Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Still toast

Yeah, I'm not posting much anymore, I am still so fried. I've been off the Wellbutrin for a few days now, but it's going to be a while I think before I can recover from it. In the meantime I am just such a zombie I don't have much to say and I'm so tired I don't have much effort to do anything. I feel about as useless as jpeg's to Helen Keller. :) So if you don't see me post for a while, don't worry, I'm just zombied-out.

Saturday, July 26, 2003

It may be Saturday to the rest of the world, but not for me.... :)

Well, I haven't been posting in the past few days mostly because I didn't have much new that I felt I needed to say, and I've still been very tired, and I've been busy doing other things too, like trying to have some fun playing computer games and stuff while trying to keep from becoming totally confused about all the beurocratic paperwork for my disability... parts of it are going really fast and smooth, and other parts don't seem to be going at all... there's like three different government agencies involved, with paperwork going every which way and everyone telling me to do something different, so it's a pain to keep it all straight without going bonkers.

I wish I could get back to taking my daily walks like I used to, I really enjoyed that, but when it's a 110 degrees outside with some humidity it's not a good idea. (I know, I know, there are other alternatives for exercise, but that's not my point, I'm just slightly bummed that it's too hot and muggy for the walks I like to take.)

Anyway, I'm glad I'll be off the Wellbutrin after Monday. I'll be off for two weeks, which will probably be exactly how long I'll need to catch up on all my sleep and get back to a "normal" schedule, then I start the Nardil :-( Eek! I'm dreading that... My favorite uncle is coming to visit us for two weeks starting pretty much the day I'll start this new medicine, and I'm afraid with all the side effects this medicine is supposed to have, I won't be able to enjoy his visit much, which is a major bummer, I haven't seen him in years.

Meanwhile, I'm visiting my father and my brother for the weekend, gonna try and hang out with my brother and have some fun... he's got some social activities planned for tomorrow (technically today, but since I'm still up, it's still Friday for me LOL). I know at least the majority of the people involved, one or two of them are old long time friends, some are newer acquaintances that I'm fond of, so hopefully my agoraphobia won't be very pronounced like it was during the 4th of July party.

Monday, July 21, 2003

Uhh.... is the cure going to be worse than the disease? Still a long road ahead...

Well, I met with my psychiatrist today, and he is having me wean off the Wellbutrin, and I will see him again in 3 weeks, which is when he will put me on an MAOI, probably Nardil (Phenelzine). He said this will be a hard drug to take, but he really thinks it will work. He said there are a lot of side effects, restricted diet, and you can't take it with most other medications including over the counter drugs. In the meantime I will keep taking 8mg of Xanax a day... I told him the Xanax isn't any better than placebo for me, but he wants me to stay on it.

I asked him, and insisted that he answer me, "What if this drug doesn't do it? What will the next step be?" And he told me that then he would send me down to UCLA and have them check me out. Do some CAT scans and things like that.

I also asked him about Bio-Feedback treatment, which is about the only other thing that I haven't tried yet, and he said no, no, no... kind of mumbled something that sounded like maybe I could try that months down the road after we try this new medicine and have had some scans done and stuff.

So, anyway, I've done some research into MAOIs and specifically Nardil (the drug my psychiatrist mentioned as the most likely MAOI he'll put me on), and what I've found scares me... the restricted diet... here, I'll give it to you:
What should I avoid while taking phenelzine (Nardil)?
Foods that have high levels of tyramine can cause a severe reaction, including a severe headache, large pupils, neck stiffness, nausea, vomiting, sweating, irregular heart beats, chest pain, and death.death? Call your doctor immediately if you experience any of these symptoms. Avoid the following foods:

  • cheeses, including american, blue, boursault, brick, brie, camembert, cheddar, emmenthaler, gruyere, mozzarella, parmesan, romano, roquefort, stilton, and swiss;
  • sour cream and yogurt;
  • beef or chicken liver, fish, meats prepared with tenderizer, bologna, pepperoni, salami, summer sausage, game meat, meat extracts, caviar, dried fish, herring, and shrimp paste;
  • avocados, bananas, figs, raisins, and sauerkraut;
  • soy sauce, miso soup, bean curd, fava beans;
  • yeast extracts;
  • ginseng;
  • chocolate;
  • caffeine (coffee, tea, cola, etc.); and
  • beer (alcoholic and nonalcoholic), red wine (especially Chianti), sherry, vermouth, and other distilled spirits.


So that rules out a lot of stuff, I'll have to be very careful and picky about what I eat, expiration dates, and be really picky at restaurants... and I can't have bread, which contains yeast... but I've already limited my consumption of bread anyway because I get sinus allergy reactions to gluten, and I've already cut down greatly on chocolate, and I've already eliminated caffeine from my diet... so maybe I can handle this part of it.

