Still toast

Yeah, I'm not posting much anymore, I am still so fried. I've been off the Wellbutrin for a few days now, but it's going to be a while I think before I can recover from it. In the meantime I am just such a zombie I don't have much to say and I'm so tired I don't have much effort to do anything. I feel about as useless as jpeg's to Helen Keller. :) So if you don't see me post for a while, don't worry, I'm just zombied-out.

It may be Saturday to the rest of the world, but not for me.... :)

Well, I haven't been posting in the past few days mostly because I didn't have much new that I felt I needed to say, and I've still been very tired, and I've been busy doing other things too, like trying to have some fun playing computer games and stuff while trying to keep from becoming totally confused about all the beurocratic paperwork for my disability... parts of it are going really fast and smooth, and other parts don't seem to be going at all... there's like three different government agencies involved, with paperwork going every which way and everyone telling me to do something different, so it's a pain to keep it all straight without going bonkers.

I wish I could get back to taking my daily walks like I used to, I really enjoyed that, but when it's a 110 degrees outside with some humidity it's not a good idea. (I know, I know, there are other alternatives for exercise, but that's not my point, I'm just slightly bummed that it's too hot and muggy for the walks I like to take.)

Anyway, I'm glad I'll be off the Wellbutrin after Monday. I'll be off for two weeks, which will probably be exactly how long I'll need to catch up on all my sleep and get back to a "normal" schedule, then I start the Nardil :-( Eek! I'm dreading that... My favorite uncle is coming to visit us for two weeks starting pretty much the day I'll start this new medicine, and I'm afraid with all the side effects this medicine is supposed to have, I won't be able to enjoy his visit much, which is a major bummer, I haven't seen him in years.

Meanwhile, I'm visiting my father and my brother for the weekend, gonna try and hang out with my brother and have some fun... he's got some social activities planned for tomorrow (technically today, but since I'm still up, it's still Friday for me LOL). I know at least the majority of the people involved, one or two of them are old long time friends, some are newer acquaintances that I'm fond of, so hopefully my agoraphobia won't be very pronounced like it was during the 4th of July party.

Uhh.... is the cure going to be worse than the disease? Still a long road ahead...

Well, I met with my psychiatrist today, and he is having me wean off the Wellbutrin, and I will see him again in 3 weeks, which is when he will put me on an MAOI, probably Nardil (Phenelzine). He said this will be a hard drug to take, but he really thinks it will work. He said there are a lot of side effects, restricted diet, and you can't take it with most other medications including over the counter drugs. In the meantime I will keep taking 8mg of Xanax a day... I told him the Xanax isn't any better than placebo for me, but he wants me to stay on it.

I asked him, and insisted that he answer me, "What if this drug doesn't do it? What will the next step be?" And he told me that then he would send me down to UCLA and have them check me out. Do some CAT scans and things like that.

I also asked him about Bio-Feedback treatment, which is about the only other thing that I haven't tried yet, and he said no, no, no... kind of mumbled something that sounded like maybe I could try that months down the road after we try this new medicine and have had some scans done and stuff.

So, anyway, I've done some research into MAOIs and specifically Nardil (the drug my psychiatrist mentioned as the most likely MAOI he'll put me on), and what I've found scares me... the restricted diet... here, I'll give it to you:
What should I avoid while taking phenelzine (Nardil)?
Foods that have high levels of tyramine can cause a severe reaction, including a severe headache, large pupils, neck stiffness, nausea, vomiting, sweating, irregular heart beats, chest pain, and death.death? Call your doctor immediately if you experience any of these symptoms. Avoid the following foods:

• cheeses, including american, blue, boursault, brick, brie, camembert, cheddar, emmenthaler, gruyere, mozzarella, parmesan, romano, roquefort, stilton, and swiss;
  
• sour cream and yogurt;
  
• beef or chicken liver, fish, meats prepared with tenderizer, bologna, pepperoni, salami, summer sausage, game meat, meat extracts, caviar, dried fish, herring, and shrimp paste;
  
• avocados, bananas, figs, raisins, and sauerkraut;
  
• soy sauce, miso soup, bean curd, fava beans;
  
• yeast extracts;
  
• ginseng;
  
• chocolate;
  
• caffeine (coffee, tea, cola, etc.); and
  
• beer (alcoholic and nonalcoholic), red wine (especially Chianti), sherry, vermouth, and other distilled spirits.

So that rules out a lot of stuff, I'll have to be very careful and picky about what I eat, expiration dates, and be really picky at restaurants... and I can't have bread, which contains yeast... but I've already limited my consumption of bread anyway because I get sinus allergy reactions to gluten, and I've already cut down greatly on chocolate, and I've already eliminated caffeine from my diet... so maybe I can handle this part of it.

