Stopped taking Strattera

A few days ago I decided to stop taking Strattera. Strattera is the medication I started taking a week before for Attention Deficit Disorder. My doctor allowed me the freedom to make my own judgment on the dosaging of the medicine and the freedom to decide to stop taking it at will.

While I was on the medication, I was in severe depression the entire time. Because this was also the time I was severely depressed about the possibility of having electro-shock treatments or being institionalized, I couldn't be sure whether it was the medication that was the cause of the depression or my own concerns about my future.

So, I decided to stop taking the medication and seeing if things changed. Within a day, the majority of the depression was gone. But in its place, I became quite hyperactive; I couldn't sleep, my mind kept racing. I tried walking for a couple hours, but that didn't help me fall asleep. Eventually I finally did sleep, and when I woke up I was again severely depressed, but not quite as bad as before. I still felt hopeless, but not entirely so. I haven't gone back on the medicine yet, I don't think that I will, I'll continue to monitor myself.

Wake me up when this holiday is over

Today is the 13th and tomorrow is that holiday. Two days that bring up a lot of hurt feelings. I'm really angry and depressed and hope I can sleep through enough of this until the holiday is over, I don't want to be reminded of it.

The Palpitating Heart: Seeing Anxiety Differently, reviewed

Short answer: two thumbs way up!

Long answer: I must admit I approached this book with a negative attitude. I figured the book would be good, but not any benefit to me. The impression I had (before actually reading it... Never judge a book by it's cover has always been my motto, but nonetheless I fall victim to doing just that...) was that this book was just for people with panic attacks that manifest themselves with symptoms of signs of heart attack, high pulse rate or erratic rhythms, shortness of breath or high blood pressure. I've monitored myself for months while having panic attacks, and I can't remember once ever having my heartbeat or blood pressure ever being outside of normal, it's always been almost square in the middle of normal. So, I figured that I would have to plow through this book, knowing it's probably good for most people with panic attacks since most with panic attacks have those symptoms, but it wouldn't really apply to me.

So, with a bit of a sigh, I opened up the book.

WOW.

Page after page starting flying by. I couldn't stop turning the pages, I was almost immediately absorbed right into it. Every other page or so I had to stop myself from running out of the room, jumping into my truck and driving to each of my doctor's offices and thrusting the book into their hands and saying "Read this NOW!". I think all doctors should read this book. I say all doctors, because, just as eluded to in this book, we all approach a doctor differently because we all see our symptoms differently, and describe them differently, and how we describe them dictates how or what the doctors treat us with. I know this first hand from personal experience and from stories told by others. Some of us with anxiety will think we have schizophrenia, and will go to a doctor and will be treated as if we are schizophrenic. Others will go thinking they are having a heart attack and be treated for those symptoms, others will think they have a bowel disease and will be treated as such, etc. We aren't all doctors, and as this book says very well, we are ill equipped to really know what is going on and how to describe it, so very often going to see a doctor won't solve our problems, it will usually just create more questions. Therefore I think every doctor should read this book.

I also loved this book because of the author's writing style and the voice he used. It wasn't another book written by a clinician, or a book written by some almost "holier than thou" person who seemed to be preaching from atop a pillar. Richard wrote from an honest, open, humble heart.

This book not only tells a story many of us can relate to, but also gives some advice and approaches to learning first to properly evaluate what sensations we are feeling, and putting them into a proper context. A large portion of the book is devoted to comparing the sensations we feel compared to the foods we consume. Richard doesn't approach this as a "follow my diet" type of thing, but teaches the reader how to find out what foods are best for him/her.
Grab yourself a copy of this great book.

Depression and depersonalization

My levels of depression and depersonalization are quite severe. When I try to sleep, I usually end up spending hours crying in bed. My mind is overwhelmed. Sometimes I walk the streets at night, seemingly blinded by my own depression and guilt, detached from the world around me, wallowing in shame. The reality of my situation and the few options or paths I can take in my future are what is driving much of this. I don't know yet for sure how the new medication is playing into all of this, I'll have to watch how I act over the next few weeks as I adjust the dosage before deciding whether it's helping or hurting.

Having to face the fact that whether my family and I elect for electro-shock treatments, institutions, personal self-help coaching, or just living with the status-quo and hoping that I'll eventually succeed on my own, all of these scenarios in the end require a lot of emotional and financial support of my family, and I feel I've already pushed the financial support they can offer to its limits. I'm not sure if it's just my own fears or not, but I'm not sure how much longer I can realistically ask for their emotional support.

I can't help but think that the good of the many out-weighs the good of the one, and that I should pack my things and just walk out of their lives and take the burden off of them, but I'm sure they would hear nothing of that. I do know that where ever I go, my feelings, my emotions, these awful thoughts and symptoms will go with me wherever I may go. In the end, it's up to me to fix what problems I have, and I don't know how much longer I can keep putting up any effort, each day it continually gets harder, with only a few brief moments each day of having a positive can-do attitude. I can't help but feeling that I'm in some way abusing my family by continuing to ask them to support me as they have for many years, knowing that even if we do some radical procedure there is little chance any of them will bring about both a significant and long-lasting relief for me.