But I also cannot take any kind of over the counter sinus, allergy or cold medicines or sleeping aids, and any other medication, whether prescribed or over the counter will have to be first approved by my psychiatrist or I could be in for some very severe side effects. Also, if I'm ever in a situation where I'll need anesthesia, I'll have to stop the medicine for two weeks prior to taking it... so pray I don't get into an accident that leaves me in a hospital unable to get anesthesia!

So there's all that... then there are the natural side affects of the drug:

  • dizziness or drowsiness;
  • tremors (shaking), weakness, or muscle twitches;
  • restlessness, insomnia, anxiety, or agitation;
  • nausea, decreased appetite, or abdominal pain;
  • diarrhea or constipation;
  • dry mouth; or
  • blurred vision.


Plus other uncommon side affects.

So, it sounds like this drug could put me in a world of hurt... but I have to try it, if nothing else than to just say I've given it an honest try. But who knows. I've reacted differently than most people to all the drugs I've taken so far, so who knows, this drug could turn out to be the holy grail. But I'm not getting my hopes up. In any case, I won't start the Nardil for another 3 weeks, so it's going to be a while before we know how it affects me.

Keep your fingers crossed that my application for MediCal goes smoothly, so that when the time comes around for me to have the scans done, I'll have medical coverage for them.
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Sunday, July 20, 2003

Waking up crying.... or in a panic

I'm still having a bad time with my sleeping, nine out of ten times where I am able to fall asleep long enough to start dreaming, I wake up either crying or in a panic. Yeah, I still have this problem. It's just that in the past couple months it has became more and more frequent, so now it is almost all the time. I usually wake up with tears in my eyes and very saddened, or I wake up in the middle of a panic attack, depending upon the content of whatever dream I was having as I awoke.

It's really starting to bother me. I can't sleep like normal people anymore... I mean I've always had some kind of sleep problems, but this is the worst it's ever been for this long.

It's partly due to the medication I'm on I'm sure, since I started taking the Wellbutrin I've had a much harder time with the whole sleep thing. It may also have to do with my lack of eating, the medicine also makes my stomach feel full all the time, so even the thought of eating makes me sick, but knowing that I have to eat something, I have to force-feed myself one small meal each day. Which isn't enough, but it's all I can stomach. And, I'm sure some of it may have to do with the fact that I have over the past six months been delving deep into my past, bringing up repressed issues and dealing with them, so my subconscious has easier access to these memories and therefore they haunt me in my dreams, even though I've gone through the therapeutic process of "letting them go".

So, as I write this, I can hardly keep my eyes open, very tired at a quarter after 7pm, wanting to go to sleep but not sure that I could if I tried... I've been trying to sleep all day, but I've only gotten little spurts of sleep hear and there, and in between the little naps I've been having panic attacks.

And I haven't been able to sleep at all during the night-time for more than one hour total while the sun is actually down... I have the most energy then, so I stay up all night until my body finally caves in around 8am and I crash for a couple hours, then it's up for an hour or so of panic attacks, then crash for another hour, lather, rinse, repeat until I either have to actually be somewhere and do something, or until late night approaches and I start to have more energy.

I've tried to force myself back to a normal schedule and I've failed miserably every time. I'll force myself to try and fall asleep at a normal hour, say nine or ten, and if I am successful at that, I can not stay asleep for more than one hour, and after that nothing I do will make me fall back asleep... not going for a long walk, not reading, not even sleeping pills, until well after the sun has come up. And as for forcing myself to stay awake and active during the day, I haven't been able to do that either between the panic attacks and the zombie-like state I get in during the day where my body craves sleep.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I'll definitely mention this to him.

As a side note, thanks to all of you who have called or emailed to let me know that you are praying for me. I appreciate, and I sincerely hope that God hears your prayers.
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Friday, July 18, 2003

Time to find a new group...

Well, I've decided that the group therapy that I'm attending isn't worth my time or money anymore, the topics discussed just don't apply to me. I know there's some other support groups out there that are almost free that I can check out, it's just a matter of getting over my anxiety and checking them out.

Other than that, it's been pretty much the same ol, same ol, I'm sleeping for longer periods of time now, but it doesn't seem to help much, I think it'll take me being off of the Wellbutrin SR for a week and a good week of catching up before I'm back to normal...which in a way is kind of scary, because the insomnia does numb the anxiety and depression a bit... but hopefully once I get started on the MAOI in a few weeks, that drug will do the trick for me. But, nope, I'm not going to let my hopes get very high on that, I've learned that lesson.