But I also cannot take any kind of over the counter sinus, allergy or cold medicines or sleeping aids, and any other medication, whether prescribed or over the counter will have to be first approved by my psychiatrist or I could be in for some very severe side effects. Also, if I'm ever in a situation where I'll need anesthesia, I'll have to stop the medicine for two weeks prior to taking it... so pray I don't get into an accident that leaves me in a hospital unable to get anesthesia!

So there's all that... then there are the natural side affects of the drug:

• dizziness or drowsiness;
  
• tremors (shaking), weakness, or muscle twitches;
  
• restlessness, insomnia, anxiety, or agitation;
  
• nausea, decreased appetite, or abdominal pain;
  
• diarrhea or constipation;
  
• dry mouth; or
  
• blurred vision.

Plus other uncommon side affects.

So, it sounds like this drug could put me in a world of hurt... but I have to try it, if nothing else than to just say I've given it an honest try. But who knows. I've reacted differently than most people to all the drugs I've taken so far, so who knows, this drug could turn out to be the holy grail. But I'm not getting my hopes up. In any case, I won't start the Nardil for another 3 weeks, so it's going to be a while before we know how it affects me.

Keep your fingers crossed that my application for MediCal goes smoothly, so that when the time comes around for me to have the scans done, I'll have medical coverage for them.
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Waking up crying.... or in a panic

I'm still having a bad time with my sleeping, nine out of ten times where I am able to fall asleep long enough to start dreaming, I wake up either crying or in a panic. Yeah, I still have this problem. It's just that in the past couple months it has became more and more frequent, so now it is almost all the time. I usually wake up with tears in my eyes and very saddened, or I wake up in the middle of a panic attack, depending upon the content of whatever dream I was having as I awoke.

It's really starting to bother me. I can't sleep like normal people anymore... I mean I've always had some kind of sleep problems, but this is the worst it's ever been for this long.

It's partly due to the medication I'm on I'm sure, since I started taking the Wellbutrin I've had a much harder time with the whole sleep thing. It may also have to do with my lack of eating, the medicine also makes my stomach feel full all the time, so even the thought of eating makes me sick, but knowing that I have to eat something, I have to force-feed myself one small meal each day. Which isn't enough, but it's all I can stomach. And, I'm sure some of it may have to do with the fact that I have over the past six months been delving deep into my past, bringing up repressed issues and dealing with them, so my subconscious has easier access to these memories and therefore they haunt me in my dreams, even though I've gone through the therapeutic process of "letting them go".

So, as I write this, I can hardly keep my eyes open, very tired at a quarter after 7pm, wanting to go to sleep but not sure that I could if I tried... I've been trying to sleep all day, but I've only gotten little spurts of sleep hear and there, and in between the little naps I've been having panic attacks.

And I haven't been able to sleep at all during the night-time for more than one hour total while the sun is actually down... I have the most energy then, so I stay up all night until my body finally caves in around 8am and I crash for a couple hours, then it's up for an hour or so of panic attacks, then crash for another hour, lather, rinse, repeat until I either have to actually be somewhere and do something, or until late night approaches and I start to have more energy.

I've tried to force myself back to a normal schedule and I've failed miserably every time. I'll force myself to try and fall asleep at a normal hour, say nine or ten, and if I am successful at that, I can not stay asleep for more than one hour, and after that nothing I do will make me fall back asleep... not going for a long walk, not reading, not even sleeping pills, until well after the sun has come up. And as for forcing myself to stay awake and active during the day, I haven't been able to do that either between the panic attacks and the zombie-like state I get in during the day where my body craves sleep.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I'll definitely mention this to him.

As a side note, thanks to all of you who have called or emailed to let me know that you are praying for me. I appreciate, and I sincerely hope that God hears your prayers.
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Time to find a new group...

Well, I've decided that the group therapy that I'm attending isn't worth my time or money anymore, the topics discussed just don't apply to me. I know there's some other support groups out there that are almost free that I can check out, it's just a matter of getting over my anxiety and checking them out.

Other than that, it's been pretty much the same ol, same ol, I'm sleeping for longer periods of time now, but it doesn't seem to help much, I think it'll take me being off of the Wellbutrin SR for a week and a good week of catching up before I'm back to normal...which in a way is kind of scary, because the insomnia does numb the anxiety and depression a bit... but hopefully once I get started on the MAOI in a few weeks, that drug will do the trick for me. But, nope, I'm not going to let my hopes get very high on that, I've learned that lesson.

On a positive note, it looks like I'm one step closer to getting all of my disability claims approved, so in a few months I should be getting health coverage and some cash from social security, that will help out a lot... although, there's a part of me that doesn't really want that... it's the pride thing. It's like if my disability claim goes through, then I'm "officially" disabled... and pride doesn't like that. Everytime I think about it, I think, how long will I be disabled? Months? Years? My whole life? I know, I know, I'm supposed to focus on today and not worry about tomorrow but sometimes I just can't help it.
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