over, enjoying the pool and barbecue and stuff, it was a real nice party. But I didn't have fun. Why? Not because of anything anybody did or didn't do, but because despite my best efforts I couldn't relax. I mean, I'm glad I was there, and it was a nice party, and I tried to enjoy it and even pretend I enjoyed it, but inside I was having a panic attack the whole day. Makes me wonder if my therapist is right and that I don't have enough of a certain chemical in my brain that allows me to enjoy things.

My anxiety and depression keep getting worse rather than better. My level of daily functioning continues to decline.

This isn't a result of lack of effort on my part. It takes all of the cognitive effort and tools available just to do some of the most simple things. I think it just goes to show, like my psychiatrist said, that my problem is more biologically based than psychologically based (more nature and less nurture), and I'm one of those rare people who are highly resistant to medication.

In a couple days, I'll be driving with my dad out to his place outside Las Vegas, then the next day I'll fly with my brother back home to see some family and friends in Detroit, then after a couple days flying back to Vegas, then driving home the next day. I'm very nervous about this trip. Not in the sense that I'm catastrophizing it, just that I know it will push my coping skills to their maximum. Especially the long plane ride, I have a problem with changing air pressure in airplanes, as an airplane descends and the cabin pressure changes, I experience excruciating pain in my head that mimics a stroke, it's like someone is plunging a knife into my head while simultaneously the blood vessels in my head are trying to explode, it always leaves me with a red face, tears running down my face, and me gripping the arm rests in a death grip. Although if I take large amounts of pain killers and decongestant drugs then it's usually not so bad.

Anyway, I was supposed to go to a family memorial day party today, but I just couldn't, I've been fighting back a panic attack all morning, and decided that I didn't have the strength to fake it through another party, and I wanted some time to just chill out before I go on my trip.