On a positive note, it looks like I'm one step closer to getting all of my disability claims approved, so in a few months I should be getting health coverage and some cash from social security, that will help out a lot... although, there's a part of me that doesn't really want that... it's the pride thing. It's like if my disability claim goes through, then I'm "officially" disabled... and pride doesn't like that. Everytime I think about it, I think, how long will I be disabled? Months? Years? My whole life? I know, I know, I'm supposed to focus on today and not worry about tomorrow but sometimes I just can't help it.
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Wednesday, July 16, 2003

A good intro about fear and memories in the brain...

link:Learning Series: The Brain and Emotions - part 1: Fear

Fear
Recent research shows that when something bad happens to you, part of your brain begins thinking independently, storing its own memories so it can save you next time. That worked fine a million years ago...
By Steven Johnson
Photograph by Elinor Carucci
Graphics by Don Foley


The above quote and link are to Discover Magazine's website, and the article is a good one if you want a good introduction into how fear, memory, and things like post-traumatic disorder occur in the brain.
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LeDoux Lab Web

Link: LeDoux Lab Web:
"'My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery-- always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why? What's this passion for?'
Virginia Woolf"

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Man I want to go to sleep

Well, the good news is things aren't too bad on the emotional front, no major panic attacks or depression or anything in the past day, or more accurately not any extreme ones. I have my insomnia to thank for that, having little to no sleep leaves me like a zombie, which in a way is a blessing if you ask me. Insomnia and other sleep problems have been troubling me for quite a while, especially since I started taking Wellbutrin, but the past two days have been really bad as far as not getting any sleep goes... so it's a blessing in disguise, I'll take the zombie/tired/frustrated feelings of insomnia over the extreme anxiety and depression any day.

Also met with my therapist again today. Nothing earth shattering, having not gotten any sleep and feeling like a zombie, I wasn't able to "let out" the emotional stress that I had planned to do for this session. So, instead, I made a diagram of how my disorders interact to cause my various problems, and we talked about that for a while. Oh, curse my bloody memory, I almost forgot a good suggestion he had made... on the chart I listed all my sleep disorders (like grinding teeth, kicking leg syndrome, nightmares, insomnia, etc) and he noticed that, and then I mentioned that a little over a year ago I had a sleep study done on me at the hospital, thinking at the time I might have what they call sleep apnia (spelling?), which is a condition where you stop breathing for short periods of time while sleeping, and this can cause similar symptoms as those that I experience, like high anxiety and depression and such. Anyway... oh what the heck, I'll tell the whole story... for the study they had me spend the night in the hospital in a private bedroom. They attached electrical sensors or probes of some kinds to all parts of my body except for my face and my stomach and my feet. In order to keep these probes in place while I slept, the nurse assistant wrapped me up in so much medical tape that I looked exactly like a mummy, only my bare feet, stomach and face were exposed, the rest was layers of medical tape. Anyway, by the next morning, I had wrestled in my sleep so much that like all but one sensor had been yanked off of me, despite the tape.

The guys who monitor people in the bedrooms stay up all night and watch the read outs from the sensors. They're not doctors, so they can't diagnose, but he could tell me that I didn't stop breathing so I don't have sleep apnea, but he said I snored so loud he could hear me all the way down the hall with the door closed hehehehe, and obviously I kick a lot so there's some kind of sleep disorder going on. I already knew at that time that I grind my teeth when I sleep (I've lost two molars because of this), so I have to wear a teeth guard at night to keep from losing any more teeth. But anyway, the results were sent to the doctor, and the doctors office called me back to say that no, I don't have sleep apnia, but there were some interesting results and the doctor really wanted to talk to me about it. But I was never able to go back and talk with him about it, because I had just lost my job and all my medical benefits and couldn't afford another visit to a doctor.

So anyway, my therapist today gave me a release of information form, and his idea is that I can get the medical records from the doctor who evaluated my sleep test and have them forwarded to my current psychiatrist and maybe he can shed some light on things.

Now, if only I can remember that doctor's name so I can get those records....
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Sunday, July 13, 2003

Today will be better

Yes, I was quite pissed off yesterday. It was a very bad day. But today it will be better. I woke up crying today, but still, today will be better. It has to be. It's the 13th. 13 is supposed to be my lucky number. And it's my friend's birthday. Happy Birthday Friend!
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Saturday, July 12, 2003

You don't get it do you?

Even with the best of intentions, you don't understand, do you? But that's fine, because the only way you could understand would be to actually have what I have, and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I just wish you could all understand without having to actually feel it. But that's not possible.

