Good day, then bad day

Well, first of all, hooray for me for having a great day Saturday. I was able to drive myself over a hundred miles to attend a computer game convention. I only had one panic attack on the way there because the directions I got on Yahoo were screwed up, and the first gas station I went to didn't have any maps and the guy at the counter couldn't give me much help other than to tell me I have to head east for half a dozen miles and hope to find a gas station where someone might be able to give me better directions...

But anyway I finally got their "fashionably late" and ended up having a great time, and the drive home was easy. I'm surprised I was even able to wake up in time to get there, and after I got home I got caught up on a couple things, then I was able to actually fall asleep at decent hour and sleep all night....

And then it started... the night mares waking me up, then trying to fall asleep and getting more nightmares, each time waking up in a panic attack, but with a feeling that I wasn't sure if I was still dreaming or not, and I spent the whole day having level nine panic attacks one right after the other. I was so scared that I had to shut off my phone because just the sound of the phone ringing would scare me to death.

Ugh, this really bothered me, I was so psyched because for the first time in many months I actually was able to travel a long distance and actually enjoy and participate in a social event, I was so proud of myself, and then the next day I was pounded with panic attacks so consistently and so intensely that all I could do was just hang on and hope that they would eventually wear off.

Well, that was yesterday. Today my panic level is still high, but not quite as high. I'm trying to force myself to get a few things done today.

Some borrowed tips...

Here are some tips that I'm borrowing from a blog called "in the moment" who inturn borrowed them from another place...

An eight point plan from Psychotherapist Jerilyn Ross which I borrowed from Oprah
1. Expect, Allow and Accept That Fear Will Arise.
If you have panic disorder, expect that you'll have to deal with it.

2. When Fear Comes, Stop, Wait, and Let it Be.
Our urge is to run from fear. Running only re-sensitizes you. Stay with it and allow the feeling to be there.

3. Focus on the Present.
Use your senses to get grounded. Touch; smell; notice the colors and sounds around you.

4. Label Your Level of Fear from zero-10.
A level of 0 is calm; 10 is pure panic. When you reach a 10, you can't do anything but "ride the wave." There's peace on the other side of panic.

5. Ask Yourself, "What Am I Really Afraid Of?"
Work your way through every "what if" scenario.

6. Ask Yourself, "What is Actually Happening?"
Compare reality to your fear.

7. Function With Fear — Be Proud of Your Achievement.
Even if you're doing everyday things, it's an advancement. Feel good about each step you've taken.

8. Expect, Allow and Accept That Fear Will Reappear.
Understand that this is a condition you have. Take the fear out of the fear.

Not much new...

I meet with my psychiatrist yesterday and he told me to stop taking valerian root because it could cause problems with my liver. Over the next two months we're going to very gradually decrease the dosage of my Xanax in the hopes that my concentration, memory, and energy levels will improve without my anxiety and panic attacks getting worse.

In the meantime, I'm keeping myself in kind of a holding pattern, staying mostly withdrawn and keeping to myself most of the time. I'm not actively fighting the anxiety like I used to, and I'm not spending any time doing much more research or exercise or anything like that. It's a "lesser of two evils" approach. By staying withdrawn, almost in a state of denial, I'm able to keep the suicidal ideations away, not dwell on things, etc (although I'm sure this sounds ironic) but by doing so it's keeping me from having level 10 panic attacks and have to worry about being sent to the hospital again. I'm going to kind of stay in this state until we can find a medicine that at least cuts my anxiety and depression down by 40-50%. If I can get that much help from medicine, then I'll be able to jump back on the bandwagon and take my recovery the rest of the way using all the techniques I know.

For the past couple months, every time I try to go out and get exercise and work on my relaxation techniques and such, I find myself almost immediately sliding back down that downward spiral that leads me to suicidal ideations and fears that I'll need to go to the hospital. :( Yeah, it sounds backwards, but everything seems backwards for me as I try and get over my disorder(s).

Liver testing...

I went and got my liver tested yesterday, gonna have to wait a while on the results. It's a good idea to always get your liver tested every so often when you are on a lot of different meds, our livers weren't designed to process medications, so sometimes taking lots of certain kinds of meds can lead to liver damage. I think mine is fine, I just got it tested to be on the safe side, and I picked up a prescription for my acid-reflux while I was at it, Prevacid really works wonders for me.

Aside from that, I'm going to see if I can schedule an appointment today to appeal my denial for medical benefits. Wish me luck!

Got my blog added to About.com

Cathleen Hemming who runs the about.com section on Panic and Anxiety disorders, has added a link to my blog from that site. Thanks Cathleen!

Her site is a good source of information About Panic and Anxiety Disorders

Moves and changes...