I spent a long time trying to balance my budget today, it was very difficult keeping my mind focused. I forgot to pay some of my bills, I had a stack of mail sitting on my bookshelf that had been lying there for a month, and trying to keep my mind focused on the task was very difficult. My aunt asks me very nicely to help her with some very small chores, but my mind races so much that when someone asks me something it is like a distraction that makes me lose the fragile grip I had on whatever I was trying to do, further making me feel hopeless and frustrated. Making to-do lists still doesn't help me much, even when I set them up so that my computer displays a message and beeps at me telling me I need to take care of something.

I do get inspired, even if it is just for a short while, when some of you email me and open up yourselves and tell me that my sharing on this website has helped you. I really appreciate that, it does help. Some of you may not be able to email me because I am still having problems with my email provider such that certain people, depending on who their email provider is, can't send me email.

I feel like I want to go and apologize to all of the people who have meant something to my life, tell them I'm sorry that my mind and emotions are crumbling around me, sorry that I am falling into a black abyss when I once had so much potential.

My family often asks me "What more can we do to help you?" and I can't give them any answers. The only answer I can think to give them is to simply let go of me, to stop worrying about me and stop taking care of me, and focus on taking care of themselves instead.

I'm currently reading a good book written by a self-publishing author. When I am finished with it, I'll talk with him and seeing about posting a review of it here, so far I think it's a book every doctor should read. If you're curious, you can find out more information in my links section or just follow this link: Reading Your Body

I finally received my copy of the movie "Awakenings" , and I cried a few times while watching it. It did inspire me for a while, inspire me to help others who are facing the same troubles as I am. It is a good movie starring Robin Williams and Robert Deniro, Williams plays a doctor who tries to help patients with extreme Parkinson's disease awaken from their coma-like states, and is based on a true story.

Catching up

Well, I thought I'd post a lengthy post catching up what's happened over the past week.

This past weekend I was having severe depression. I think it's been over a week since I showered and I think I only put on a fresh pair of clothes once during that week. Depression born mostly out of frustration and hopelessness about the future. I had another panic attack that left me curled up in the fetal position in the closet, and many others having me curled up in bed or the corner. And smoking a lot. Monday was horrible, I had trouble getting my Xanax refilled, I spent almost a whole day without taking Xanax because I was out of it, which isn't a good thing when one is taking 8mg of it daily. So, I ended up spending a long time sitting in rush hour traffic in the pouring rain having panic attacks and withdrawal symptoms driving between my doctor's office and the pharmacy trying to get things sorted out.

I felt a little better after distracting myself playing games and such. I met with my therapist and then my psychiatrist yesterday. I went in basically to tell them that I would like to discontinue my therapy due to the fact that I can't keep spending money on something that is not helping me, even though I have a high respect for my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist agreed, in fact he said he was going to tell me the same thing because he felt there was nothing more he could offer me in all honesty.

On the advice of my aunt, I asked them both the same question: "What would you do as a next step if I was your son, given my history?" My therapist replied that he would try to find some way to institionalize myself, but it would be hard because it is very expensive, and being admitted to an institution based on an anxiety disorder is unlikely, they are usually only willing to admit someone if they are convinced one is going to commit suicide.

My psychiatrist replied that he would use ECT, commonly known as electro-shock therapy, as a next step. I could talk for hours about the pros and cons of ECT. I've studied electronics, as well as psychology, neuroscience, and anatomy in college, read literature biased both pro and con for the use of ECT, and my opinion about the use of ECT has changed somewhat in the past year. I still think, based on what I know of the brain and electronics, that it is unlikely to be effective unless the voltage applied is high enough to actually burn up some of the neurons. I used to be stead-fast against the use of ECT, but I am now desperate and, to be honest, almost eager to give it a shot, because frankly each day suicide sounds more like the best solution.

I scheduled a joint meeting between myself, my father (possibly my aunt), my psychiatrist and my therapist next month to discuss what options we have left.

In the meantime, I'm going to spend the next week decreasing my dosage of Lamictal, and at the end of the week I'll be completely off of it.

I spent some time with my psychiatrist urging him to think outside the box. He gave me some samples of Strattera, a medication for Attention Deficit Disorder that works on norepinephrine. I've scored pretty high on written test for ADD, and my childhood history and observations of myself and some others show that I may very well have ADD. My psychiatrist isn't very convinced that I have ADD and was against the use of ADD medications because they can make panic attacks much worse; I told him that I've survived some pretty serious panic attacks, and I'm willing to take that risk on the off chance that this medication may work better than the 18 other medications I've tried so far.