Just quit telling me I have to get over it. Quit telling me I just have to say fuck it. Quit telling me I just have to count my blessings and keep up the work and it will all get better.

HELLO! HOUSTON CALLING THE REST OF YOU! Get a clue! I've done all those things, said all those things, meant all those things hundreds of times. IT DOESN'T WORK FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME!

When a person has both of their legs cut off, would you tell them, oh, just get over it, eventually they'll grow back? Fuck no you don't! You feel a little pity, but you'd never say something idiotic like oh, your legs will grow back! Sure, if we keep the analogy, prosthetics work in some cases for some people... and well, coping skills and medicines work in some cases for people with anxiety and depression disorders, but I'm one of the few that they don't work for! Sorry, but you're all going to have to accept that. I'll keep trying more medicines and more therapy, if nothing else than to keep you all satisfied that I've tried all the options... but in the meantime, quit giving me all this "Oh, it will get better in time" crap, and don't ever ever ever tell me again that I just need to get over it. Because I swear to God if I hear that again I will explode in a rage of fury.
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Friday, July 11, 2003

Bad dreams and anxiety

Today was another one of those days where I woke up in the middle of a bad dream, so I was already in a panic attack as I began to wake up, and it's just kind of left me angry and paranoid at the same time all day. I think I should just go back to bed and start all over.

It seems I'm still paranoid/anxious/angry about some things in my past that I know I've already dealt with and let go of, but sometimes out of the blue they come back, post-traumatic stress style, so I get all the emotions and everything again. I mean, it's like, you know when you break up with a girlfriend, it sucks, it hurts, and you grieve and get angry for a while, but as the days and weeks and months and even years go by, it bothers you less and less and you start to forget about it and eventually you usually even realize it was all probably for the best and you chalk it up as a learning experience, right?

Well, I've gone through this whole process, and no longer hold any bad feeling against anyone, I've accepted what's happened and I've learned from it and I've moved on... but even many, many years later, it can be like.. POW! I'm right there, in that moment again, feeling the same intense emotions... and, I, well, I tell myself, "uhhh... what the heck? That was years ago and happened on the other side of the country and why is this haunting me now? I've already forgiven and forgotten and all that..." But telling myself these things doesn't actually help with the emotions. I just have to ride through it, and wait for a day or two or three to get over it again.
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Thursday, July 10, 2003

Oh, no! Mom and Dad are coming home!

I've got pretty bad anxiety right now. I'm frightened. And I've figured out where a lot of this anxiety is coming from... this particular anxiety I experienced a lot as a child living at home... it was the extreme fear that mom and or dad would come home at any minute, and I would be caught doing something, or caught not doing something I should be doing. OK, as a kid, I didn't do my fair share of chores, so when mom or dad would come home, they would lay the guilt on me for that. Or if I wasn't doing anything, I got guilt for not being more productive. Or, even if I really went out of my way to impress my mom by cleaning the house sparkling clean, instead of saying "wow the place looks really good Dave" or even just "thank you" she would always find that one little spot I overlooked and gave me some guilt that I didn't clean that spot. It would just devastate me. So, in late afternoon, I would always start to get scared because I knew any minute mom or dad might be coming home, and they wouldn't be happy with me. Before the age of 22, I can only think of like 3 times where my parents actually complemented me on anything. Everything else was criticism or judgment of some sort.

So, now, I have this anxiety, that no matter what I do or don't do, no matter how good I do it, I always have this scared-to-death feeling that mom or dad are going to come in any minute and give me some kind of guilt.

But, I'm 29 now, this type of thing hasn't happened in at least six years, I've developed a great sense of self esteem, and I've dealt with most of my childhood issues, so why do I still get this fear?

Well, I have to put a little caveat in here (if caveat is the right word). If the theory holds true that the neurons in the hippocampus shrivel up after chronically long periods of sympathetic nervous system activation, and that was or is a problem for me, then that would mean that I have a hindered ability to consciously recall memories, especially "good" memories, and most of my memories that I do have would be more subconscious fear-based memories. This is due to the fact that the amygdala in the brain is still working fine, and it plays a huge roll in the Fight or Flight response, and it is able to, the theory goes, create subconscious memories. Whereas one of the major functions of the hippocampus is to place memories into consciously recallable long term memory. So, if this is all true, then it is possible that I did receive more complements and nurturing comments from my parents than I am able to remember, due to the breakdown of neurons in my hippocampus. For more on this theory, read the book
The EMOTIONAL BRAIN: THE MYSTERIOUS: The mysterious underpinnings of emotional life by Joseph LeDoux

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Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Not much to say

