Suicidal Tendencies.....

Last night I had some severe emotional distress - the kind that comes when I do a lot of introspection. I broke through another wall inside of me, and breaking through walls is something I've been doing a lot of lately. When I have a breakthrough, the emotions I uncover are very strong. This breakthrough was to a dark side of me that I'm not prepared to discuss in public, and that ended in my thinking about suicide. I wasn't serious about actually doing it, but those who have contemplated it will know how deep of a depression it can be. I got through it by reading a lot of anti-suicide websites, taking my medication, smoking a lot, and finally, writing a stream-of-consciousness paper. For those of you who don't know what it is, it can be good therapy, especially if you are currently in therapy so that you can go over it later with your therapist. It can be quite revealing, but more importantly is it gives you a medium to express whatever's on your mind, let it all out, no matter how dark or depressing it is. No one has to read it, no one even needs to be around. Basically, you just get a piece of paper and write, or sit at the computer and type, or get a tape recorder and just talk. You just let your mind go, don't worry about forming complete sentences or paragraphs or punctuation or anything like that. Just get those thoughts out. I did that, and it helped me, both in the immediate sense of alleviating the suicidal musings but it also helped me uncover some things I have repressed and never told anyone about. I am now going to get the next available appointment with my therapist so I can discuss these things with him.