Thursday, April 29, 2004

Feelings of guilt or shame overwhelming

I'm feeling overwhelming feelings of guilt or shame, like I've done something wrong or I'm ignoring something important. I'm not sure if this is because I lowered my Xanax by 1 mg today or not. I've had these feelings before. I feel like a little boy who's done something really wrong and his parents are going to come home and beat him. I'm going through a level 9 panic attack, and trying to use my coping techniques to get through it. I'm going to try and do chores around the house to make myself feel like I have done something to counter-act these feelings, and see if I can get my positive self-dialog going. If I can muster the strength, I'll even go for a walk but that seems really scary right now.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Finally.. got a date set for my brain scans!

Today was anxiety ridden but successful. I finally got my appointments for my brain scans, they'll take place most of the 2nd week of June. I'm kind of excited about it but nervous at the same time, I hope they'll be as beneficial for me as they have been for others.

I also had my first vocal lesson today, and that went much better than I had hoped; I was actually able to match 5 notes! My bass guitar lessons start next week.

The tough part is that between now and my scans I'm going to have to start lowering the dosages of my medicines and eventually get off of them for a week or so before the scans. So I might be a wreck while I'm getting those done.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Pacing

Last night before I finally fell asleep I kept pacing back and forth, like I had energy to do something but, even though there were many things I could have done, I couldn't slow down and do any of them. That happens to me a lot. It's a horrible feeling almost, kind of like being all dressed up with no place to go, just pacing back and forth wishing my body would fall asleep. Anyway, I picked up a fiction book at the bookstore and I'm going to try reading that to fall asleep tonight, I used to always read before going to bed, and I hope it works tonight.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Workout

Whew... just got back from my first karate lesson. It was only a half hour but boy I'm pooped. But it felt really good. I'll have to try remember how to tie that stupid belt though lol. I think having done fencing before helped me keep my balance, they had me jumping right in and doing sparring even. This class only had kids from elementary school ages in it, so they weren't much more than half my height, so I hope more older people sign up, I felt bad because I accidentally kicked this little green-belt boy in the groin and he wasn't wearing protection but he said he was all O.K. I think this will be good therapy for me.

I'm feeling better too, whatever I was sick from Saturday seemed to be only a one-day thing, maybe it was food poisoning from fast food, who knows.

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Ugh

I feel sick. I stayed up too late last night on my manic swing, got too little rest and I can't fall back asleep, plus I smoked too much, so now I'm dealing with the consequences. Blah. I'm going to lay in bed for the rest of the morning and see if I can catch some Saturday morning cartoons.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Musical therapy... maybe it will work?

Today was an average day anxiety and mood wise, then my therapist called me in the late afternoon to check up on me and see if I was doing O.K. alone. I told him I usually get more depressed during the afternoon, and he told me that at those times I should be taking a walk. So, late this afternoon I walked around through the shopping center down the corner, and started looking in the window of the music store there. I passed by it a couple times, then I remembered that they offer vocal lessons. I always felt like a horrible singer, and I felt that if I could develop some singing talent, that could improve my self esteem and possibly help with my speaking voice as well, to speak with more confidence.

A couple hours later I went down to the guitar store and found the only acoustic bass guitar they had... and my fingers and ears took a liking to it right away. So I haggled with the salesman and got a good price and a lead on a very good bass guitar instructor. I used to play the bass really well, but I'm like seven years out of practice. My thinking is that if I practice my bass and my voice, I'll finally be able to perform at the open mic nights I attend at the book store.

I'm also thinking about adding karate lessons as well, I've found a place that only charges six dollars a session.

So, with all of the above, I'll get physical and social therapy. At least that's my line of thought, since I've been through years of talk therapy and read so many books on it, it's fairly well agreed that talk therapy won't do me much more good, except for the few times where I'm in a really tough jam and need someone objective to talk to.

Who knows, maybe this is all just an expression of mania, but it feels good to have a plan. Only time will tell if I can stick with it and it works.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Vitamins and supplements

I went out tonight and bought some more vitamins and supplements that I hope will help my psych meds work better and aid in my general health. My moods swung a lot today, right now I'm feeling full of energy; seven hours ago I was angry and depressed, and made an appointment to see my therapist tomorrow because I was thinking about whether I should be hospitalized or not. I even went as far as to make sure I had directions to the psychiatric hospital memorized. I guess I was thinking that I needed a structured environment where I could be monitored. But I've got too many responsibilities to take care of to go be hospitalized for a few days, not to mention if I do it will be traumatic for my family.

I'm beginning to be more aware of what triggers my mood swings, and how low my threshold is to set off a change in mood. I read some stuff on borderline personality disorder that really sounded like me, but that diagnosis isn't of much use as far as I can tell, it's just something I can point at and say, "Hey, that sounds like me!"

Monday, April 19, 2004

Cycling into depression

For the past day or so I've seen myself start to cycle down into what looks like will be a deep depression. I'm wanting to stay in bed all the time, my anxiety is high and I'm afraid to make any appointments or commitments because I can't be sure how I'm going to feel. Part of me thinks it might get so bad I have to go to the hospital again, so I'll have to keep up my positive self dialog and try and get some exercise and not turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I finally got to the dentist and thank God nothing was wrong, I just have to go back next week for a regular cleaning.

My aunt whom I live with and my father are going away for a week on vacation, so I'm going to be putting together a comfort bag of sorts while they're gone, playing some video games and watching some good DVDs and see if I can get the courage to get some exercise out on the bike trail nearby.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Put Together a Comfort Bag

Link:Put Together a Comfort Bag
Putting together a comfort bag is a really good idea for people with high anxiety and phobias. This is something I usually use and it does help, knowing that you have certain things with you in case of something unexpected.