Today's been one of those days where I've been really spaced-out. I've had this constant nervous feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something important, but I could never figure out what it was. This feeling happens to me any time I find myself with time on my hands. So, as usual when this feeling comes about, I start giving myself things to do, but whatever it is I give myself to do, as I'm doing it I get this strong feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something else instead. It drives me nuts, and a lot of times I end up just pacing in circles, because it's like part of me is saying do one thing, and another part is saying no, you're wasting time if you do that, or that's counter-productive, you should do something else or help someone do this or that and I just get caught in this circle with no way out and I end up pacing. I don't know how much of it is the anxiety and how much of it is from my childhood when it seemed like nothing I ever did was not good enough and whenever I was caught with time on my hands I was made to feel guilty for not being productive... I'm getting better at controlling the pacing, but it's like those nagging flashback things I've talked about, I wish it would just go away and leave me in peace, I could get a lot more done if my brain wasn't always telling me to do something else and keeping me stuck in some loop and feeling guilty the whole time.
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Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Feeling a little better again

Well, I'm starting to feel a little more confident, and especially less depressed. It helped a little to vent on my blog here, and I had some nice email chats with some readers, but I got a big help by letting myself have some fun playing my old favorite computer games... you know, just sitting back and getting sucked into some game for a few hours... boy, it really helped! Not only was I having a little fun, but the game took my mind away from the black hole of depression for a while, distracted me from all those circular negative thoughts... so I'm taking that little bit of a boost and trying to build on it by getting a few more things done around the house than I have been recently, and to start using some of that positive, compassionate self dialog and my breathing exercises again. Good for me! Not a major triumph, but hey, we'll take it!

I had a good meeting with my therapist today... I've decided against maxing out my credit card and getting a bass guitar. Too much anxiety there, and I'm afraid that the little bit of cushion I have left on my credit card should be saved for emergencies, because there sure isn't any money left anywhere else since I've been sucking all this money away from my family. God bless them for not putting me through a guilt trip about it. Dad, Mom, the rest of you, thank you so much again for your sincere support, even when I've lost hope you haven't given up on me.

Anyway, what I'm going to try to do is to do some more creative things, like some more creative writing and things like that to help let out my emotions... Theoretically this will help keep me from the deepest part of the depression, perhaps just enough that I can gain the energy and desire to keep using my coping mechanisms and do some more work on my codependency.

So, it's been a good day so far, and yesterday wasn't so bad, so I'm going to try and keep it positive as long as I can! But, at the same time, I'm going to tell myself, that, hey, I'm human, I'm not perfect, and to quit having such unrealistic expectations of myself, I can't just "snap out of it" and be all bright and shiny, and also because I'm human there are going to be times where I fall into the void of self-pity.
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Monday, July 07, 2003

Today was a little better

Today wasn't so bad, I kept kind of busy between naps and stuff.

I came across a good article on the net that addresses the stigma of mental illness. This is of particular interest to me, since lately I've been thinking, how could I ever get a girlfriend if I let her know I have a mental illness? If I date someone, when do I let them know, and how do I do it? Will the stigma of mental illness keep me alone? You can read the article at:Breaking the Silence of Stigma
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Sunday, July 06, 2003

When I look out at the world... I see nothing

The feelings of "unreality" have been getting worse lately. For those of you unfamiliar with feelings of "unreality", it's very common in people who experience panic attacks... it's almost as if you're not quite awake all the way, it's as if the world feels a little blurry... it's so hard to describe, and I haven't really found anyone who's described it really well for other people to understand, but those of us who suffer know what we mean as soon as we mention it.

Everything else is getting worse too, each day. There's this thing I keep mentioning, and I keep changing the name of it because I'm not sure how to correctly name it so people will know what I'm talking about. I have this problem, it's a combination of negative inner dialog, which itself is a combination of thinking depressing thoughts, thinking I'm worthless, thinking that every little thing is going to end up in a catastrophe, that kind of stuff. Another part of this problem is almost like post-traumatic stress flashbacks, like the old shell-shock flashbacks soldiers would have years after battle, where somehow just about everything I hear or see brings back a bad memory. I used to call this problem my "voices", but that's not accurate, because I'm not schizophrenic and these aren't hallucinations. But this, coupled with my generalized anxiety and other phobias, keep getting worse, so I am so scared to do anything... I mean it's just pathetic. It's harder and harder for me to stay out of my room, harder to keep my eyes open, harder for me to participate in anything at all, because I can't fight it anymore.

The fourth of July sucked for me. I spent ninety percent of the party sitting alone in my room, because I was so scared. With all this stuff going on in my head, I was just freaking myself out thinking that all these people at the party are going to think I'm crazy and are going to want to keep their kids away from me or something. That, and my depression has been really bad, and I didn't want my depression to crash the party.