Over the next month I'll be moving from my cousin's house to live with my aunt on the other side of town. I had been anticipating this type of move for quite a while in the back of my head, and I was always afraid about it.. I was certain it would lead to panic attacks. But, thankfully, so far I've been reacting to it quite well. I'm hoping my aunt and I can get along well after start living together. I really didn't want to move again, this will be my 14th move in my thirty years.

I spoke with my therapist yesterday, and he suggested that perhaps the very high levels of Xanax I'm on could be contributing to my constant lack of energy, so when I see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks, I'll ask him about this and see what he thinks about lowering the dosage or frequency that I take it.

Later this month I'm going to try and attend a computer gaming convention, that's about a 2 hour drive from here. I don't feel I'm really up to driving that kind of distance, but as the time approaches I'll see what I can do, maybe I can get some people to join me so it won't be too difficult.

I've started taking that new drink supplement that's supposed to help with my levels of GSH. It doesn't seem to have any taste to it, which is good, it's called Immunocal I think, but I haven't noticed much change yet, but maybe that's just because I haven't been on it long enough... and I've also slightly increased the amount of the "green drink" stuff I'm taking... and, well, I guess the past couple days I do seem to have had a little bit more energy.

Labor day blues...

Well, the labor day party we had had a nice turnout, too bad the wall of panic attacks kept me in my room for 90% of the party. Towards the end of the afternoon, I remembered an old trick I could use when my anxiety and panic were so bad nothing I could do would weaken the anxiety.. .that trick was taking 1 or 2 pills of lorazepam in addition to my normal meds.

DON'T TRY THIS WITHOUT FIRST TALKING AT LENGTH WITH YOUR DOCTOR!!!!

I've talked about doing this kind of thing for years with my doctors. It goes something like this. Lorazepam is in the benzodiazepam class of anti- anxiety/depression drugs, it's a short-term use medicine that has potential for addiction.

My problem with benzodiazepams is that I grow immune to them very, very very fast. Like within days, and then after that no matter how much I increase the dosage, they don't help anymore. I'm currently taking Xanax at a high dosage four times a day, and basically this is just to prevent me from getting withdrawals. As for the lorazepam, I can only add that, at most, once a week, otherwise I grow immune to it as well. I try not to add the lorazepam more than once a month if I can, and actually prior to labor day I hadn't used it in three months and had totally forgot about it.

So, since it was impossible for me to enjoy the party and as I laid there all curled up in bed having a panic attack, something finally reminded me of it, so I took two pills of lorazepam and within 15 minutes half of the anxiety and half of the depression were gone.. a wonderful relief! But then to my dismay, as I came out of my room everyone was leaving... :( wish I had thought of that sooner.

So, looking forward to my birthday next month, I think I won't use this trick again until my birthday party, so that I can enjoy it.

Let me state once again that doing this kind of thing, I keep my doctors well informed of what I do, and I keep a journal of my use of medicines. I don't recommend anybody experimenting with their meds without first developing trust with your doctor and then letting them know what you would like to try, and if the trust is mutual they will probably work with you. Then you have to monitor yourself very closely to make sure you don't become addicted or have side effects. This is very important.

I also started taking valerian root yesterday and I ordered some supplements online that are supposed to increase my body's ability to produce GSH (Growth Stimulating Hormone) which the two of which my doctor recommended that should help with my sleep without any side effects. I'll let you know how it goes once I finally get the stuff in the mail, since no stores around here carry it. Adding these things to all the supplements I'm already taking is roughly equivalent to the EM Power+ thing I mentioned in an earlier post. When I was in my doctors office I had him pull up the info on that supplement and look at the ingredients, and he gave me the option that I could either try it or just simply add the missing ingredients I'm not already taking. Other than that, we didn't change any of my meds this time, and he didn't want to give me an actual prescription for real GSH, which is basically a pill of the actual hormone itself, because it is more expensive and has side effects to boot.

Just wanna have fun....

I'm really getting tired of things continuing to go downhill with my social anxiety... I'm getting to the point were I'd rather just be alone 24/7. I can't handle parties for more than five minutes before the panic attacks set in. I get bothered when people try to talk to me. Driving is getting harder as my concentration seems to be getting worse, and my memory too. Sucks too, because in about a month I turn thirty and I always wanted to have a big 3-0 party... part of me still does, but the truth is I wouldn't be able to handle it if I had one.

I'm also starting to have problems with thoughts that everyone is mad or disappointed in me in some way.... that's what I hate about my disorder, it's so contradictory... I have no reason to think this way, and I combat these thoughts with compassionate self dialog and relaxation and distraction, but no matter what I do, the thoughts and feelings remain. Catastrophic thoughts and issues of trust plague my dreams. And I still have absolutely no energy, despite my efforts to get out and walk and take all these vitamins and supplements that are supposed to help with my energy levels. Maybe the drugs have something to do with that, since Gabitril does cause drowsiness... but I've felt this way since before taking it...