Manic

I think I'm going through a manic phase. I'm spending a lot of money on my credit cards, upgrading my computers and stuff. At least the depression isn't bad. I'm still having small panic attacks and agoraphobia. I don't see my psychiatrist again until near the end of the month, I'll ask him about a firm diagnosis then. Maybe I'll have to take some more tests, I'm not sure. Today I'm going to go try and schedule a dentist appointment, I haven't had one in years and the one down the corner is advertising a special that I can afford. I also have to go to my clinic today and hope and pray that they have more samples of the Symbyax I'm taking so I don't have to go without until my next appointment, hopefully something can be worked out. In the meantime, I'm working with the nurse at the clinic to try and get on a free medication program with Lilly pharmaceuticals based on low income. I'm also looking into consolidating my student loans and getting my psychiatrist to sign a form that I'm disabled so that I can write off the loans. Wish me luck with that.

It's tough not knowing if what I'm feeling is due to the medicine, diet, or which disorder I have, or if it's just natural.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Happy Easter

Today was a good day overall I would say, I had a great breakfast over at my cousin's place, but then started getting tired and panicky so I went home and took a long nap instead of going on with them to some other relatives' place for the rest of the day. Late in the afternoon I went and saw a nice movie, then came home and a little later on my aunt and I compared our notes on the book we are reading together (see "what I'm reading" in the lower-left column of this page), which I thought was a real good thing to do, then we went for a short walk. My panic level has kept going up and down all day, but I think I can call this day a success overall.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

I wish I could get a grip on myself

I wish I could get a grip on myself. My moods fluctuated the whole spectrum today. I went from manic swings of thinking I could go back to school or read all these psychology books and know just what to do to fix myself, or go back to work part time, to being lethargic, depressed, and just now, crying over the loss of past relationships and once again thinking that suicide might be right if things are only going to get worse, being lonely and afraid and frustrated knowing that even the rare chances when I do get to "hang out" I'm unable to really experience it.

I'm still learning a lot, and still have a lot more to learn. But my purpose to keep going changes frequently. I just can't keep a grip on my mood. I just can't keep focused on anything long enough to finish it. There's a lot I want to add to this website that I am finding out about, but I get distracted or make excuses or tell myself to be patient that it doesn't need to be done right away.

My aunt and I are reading a book on bipolar disorder together, I think it will help us get along better.

Meanwhile, I'm missing those few days where I was on a regular sleeping pattern. Maybe it's time to take another sleeping pill.

Monday, April 05, 2004

My trip

I drove out to see my father and brother in Vegas this weekend. The drive was pretty tough, especially the one back, going through the pressure changes as I changed elevations wreaked havoc on me, I'm prone to pressure changes and get awful pains in my sinus cavities and headaches, my eyes start to water, plus I found myself pretty tired the whole trip so I had to stop a lot to take breaks to keep me awake and alert, but I made it home fine, although I've been in a high anxiety mode ever since.

I did have an enjoyable time in Vegas, saw the new Star Trek exhibit and enjoyed that and got a few souvenirs, then the next day (Sunday) I was going through mood swings and panic and ended up locking myself in the bathroom on the floor for a while trying to get over the anxiety and depersonalization, then used a bunch of comfort foods and positive self-talk to get me out of the bathroom so I could go rent a movie with my brother. On Saturday I went to a church service with my dad and brother, but I started having a panic attack so I went out to my dad's truck and took an extra Benzo and tried to relax, and by the time it kicked in the service was pretty much over.

I hate having such a hard time traveling. I used to be so good at it.

I'm having a lot of anxiety right now mostly because I feel I have a lot on my plate and my finances are gradually going into ruin. I've got my truck to fix, my computer to fix, a ton of books to read, need to get myself to exercise and eat better, etc. And fitting anything in between my mood swings is like a throw of the dice.

Friday, April 02, 2004

Bipolar

It looks like we're chaning my diagnosis to Biploar type 2 - rapid cycling and Panic disorder. I went and bought a bunch of books to help educate myself and my family on this. Looking back over the years of therapy, especially the last year and a half, it now seems like an obvious diagnosis.

I'll post more gradually in the future as I learn more myself.

down and up

Last night I started having those weird side effects again with my motor control and some insomnia, but I finally got five hours of sleep starting around 4 am. Feel a lot better now. Now I just have to wait impatiently to find out about my truck; since I've gone back to my previous dosage I have my truck keys back in my possession so I took my truck in to get some screech sounds checked out in an impulsive moment yesterday morning, only to find out everything from the brakes to the transmission seals needs to be replaced. One more credit card maxed out. :( And to make matters worse, I left my apartment keys at home so I couldn't get back in my apartment when the shuttle driver let me off. Guess I played an April Fool's joke on myself subconsciosly lol. But, it did work out, I was able to get a spare set from the front office without too much hassle... I guess it's all just part of rushing through a manic phase.

I hope I stop gaining weight on this lower dosage, although I doubt it unless I can get myself to exercise and learn to take control of my appetite... which isn't easy, the urge to eat until I feel full is practically irresistible.

I've tentavily planned to go visit my father and brother near Vegas this weekend, pray for me that I do well driving. I'm going to try and time it so I don't mix with rush hour traffic, and I'll have to make a lot of stops along the way I'm sure. It may turn out that my dad comes out to pick me up depending on how I feel about the side effects affecting my driving.