I spend as much time sleeping as I can now. I'm not on a normal sleeping schedule, partly because I don't have a job and partly because of the meds I'm on. But I sleep as much as I possibly can, it seems it's the only "place" I can go where I won't bother anyone or have to be bothered by anyone. I don't stay up for more than a few hours at a time usually. Because I'm always being hit by an emotional breakdown. Either it's a panic attack, or an almost uncontrollable fit of crying... I get at least two of these breakdowns a day, sometimes much more, and they just wear me down further and further each time.

When I started this site, I thought I would be a bastion of strength, talking about how, through my skill and willpower and all the things I have learned, that I am overcoming my anxiety and depression and panic attacks.... and yet, it seems instead that I'm making a chronicle of my fall deeper and deeper. My anxiety is getting more powerful, and so is my depression, and so is all the negative dialog and all the flashbacks... it's like all the willpower I had, all the strength I had at using all those wonderful coping skills is now but a leaf caught in the violent winds of this chaotic disease.

And, now I really know my depression is major, because when I look out into the world, and I look at the people, and I listen to the news, and I watch the movies, and I see the trees and the cars, and even when I look beyond that to look at all the wonderful possibilities that exist in this free world of ours... I think, I believe, that, even if I didn't have this disease, life would still suck, it's always going to suck, no one can ever really be trusted, there never will be any stability... it's like I look out at the world and all I can see is the decay, the filth.....

I'm sorry guys, I really am. I really thought I could keep posting just the good things, just the breakthroughs and progress I have made, but I think it's just as important to really tell it like it is and say what I'm going through.
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Friday, July 04, 2003

Go ahead, shock me until I forget.

OK, these negative intrusive memory flashbacks are really starting to piss me off.

I've officially changed my stance on ECT. Amnesia sounds like a wonderful thing right now.
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Make it stop.

Please.

Thursday, July 03, 2003

Nothing much to say and anticipatory anxiety

Well, today I had another group therapy session. I'm starting to become a less active participant in my group therapy sessions. It's like the other people are just getting louder and more out-going than I am, and I'm not assertive enough to get my fair share of time of venting. Part of me doesn't want to go to these sessions anymore because of this. I don't know, it's wierd, because like the day before I'm to have the group session, I'm bursting at the seams with things I want to talk about to the group and I just can't wait for it... Then when I get there, or the actual day comes, I end up feeling just kind of blah, and I almost never end up venting all that I want to vent, or I forget what I wanted to vent about, or it just doesn't seem as important.

You know what else sucks? Is that in therapy, whether it's individual or group, you're always limited in time. So, it's like, as soon as I just start to break the ice on a topic that is seriously important to me, time's up! And there are like a hundred different things I want to talk about, it's really hard to just pick one of those topics and try to actually get a fruitful discussion about it in 45 minutes or less.

Anyway, tomorrow's the 4th of July, so I've got a lot of anticipatory anxiety, because we're have a huge block party, we've got over twenty guests coming over to our house alone, not to mention the whole neighborhood, and I'm real nervous about that, I'm nervous about the fireworks we're going to be launching in the streets, and most of all I'm pissed already because I know that this is going to be just one more party that I desperately want to have fun at but I won't be able to because I'll be all twisted up with my anxiety. I mean, OK, I've got the skills to ward off the anticipatory thoughts, and I've got the will power to hang at the party without having to bail, but the truth is with my disorder, I won't be able to just "let go" and "chill out" and have fun.
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Wednesday, July 02, 2003

I'm jealous

Just a quick note to say that I'm jealous of all those people who suffer from anxiety but can get relief from like half a milligram of a benzodiazepam. Do you have any idea how lucky you are? I'm on 12 whole milligrams and it doesn't seem to do jack for me! That's 24 times as much dosage!
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Excitement, Panic, and Sadness

Today was another emotional roller-coaster ride. I started the day off listening to the radio station early in the morning, and they had a contest going on, whoever called in the correct answer to the question of when and why Pepsi changed their colors to red white and blue would win a CD. Well, it just so happened that a good friend of mine told me about this piece of trivia about a month ago, so I called in, and I won! How cool, last night I won tickets to see the movie premiere, and this morning I won a CD from the same radio station, and I got to be on the air. So, I started off excited.

Then I started panicking. The radio station had another contest going to win tickets to a concert that I really, really want to go to. My cousin already won a pair of tickets, and she and her husband are going, and I really wanted to go too, so I stayed up for a few more hours waiting for them to announce when I could call in to win tickets. I don't know why for sure but I was panicking about this. Probably because I'm scared if I win, I'll be trapped at the concert having panic attacks, or trapped on the long bus ride too and from the concert, it's an all day concert (if you're curious, it's the Ozzfest). Well, anyway, I didn't win, but I can try again tomorrow.

Then I started thinking about the idea of getting my bass guitar, and that immediately put me into a level 8-9 panic attack. Every time I thought about it, I would get a panic attack.

What the hell is wrong with me for crying out loud?

I mean, I just won some cool stuff, I've got the go-ahead to go buy myself a cool bass guitar and get back into the scene and find some friends and maybe get a life. And the thought of it totally scares the crap out of me!

Then, I'm not sure what happened, but I found myself laying in bed, curling all up in a ball, and crying. For like two hours.

I'm going crazy. Is that what this means?

Technically, no, that's not what it means. But it sure feels like it. I have an emotional disorder. My emotions overwhelm me, that's all. I've got to learn to accept that and live with it. But, sorry folks, I don't want to live with myself like this! I refuse to just resigning myself to accepting that I've got a disorder like this that's going to keep me in a mess like this for the rest of my life. Nope. My doctor had better find that right pill!

I'm too damned intelligent, honest, caring, good looking and talented to live the rest of my life trapped in the nether-world of emotional disorder. I'm sick of being trapped inside myself. I want out, damn it!
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Another online personality test

The first box describes what I would like to be, the second box describes more who I am. I find it to be prettty accurate.
Conscious self
Overall self
Take Free Enneagram Test

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I'm going to hell...

On a whim, I took this stupid test....
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Third Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)High
Level 7 (Violent)High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test
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Tuesday, July 01, 2003

Excitement turned into anxiety, then excitement again....

I saw two shooting stars last night, and I wished upon them....

Anyway, today was interesting. I was having dreams of being in Germany again, borderline lucid dreams... For the most part pretty nice, enjoyable dreams... I let my alarm clock keep going for about fifteen minutes as I kept enjoying the dreams, then I shut off the alarm and said OK I'll get up in a minute, then I was right back in the same dream... Boy, dreams, they can be so much fun sometimes, sometimes I just want to stay in the dreaming state, because when I achieve lucidity in my dreams, all the anxiety and depression go away, and I can just be me and enjoy it... Then I jerked awake, looked at the clock, and oh, crap, I was about to be late for my meeting with my therapist.

I was originally planning to discuss at more length my trust issues this session. But, I was in a kind of strange, somewhat elated mood from the nice dreams, and as I sat for a few moments in the lobby of the clinic, I decided we needed to talk about something that's a more immediate problem for me.

That problem is that I don't have any friends. Well, technically that's not true. What friends I do have I can only meet in cyberspace. Here, where I live, since this is still a new area to me, and I don't know anyone but the family members I have here and my doctors, I have no one to hang out with. My therapy sessions are really my only social outlet, with the occasional infrequent times when my cousin's friends will come over to hang out.

This is a major problem, because it leaves me with too much time alone. Time alone to think myself to death, at the mercy of the intrusive negative thoughts that lead to circular reasoning and self-fulfilling prophecies. In other words, MAJOR DEPRESSION. Over the last two months, my depression has been worse than my anxiety, I haven't had a level 10 panic attack in at least a month, but I still have a level nine at least once a week, and I usually hit level 8 once or twice a day... But the panic attacks I would describe more like depression attacks. Except there's no such thing, at least not defined in the psychology books. My panic attacks now still exhibit some of the typical symptoms, trembling, hiding, trouble speaking, things like that, but what is going on in my head is a little different... Instead of intense feelings of fear, it's intense feelings of remorse, regret, sadness, hopelessness, that kind of thing.

So we talked about ways I can get some friends and social contact. I've talked about this with my family before, but we weren't able to come up with anything that worked. I tried getting back into the sport of fencing, but there aren't any fencing clubs around here. We thought maybe I could take one of those adult education classes that are offered at nights through the local community college, but there aren't any classes that even vaguely interest me being offered. Money is a big issue, of course, since I have no income and my family is scraping by to pay my bills as it is, so that limits a lot of what I can do. I thought, maybe I could go to the library and just hang out and hope to meet someone there. (gosh that sounds really lame and desperate!). We thought of churches... But churches and I don't get along, they make me sick, sometimes literally. And I don't want any more people preaching to me that oh, you just need to believe in Jesus and he will take all your problems away... Ok, don't get me started on that topic!

But, in my therapy session, out of the blue came the though of getting back into playing bass guitar and joining a band. I stopped playing about eight or so years ago. I was pretty darn good, or at least that's what everyone has always told me. Ever since I sold my bass all those years ago to help pay for college, my friends have made it clear to me over and over again that they were pissed at me for giving up on playing my bass, they thought my skill on the bass was the greatest thing since sliced bread or something, at least that's the impression you get when you hear them talking about "the good old days".

So, OK, here's what sounded like a great idea! Playing bass would give me something to do each day by practicing, and as I got better it would improve my self esteem, it would allow me to express myself creatively, and could get me some friends and social contact if I can find a band to join, which shouldn't be too hard, I think anyways.

So, I got excited about that and my therapist did too, he thought it was a great idea. But, there's the money issue... I'd have to put a big chunk of change on my credit card to get me a bass and an amplifier... And my dad has to pay my credit card bills, which means more financial stress on him... But my therapist shot my dad an email telling him that he should try and see if he can help me get a bass.

So, I left the clinic and headed over to the guitar store, and spent a good hour playing on some different bass guitars and a couple amps, just window shopping, and found some that fit my personality, sounded good, and were what I considered to be reasonably priced.

So, I was excited! That's excellent, since I've been mostly in depression all the time.

Well, as I got home, that excitement turned into anxiety, and slowly progressed into a borderline panic attack. For a few reasons... The "What if?s" What if I don't find a band I can gel with? What if I don't find any bands at all? Then, I'd end up with a bass guitar sitting in the corner, making me feel guilty that I talked my family into spending money on me only to have failed. Then there was that "something" I've eluded to in some of my posts.... It's a part of me that doesn't want to get better, that doesn't want me to take care of myself... .That something presented itself as a gut feeling that taking up the bass again is a direction in life that I don't want to take. But, a few minutes later, I realized that my gut feelings, in hindsight, are almost always backwards, and if I want to do what's in my best interest I should usually do the opposite of my gut feeling.

One of the main reasons I gave up playing bass a long time ago, was that I was never able to get the beautiful melodies in my head through my fingers and out through my bass, and that always pissed me off. I could never write any songs, because I could never translate what I was feeling and hearing in my head through the bass. When I practiced alone, all I could do were finger exercises, I could never express myself. The only time I could express myself was when I was jamming with a band, and the band came up with a riff or melody, then I could come up with all kinds of expressive bass lines to throw behind it. But I could never do it alone. And all those years ago, after my band broke up, there were no bands left in my area that played the kind of music I wanted to play (heavy metal), so I decided, hey, I had my moments in the limelight, my band had a local following and cut an album ( I think we may have sold a hundred copies, but that might be an overstatement) and we played a few gigs, so I thought, well, heavy metal is gone, and it's time for me to move onto something else in my life.

Well, anyway, by that time my cousin came home, I was on the verge of a panic attack, and she said that her husband won tickets for the two of them to see the premier showing of Terminator 3, somehow the local theater and radio station got to show the movie two hours ahead of any other premier in the country, or so they said anyway. I was excited for them, but I was jealous too. Because I really wanted to see that movie, and I didn't want to stay home with my depression and panic attacks, I wanted to go out with them, but they only had two tickets, and since it's a special premier, it wasn't likely that I would be able to get in.

A little bit later my cousin told me to get ready, they were still giving away tickets, so we jumped in our cars and headed to the theater, where the radio station had set up a little tent to broadcast from. My cousin picked up their pair of tickets, and we waited to see how we could win another ticket for me.

It turns out an hour later they were going to have a little competition for the cheesiest impersonation of Arnold. Well, there wasn't exactly a huge crowd, and I was the only one there for the contest. So we made jokes with the DJ that I'd have to compete with my split-personality. But, eventually, one other person showed up to join the competition, so I had a fifty-fifty chance, maybe. But I absolutely suck at impersonations in a big way. The other guy went first, and he did an OK job. But, I really wanted the tickets, so I pulled out a wild card of sorts. I know German, Arnold is from Austria so his native language is German, so I did my impersonation of Arnold in German.

The DJ had the crowd decide which of us won the contest by applauding, and only one person applauded for the other guy (his wife), and everyone else applauded me! Wow, that was cool, I got on the air, speaking German, and I didn't choke! And I won! Anxiety be damned, I did it! So they handed me two tickets to see the movie. Well, I only needed one, so I handed the other ticket to the guy who lost the competition, but I don't think he saw the movie, I never saw him in the theater, he probably got unlucky and was unable to get a ticket for his wife and had to call it a loss. That's a bummer for him, but I thought it was nice of me to give him the ticket any way. And the movie was good, better than I expected.

Well, I know this post is getting long, so I'll cut it off here and leave the rest for other posts.
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